


Fake Psychics and Psychic Paper

by Sarah1281



Category: Doctor Who, Psych
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crossover, Humor, Season/Series 03, old fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-03
Updated: 2015-09-03
Packaged: 2018-04-18 18:53:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 66,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4716770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarah1281/pseuds/Sarah1281
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Instead of hiding in London, the Plasmavore takes refuge in a Santa Barbara hospital. Now instead of a doctor with a crush, the Doctor's got a psychic detective and his partner at his side as he attempts a life without Rose but with plenty of pineapples.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Smith and Spencer and Burton

"This was a bad idea," Gus declared as they made their way towards the hospital.

"What are you talking about?" Shawn asked. "We haven't even gotten there yet!"

"And I can already tell that this was a bad idea," Gus insisted. "Maybe I'm psychic now."

"Don't be silly, Gus. If you were psychic then you'd know that this is a great idea. In fact, take it from me that it is," Shawn told him.

Gus rolled his eyes. "I know you're not psychic, Shawn."

"Lies and slander," Shawn said airily.

Before Gus could reply, a tall dark-haired man in a suit stepped in front of them and removed his tie. "Like so, see?" he said in a British accent.

"Not really," Shawn replied. "But may I say that you have some fantastic hair?"

The man grinned. "Why, thank you. I'm suddenly feeling a lot better about this." With that, he walked off into the crowd.

"What just happened?" Gus demanded.

Shawn shrugged. "Don't look at me. I was distracted by the hair."

"This is still a bad idea, Shawn," Gus said again, putting the strange man out of his mind.

"Why would you say that?" Shawn asked, a faux-hurt expression on his face. "And 'because it is' is not an answer."

"It absolutely is an answer," Gus disagreed. "But I don't need to use it. If you go in there with me then you're going to just waste time chatting up all the attractive women, cause a scene, and maybe even discover a murder."

Shawn stopped walking. "You say that like it's a bad thing."

"It is when I'm on my lunch break," Gus confirmed.

"You said you needed to be distracted from giving blood and I promise you that I will not fail you in my best friend duties now!" Shawn announced.

Gus groaned and sped up as it started to rain. "Oh, this is so a bad idea."

"No, walking into a building that's being rained on while the rest of the area is sunny is a bad idea," Shawn countered.

Gus shrugged. "Yeah, that probably would be a-Shawn. Are you trying to tell me that-"

"I'm not trying to tell you anything," Shawn interrupted.

"Are you sure?" Gus asked skeptically. "Because I could have sworn that-"

Once again, Shawn cut him off. "Yes, yes, I'm positive. Now come on, what time did you say your appointment was?"

\----

"This is a bad idea," Gus announced.

"Gus, what is with you today? It's like you have some sort of cloud of negativity hanging over you and I'm starting to worry that it'll rain and mess up my hair," Shawn complained.

"Hospital food is never a good idea," Gus insisted. "Everybody knows that."

"Then once again everybody is wrong. I come here all the time. The food's great and I can usually talk them into not making me pay," Shawn said approvingly. "Besides, this is your lunch break so it would be absurd to go back to work without eating. And look! They have pineapples!"

Gus was about to answer when he happened to glance out the window and froze. "Uh, Shawn? You remember that rain from earlier? The rain that you swore wasn't at all strange?"

"Vaguely. Please tell me it stopped, I don't have an umbrella and I am not leaving this building if it means getting wet," Shawn informed him.

"The rain seems to be falling…up," Gus said slowly.

"Really? Huh." Shawn glanced over at the windows himself. "So it is. Well, either we're both hallucinating, the hospital managed to turn upside down and have some sort of artificial gravity, or aliens are involved."

"It's only 'either' if it's only two things, Shawn," Gus corrected.

"So…aliens?" Shawn asked.

Gus nodded. "It's the only explanation."

Shawn was just stealthily reaching for Gus' desert when he, the desert, and everything else in the room were flung every which way. Shawn was only just able to grab Gus' cake and his own pineapple before he crashed into a wall. His first instinct was to rub his head but he didn't dare let go of what he was holding. Everything continued to shake for a few more seconds before, as suddenly as it had begun, it all stopped.

Shawn quickly stood up and glanced out the window. "We appear to be on the moon."

"For the record," Gus said solemnly, "this is all your fault."

"Hey, it was your doctor's appointment," Shawn reminded him.

"And you're the one who didn't want to leave back when the hospital was nice and safe back on Earth," Gus pointed out.

As was often the case, no one else in the area was taking the situation nearly as calmly as the two detectives. The minute they heard that they were no longer on Earth, they began to cry out and head for the exit.

"Like that will do any good," Shawn said, shaking his head. "We're on the moon. We can't exactly walk back to Earth. There is a silver lining, though."

"There is?" Gus asked skeptically. "How do you figure?"

"It's impossible for us to call the police," Shawn said cheerfully.

"Funny. I thought you said 'silver lining' not 'lining of further crushing despair'," Gus noted. "Shawn, if we can't get to anything from Earth then it goes both ways. We're going to run out of air if we're up here for too long."

"We should have already run out of air," Shawn told him. "I mean, no one bothered to close that window over there even with all the rain."

"Very good point," a voice from behind them said.

Shawn and Gus turned around to see the man from earlier standing there.

"Hello again," Shawn greeted. "What was that about earlier?"

The man looked confused. "What was what about earlier?"

"You stopped us on the street, said 'like so, see?', took off your tie, Shawn complimented you on your hair, and you walked off," Gus explained.

The man thought for a moment before shaking his head. "No, sorry, I don't remember that at all. Must not have happened yet."

"It happened this morning," Gus disagreed.

"Since aliens are probably involved," Shawn began, "for all we know it did happen and they just erased his memory of that."

"And why would they do that?" Gus demanded.

Shawn shrugged. "How should I know? I'm not an alien."

"You suspect aliens are involved?" the man asked. "Why?"

Shawn and Gus gave him identical looks of disbelief.

"Because we're on the moon," Gus replied.

The man chuckled. "I suppose that is a bit of a giveaway. Some of the other people I talked to seem to think it was the government or that they're dreaming. What did you say your names were?"

"I'm Shawn Spencer and this is my partner Steve Bancroft," Shawn introduced.

"I'm the Doctor," the Doctor introduced.

"Doctor what?" Gus asked.

The Doctor just smiled. "Just the Doctor. So the question is, how are we still breathing?"

"Force-field?" Gus guessed.

"Maybe. Is there a balcony on this floor?" the Doctor asked.

"There's a patient's lounge not far from here," Shawn revealed. "Follow me."

He quickly led the way to the doors leading to the balcony.

"Nuh-uh. No way am I stepping foot outside of this hospital," Gus said stubbornly, crossing his arms.

"Gus, don't be the last pez in a pez dispenser," Shawn said reprovingly.

"It should be perfectly safe if your force-field theory is correct," the Doctor added. "Besides, if all the air were going to leak out once we opened the door or the temperature were to plummet then it doesn't matter if you came with us or not."

"If I die, we are officially no longer speaking," Gus warned.

Shawn pushed open the doors. "If we die, I don't think either of us will be speaking to anyone ever again."

"Unless we became zombies," Gus pointed out.

"Why would being on the moon cause us to become zombies?" Shawn asked reasonably. "Now you're just being silly."

"I think it's safe to say that we're not dead," the Doctor told them as he stepped outside.

Shawn and Gus followed him outside and Shawn promptly took out his camera-phone.

"Shawn, what are you doing?" Gus asked.

"Taking the most awesome amateur photo ever," Shawn replied. "Wait until Lassie hears that I went to the moon and he didn't."

"You two seem to be taking this very calmly," the Doctor noted.

"I'm a psychic," Shawn said dramatically. "It's all part of the job description."

"And I've known him for as long as I can remember," Gus said, jerking his thumb towards Shawn.

The Doctor nodded sympathetically. "That would explain it."

"Do you think we could collect some moon rocks?" Shawn asked suddenly. "They'd probably be worth a fortune."

"I don't think that's a good idea," the Doctor told him. "We don't know how far this force-field extends."

"Is there any way we could find out?" Gus asked.

"There's one way," the Doctor confirmed. He bent down, picked up a penny from the ground, and hurled it away from him. The penny soon hit force-field which glowed blue for a moment before bouncing back.

"See? That's at least five feet from the hospital doors," Shawn said triumphantly.

The proof of the force-field reminded Gus of his earlier concern. "How long do we have before we run out of air?"

"That would depend on how many people are in the hospital," the Doctor said. "It must be at least a thousand."

There was a loud noise and the group looked up to see some sort of space-craft passing above them and landing not far from the hospital.

"I think we've found our hospital-stealer," the Doctor said grimly. "Judoon."

"Judoon?" Gus repeated. "What the hell is a Judoon?"

"And he used a curse word so you can be sure that he really wants to know," Shawn added helpfully.

"They're like police," the Doctor explained as they went back inside to get a closer look at what the Judoon – who had entered the hospital – were doing. "Well…like police for hire. They're lawful but stupid. According to intergalactic law, they've got no jurisdiction over the Earth so they got…creative."

"So the rain earlier, that was them?" Gus asked. "That's how we got up here?"

The Doctor nodded. "H20 scoop."

"Is it just me or do they look like space rhinos?" Shawn asked, holding up his camera-phone again. "And is that totally awesome or what?"

"What are they doing here? Why did they bring us here?" Gus demanded.

"They're scanning everyone," Shawn pointed out. "And given that we now have living breathing proof of aliens – suck it everyone who has ever made fun of us for believing in UFOs – I'd guess that they're checking to see if we're human."

"What makes you say that?" Gus asked.

"What human could possibly not only break intergalactic law but make these space rhinos aware of it?" Shawn asked rhetorically.

"Good thinking," the Doctor told them. "The person they're trailing must either be a shape-changer or have a humanoid appearance…which is very bad news for me."

The Doctor had really run the gamut on reactions to the news that he was not, in fact, human but he had to admit that this reaction was a novel one. He didn't really see many new aspects of human behavior these days.

"Called it!" Shawn cheered. "Pay up!"

Grumbling, Gus reached into his pocket and pulled out a twenty-dollar bill. "I still can't believe you were right about that."

"Between the fact that I'm psychic and the allusion to time-travel earlier, I can't believe you weren't right about it," Shawn retorted.

"When did you two even find time to make that bet?" the Doctor wondered.

"We prioritize," Gus said simply.

"So…that doesn't bother you?" the Doctor asked hesitantly.

"You seem to be on our side against the space rhinos and we've always believed in the existence of aliens so…why would it?" Shawn asked, puzzled.

"Why indeed…" the Doctor murmured. "Come on," he said before taking off.

"They've reached the third floor," Gus reported as he ducked back into the room where the Doctor was examining the computer. "What is that thing?"

"I don't know but I want one," Shawn declared.

"Sonic screwdriver," the Doctor said tersely.

"Now that I know I want one twice as badly," Shawn told them.

"A sonic screwdriver? As in, a screwdriver that's sonic?" Gus asked.

The Doctor nodded. "Of course. What else would it be?"

"How in the world is that enabling you to search through a computer?" Gus demanded.

"I'd say 'magic' but the Time Lords hated magic and banished it from the universe," the Doctor replied. "So I'm going to have to go with 'science.'"

"Time Lords?" Shawn asked. "Is that what your people are called? Because if so then I've got to say that that is badass."

"A little pompous," Gus added. "But still badass."

The Doctor's shoulders tensed slightly. "Yes." He slapped the top of the computer suddenly. "What is it with this computer? The Judoon must have locked it down."

"Or maybe a sonic screwdriver isn't as useful for hacking as one might think," Gus opined.

"Why does this always end up happening to me?" the Doctor wondered aloud. "I was just passing by, I swear I was. I wasn't looking for trouble or anything. I'm not even usually in America, I was just taking a road trip after…and then I noticed the plasma coils so I checked myself in because I thought something was going on inside the hospital and now I'm on the moon."

"Story of my life," Shawn said sympathetically. "Though I usually don't end up on other planets."

"Mine, too," Gus added. "Though only when I'm with Shawn."

"And maybe I do look for trouble sometimes," Shawn admitted. "But only if it's really boring."

"Or I have something important to do for work," Gus said crossly.

"It's not like I plan my adventures around your work schedule!" Shawn exclaimed. "That would be ridiculous."

"And thus completely out of character for you," Gus said sarcastically. "Here's a thought: why can't you just leave the Judoon to find their fugitive? Sure, you'll need to hide in the meantime and the fugitive will probably do so as well but you've got a decent shot, at least."

"Why would he be in danger?" Shawn inquired. "Are they just planning on killing everything that doesn't register as human without checking to make sure it's who they're looking for?"

"Pretty much, yeah," the Doctor agreed. "I mentioned that they were stupid, right? And to answer your question, Gus, if the search takes too long then the Judoon might just declare the hospital guilty of harboring a fugitive and sentence it to execution."

"Aside from the appalling lack of oversight that that implies, why would they kill everyone in the building when, if the fugitive had any sense, he wouldn't tell anyone who he was so there'd be less chance of anyone cracking and letting the Judoon know?" Gus asked. "Oh right, they're stupid."

"You know, the more I hear about the Judoon the more I appreciate the good old cops of Santa Barbara," Shawn told them. "But my father must never know that I said that."

"Damn!" the Doctor swore.

Gus groaned. "Oh, now what?"

"The Judoon wiped the record from the computer!" the Doctor cried out. "There was no need for them to do that!"

"I'm starting to wonder why people not only hire these Judoon but why they're allowed to wander the galaxy unassisted," Shawn remarked.

"They look scary and they have a reputation for being both ruthless and incorruptible," the Doctor responded. "If they're involved in a chase, they'll still stop and obey the planet's traffic laws."

"What were you looking for?" Gus asked.

"Oh, I don't know. Any patient admitted in the past week with unusual symptoms," the Doctor replied.

Gus looked Shawn's way. "Well?"

"It's not that easy. What 'unusual symptoms' are we talking about?" Shawn asked. "I only saw a few charts."

"We should go find the head doctor," Gus suggested. "I'm sure he'd know or have some kind of written record."

"Good idea," the Doctor said, standing up. "Now do either of you have any idea where we could find him?"

The trio dodged the Judoon and the crowd of panicked people as they made their way to the head doctor's office.

They found two sentries in all black standing guard and an old lady with a straw standing over the body of the head doctor.

"I knew it. A Plasmavore," the Doctor identified.

"If we didn't know this was an alien, I'd so think this was a vampire," Shawn announced.

"I think it's a vampire anyway," Gus told him.

"Are there such things as alien vampires?" Shawn wanted to know.

"I don't see why they'd be any less likely than human vampires. In fact, they might even be more likely," Gus theorized.

"Do vampires use a straw, though? And a bendy one at that? I mean, really? We're supposed to take this seriously?" Shawn said derisively.

"I'm sure you'll have plenty of time to work that out after we run," the Doctor told them. "Speaking of…"

\----

"So, you say you do this sort of thing a lot," Shawn remarked as they watched one of the Plasmavore's minions walk past them. "Do you really do it all by yourself? That sounds like a drag."

"Humans," the Doctor said, bemused. "We're stuck on the moon, running out of air, and trapped between Judoon and a blood-sucking criminal and you're asking personal questions."

"I'm feeling discriminated against," Gus announced.

"Was there a point?" Shawn asked. "I can't imagine being in a situation like this without Gus."

"Lucky me," Gus muttered.

"But then, I have been told that we're codependent…" Shawn trailed off.

Suddenly a Judoon was right in front of them. He scanned the Doctor. "Non-human."

"Run!" the Doctor ordered, taking off.

\----

Behind them, they could hear some sort of laser-weapon being fired.

"This is the worst police work I've ever seen!" Shawn complained as he ran down the hall. "My father would have a heart attack!"

"The Judoon won't go back to check a floor they've checked already. I hope," the Doctor said once they had dashed down the stairs.

"That won't do us any good if they check every floor then 'execute' the hospital," Gus pointed out. "And is it just me or are we starting to run out of air?"

"We don't have much time," the Doctor agreed. "But at least we know who we're looking for. That's something, right? And I think I know where she's going."

"Non-human! Execute!" one of the Judoon said as he marched towards them.

"Look, I need time. You'll need to hold them up," the Doctor told them seriously.

"No problem, I'm good at that," Shawn assured him.

"I'm not!" Gus protested.

"Let me apologize in advance for this and also assure you that this is done solely in the name of helping you buy me time," the Doctor said seriously.

Before Gus could ask what he meant, the Doctor's lips were on his. A moment later, the Doctor was gone.

"W-what? Did he really just kiss me?" Gus sputtered. "How is that supposed to buy him time?"

"If they're scanning for non-humans then maybe that kiss will confuse the sensors," Shawn guessed.

"That would be great except for the fact that they want to kill whatever isn't human in this hospital!" Gus exclaimed. "If they did kill the Doctor, would they even bother looking for the real fugitive?"

"Let's hope we don't have to find out. Now come on," Shawn said, stepping forward to meet the Judoon.

"This is so all your fault," Gus grumbled as he followed suit.

The Judoon scanned Shawn. "Human." He turned Gus' way. "Human. Wait. Non-human element suspected. Non-human element confirmed."

"Well which is it?" Shawn demanded. "Is he human or isn't he? If he just came into contact with a non-human then I doubt he's hiding them on his person. Unless your alien is really, really small in which case I'm having difficulty believing that they could have pulled off any heinous crime."

"We must do a further scan," the Judoon announced, pulling out a new scanner.

"Oh, now you're doing a more in-depth search but before just being non-human was a killable offense," Shawn muttered.

"You're really not helping," Gus hissed. He stood as still as he was capable of (which wasn't very given that he was trembling).

At long last, the Judoon in front declared, "Human with traces of facial contact with non-human." He marked Gus' hand as having been scanned and handed him a paper. "You will need this."

"What is it?" Gus asked blankly.

"Compensation."

"For being searched? Sweet!" Shawn declared. "I wonder if that's valid on Earth…"

"Probably not," Gus replied. "And it won't be valid anywhere if we're all executed or run out of air."

"So…now what?" Shawn asked.

"You wanna follow the Judoon?" Gus asked. "Should be safe enough since we've been scanned and the Doctor isn't here."

They followed the Judoon into the MRI room just in time to hear the real fugitive exclaim in a high-pitched voice. "Now look what you've done! This poor man has just up and died of fright!"

"Scan him," the Judoon leader ordered. A moment later. "Confirmation, deceased. Stop. Case closed."

Shawn's eye twitched. "Are you absolutely sure that he was the fugitive you were looking for? Surely you had some other way of identifying her besides the fact that she wasn't human?"

"Do you have anything helpful to add?" the Judoon demanded, turning to Shawn.

Shawn nodded. "Surprisingly…yeah. Scan her again and you'll see that she's not human, either."

One of the Judoon did this. "Non-human."

"Confirm analysis," the leader ordered.

"This is absurd! I'm as human as they come," the fugitive protested.

"Confirmed. Plasmavore. Charged with murdering the child-princess of Padrivole Regency Nine," the Judoon leader stated.

"Wait…so they could me more specific this whole time? Then why try to kill the Doctor before seeing if he was the Plasmavore?" Gus demanded.

"Because they're kind of stupid," Shawn whispered.

"Well she deserved it!" the fugitive said viciously. "Those pink cheeks and those blonde curls and that simpering voice! She was begging for the bite of a Plasmavore."

"So…crazy then," Shawn noted.

"I love it when murderers blame their victims for 'deserving it' or 'making them do it'," Gus deadpanned.

Meanwhile, the fugitive had run into the next room behind the glass. "Enjoy your victory, Judoon, because you're going to burn with me. Burn in He-"

Unfortunately, she couldn't finish that sentence as she was promptly incinerated.

"Is it just me or is a magnetic overload something that's really reallybad?" Shawn asked rhetorically.

"Well, our job is done. Goodbye," the leader of the Judoon said before he and his men all but ran from the room.

"Well, that's helpful," Shawn muttered. "Gus, do you have any idea how to stop something like this?"

"No," Gus said grimly. "The Doctor might, though."

"I thought they said he was dead," Shawn said, frowning.

"Maybe we can bring him back. It's our best chance," Gus said as he got to his knees and began performing CPR on the Doctor.

"Hurry," Shawn urged. "I think it's going to explode and we're running out of air regardless."

Gus started pumping the Doctor's chest. At first it looked like nothing was happening but since this really was not only their best shot at survival but their only shot, he kept trying. Eventually, his efforts paid off as the Doctor started to cough. Gus passed out right before the Doctor revived, however.

"Scanner," Shawn gasped out, barely conscious himself. "She…did something…"

The last thing he saw was the Doctor climbing to his feet, a look of determination on his face.

\----

"Shawn!" Henry cried out the moment Shawn exited the building.

"Hey, Dad," Shawn said casually. "How was your day?"

"Oh, don't even give me that," Henry said gruffly before pulling his son into a hug.

"I'm probably going to regret this," Lassiter said once Henry had pulled back. "But Spencer, I'm going to need a complete account of what happened here today."

Shawn grinned. "How long do you have? Because let me tell you, not only do I have the epic story of space rhinos and alien vampires ever but I've got the pictures to prove it."

"It's true," Gus confirmed. "It was all the Judoon's fault this happened, you see."

"Judoon?" Shawn asked blankly. "Please, you know it was the space rhinos…"

\----

"I can't believe you managed to talk the Chief into paying us for saving the hospital," Gus marveled later that night as they were walking along the street. "I mean, the police weren't even remotely affiliated with it – well, the human police, at least – and the Judoon got away scot free.

Shawn grinned. "And just wait until you hear what I'm getting for those pictures I took."

"And yet, despite getting a huge sum of money once again, I'll bet you anything that by this time next month you'll be broke again," Gus predicted.

Shawn made a face. "Don't tell me I'm getting predictable."

"If you don't think you can handle it then I won't," Gus said magnanimously.

They heard a cleared throat off to the side. "Am I interrupting anything?"

"Doctor! Hey. We didn't see you after we, well, landed," Gus greeted. "Good to see you're alright."

The Doctor shrugged. "Dealing with the press and the police aren't really my thing."

"Especially not after those space rhinos," Shawn commiserated. "So what are you doing here anyway? And since when did this street have a British police box from the 60s?"

"I just thought that, since you saved my life, you might fancy a trip," the Doctor offered.

"I'm in," Shawn said instantly. "Gus?"

"Into space?" Gus asked. "Well…maybe when I can get some vacation time. I can't go right now, of course, because I have work in the morning."

Shawn rolled his eyes. "Pharmaceutical companies ruin everything."

"Can you come back in a couple of weeks?" Gus asked.

"If it helps, I can travel in time as well," the Doctor informed them. If he was expecting disbelief, he didn't get it.

"That would explain what happened this morning," Gus realized. "Alright, if you go back to this morning, take off your tie and say 'like so, see' then we'll believe you."

"And we would LOVE to come," Shawn enthused.

"Would it be in that little thing?" Gus asked worriedly. "It looks a little…cramped."

"It's called the TARDIS. Bigger on the inside," the Doctor said casually. "Now if you'll just wait here…"

He got into the box, the box disappeared with a whirring sound, and then reappeared just a second later.

"Told you," the Doctor said smugly, his tie in his hand. "And may I just say, Shawn, that I like your hair as well."

"I think I'm in love," Shawn replied. "Don't tell Jules."

"So would it just be us or do you have a crew or something?" Gus asked.

"Just us. For now. I sometimes have other people travelling alongside me. One just recently in fact. Rose, her name was. Rose," the Doctor said awkwardly.

"Must be an ex," Shawn whispered.

"Not that you're replacing her!" the Doctor said seriously.

"Hey, you kissed me," Gus pointed out. "I'm still annoyed about that, by the way. Next time it's absolutely essential to kiss one of us to save the day, kiss Shawn."

"Now now, there's no need to make the man uncomfortable," Shawn retorted. "If he'd rather kiss you to save the day then he'd rather kiss you."

"I mean it, you two. Just one trip and then it's back home," the Doctor said sternly.

Gus and Shawn exchanged looks that clearly said 'yeah, right.'

"Anything you say," Shawn said, opening the door to the TARDIS. "Say, you got pineapples in here?"


	2. The Shakespeare Code Part One

"Somehow I pictured this going…smoother," Shawn remarked as the TARDIS rattled around.

"Yeah, I don't mean to complain but what kind of transportation is designed to be this haphazard?" Gus asked. "Surely if they can manage to make it so much bigger on the inside than the outside and disguise it as a 60's police box – which doesn't seem like it'd come in handy much outside the 60s – then they can make it more stable."

"What does any of that have to do with ride stability?" Shawn wondered.

Gus rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean, Shawn. Sufficiently advanced technology in one area would lead you to expect it in another."

"You're right," the Doctor told him. "It can be flown more smoothly."

"Then…why aren't we?" Shawn asked the obvious question. "More fun this way?"

"Well, there's that," the Doctor agreed. "And then there's the fact that it's supposed to be flown with six people and not just one."

"So…do you want us to help fly it or something?" Gus inquired. "I mean, surely three people flying it would make it more stable than one?"

"It would," the Doctor agreed. "But then I'd have to go teaching you how all the buttons work and I'm not positive about that myself. Trust me, it's just easier this way. Come to think of, the fact that I failed the test to operate this might have something to do with the rattling around…"

Gus turned to stare at the Doctor in horror. "Please do not tell me that I just went off with another Shawn!"

"Hey!" Shawn protested. "You like me, remember?"

"But the thought of having two of you has been a recurrent nightmare of mine since roughly five minutes after we met," Gus explained.

"Why?" Shawn demanded. "I think it would be awesome. Of course, the thought of having two of you freaks me out a little. The way I see it, there's an equally good chance of the two of you teaming up and outvoting me so we never did anything as there is one of you coming with me and being awesome while the other went to your other job."

"I think the thought of having two of anybody is a disaster waiting to happen," the Doctor spoke up as the ship came in for a landing (or so they assumed the sudden stop meant). "It wouldn't have been so bad before the…well, before but now…let's just say I've seen two of somebody nearly destroy all of existence. Would have destroyed all of existence if not for one very brave man."

"So what would you do if there were two of you?" Shawn asked him.

"Hm…probably find a way to send him to a parallel universe," the Doctor decided. "It would be tricky to pull off but even if it weren't for the universe-destroying potential, I just don't think that this universe is ready for two of me. Many places aren't even ready for one of me, after all."

"Assuming that your other self doesn't have the same idea and sends you to a parallel universe," Gus pointed out.

The Doctor tapped his chin. "I hadn't actually thought of that…I guess I'll have to make sure to strike first. Assuming it's not a past or future version of myself because that would be bad…But anyway, here we are!"

Shawn and Gus exchanged a look.

"Where are we?" Gus asked.

"Inside of the TARDIS, the same place we've been for the last twenty minutes," Shawn reminded him. "Don't you ever listen?"

Gus ignored the mock-rebuke. "I mean, where are we outside of the TARDIS? Surely not still Santa Barbara in 2007?"

"No, that much I can promise you," the Doctor replied. "It is not Santa Barbara nor the year 2007. Other than that…well, that would be telling, now would it? And remember: this is just one trip. We're going to have a little adventure here and then you're both going right back home. Understand?"

Shawn and Gus turned around to confer.

"Dude, there is no way we're going home after just one trip," Shawn declared.

"Unless we don't like it," Gus told him. "If we don't like it then we're most certainly going home."

Shawn nodded. "Granted but if the Doctor really didn't think we'd like it then why would he make such a big deal about it being only one trip before we even start?"

"He clearly likes it or he wouldn't keep doing it," Gus reasoned. "And so he probably assumes that other people would like it, too, but that doesn't mean that we necessarily will."

"We probably will," Shawn told him.

Gus snorted. "You mean you probably will."

"Gus…time travel! Name one time that's ever been bad," Shawn challenged.

"Back to the Future, Terminator, the Butterfly Effect, the Time Traveler's Wife…" Gus listed off.

"Now you're just making things up," Shawn accused. "Admit it. You're excited to be here."

"I couldn't possibly bring myself to leave you unsupervised with access to a time machine," Gus claimed.

Shawn laughed. "Just keep telling yourself that, buddy."

"So…how are we going to get around this 'one trip' thing?" Gus asked.

Shawn shrugged. "Make use of any and all opportunities to stall?"

They turned back around.

"Are you ready?" the Doctor asked, an eager grin on his face.

"We were born ready," Shawn confirmed.

The Doctor opened the door and gestured dramatically towards it. "Outside this door, a brave new world. After you."

Gus and Shawn stepped out of the TARDIS to see what could only be described as the distant past. It smelled something fierce, the people in it looked dirty, and it all have a very small village vibe.

"What are we, colonial era?" Gus asked.

"I believe the word you're looking for is 'when' are we," Shawn corrected. He spied something out of the corner of his eye and quickly stepped back.

The Doctor pulled Gus back as well and the contents of a privy just barely avoided landing on his head. "Somewhere before the invention of the toilet. Sorry about that."

"You could have warned me, Shawn!" Gus cried out.

Shawn nodded. "That is probably true."

"We're in London at around…1599," the Doctor announced.

"That's oddly specific for an 'around'," Shawn remarked. "Most people would have gone with a nice even 'around 1600.'"

"Why London?" Gus asked. "I mean, I guess there wouldn't be much we'd recognize going on in America right now but…"

The Doctor shrugged. "I've always been partial to London. So much so that this time around I've even got one of their accents."

"This time around?" Shawn asked curiously.

"Oh, when I'm dying I regenerate," the Doctor explained airily. "I look and sound completely different and have a new personality though I keep the same memories. I've regenerated a little over nine times so far but I've yet to manage to be a ginger…"

"Don't feel bad," Shawn told him. "In my experience, red hair looks infinitely better on women than it does on men."

"How do you regenerate 'a little over' nine times?" Gus wanted to know.

"One time it was just a hand after mine had been cut off in a duel. I never did find the original, come to think of it. Well, shall we be off?" the Doctor asked, as if this was the most normal thing in the world. He started to walk away from the TARDIS. Shawn followed him but Gus stayed right where he was.

"Wait…is this even safe?" Gus asked.

"Oh, don't tell me you think the locals are going to murder you," Shawn said, shaking his head in disbelief. "If that's your attitude, you'll never have any fun."

"Well they might," Gus said stubbornly. "The first major European witch prosecution took place in 1563 in Germany and in 1542, England enacted a Witchcraft Act that regulated the penalties for witchcraft. And let's not forget the North Berwick witch trials of 1590 which ran for two years and implicated seventy people all because King James I – currently king of Scotland – had bad weather on his return trip from Denmark where he got married!"

"I would love to know how you know that," Shawn told him. "Actually, wait, no I don't. Because it's kind of disturbing that you do and I'd like to pretend that I don't know that about you."

"We're not even dressed in period clothing," Gus pointed out. "You know any future technology like the Doctor's screwdriver will make them think witches. And I'm black, Shawn! What if they try to cart me off as a slave?"

Shawn was quiet for a moment before deciding to pass the buck. "Doctor?"

"I've never had any problems – well, I shouldn't say never, really, but I've been around a long time. I rarely ever have problems and I've only had the locals attempt to enslave me three times and it was never on Earth even though I'm not even human," the Doctor rambled. He could see that wasn't doing much to reassure Gus.

"You look human," Gus pointed out. "And you look like a white guy."

"Just walk around like you own the place," the Doctor advised. "Always works for me."

Still, Gus didn't move. "Is this really safe? I mean…what if I crush a butterfly or something and end up screwing up the present? Or kill someone important? Or someone whose descendent is someone important? Or one of my or Shawn's ancestors?"

"I…would recommend not doing any of that," the Doctor replied. "I'm not much of a fan of killing people in general and I doubt that it will come to that. This is just a short trip, after all. Even if those do have a knack for spiraling out of control…But that's not the point. The point is that I've done this many, many times and have yet to accidentally ruin the future or kill one of my companion's relatives. Well, except for that one time but she was already born by that point and he was supposed to die anyway…"

Gus stared at him for a moment. "I don't want to know, do I?"

"Probably not," the Doctor agreed. "And it all could have been avoided by not going back to our own timelines and changing them. So if we were to ever, I don't know, see our past selves but have no memory of meeting our future selves, we really shouldn't interact with them or it could destroy the entire universe."

"But you're only taking us on one trip," Shawn said skeptically.

The Doctor nodded. "Exactly."

"Oh," Shawn said suddenly. "Oh, oh, oh! You're talking about that stupid story we had to read in middle school, aren't you? Cry of Thunder or something like that?"

"It was 'A Sound of Thunder', actually," Gus corrected. "And maybe."

Shawn groaned. "Dude, that story was so stupid. It was a freaking butterfly."

"That's what makes it so terrifying, Shawn! You never know!" Gus exclaimed.

"A butterfly," Shawn repeated as if that was all he needed to say. "I mean, I could see how if he killed a mammal or something he could prevent the human race from existing but a butterfly? Since when has a butterfly ever been historically significant?"

"You never know," Gus insisted. "It's called the ripple effect, Shawn. A single butterfly flapping its wings might cause a tornado somewhere."

Shawn sighed. "Gus, you know I hate it when you force me to be the rational one in this relationship."

"Those are perfectly valid scientific theories," Gus argued.

"Yeah, well so is string theory and, I ask you, why do we need a scientific theory about string?" Shawn demanded. "Now you can either come along or stay in the TARDIS and hope I don't step on any butterflies just to prove you wrong."

That settled it and Gus quickly hurried after the duo.

"It's like we've stepped into an alien world," Shawn breathed. "I bet that not one of these people have basic cable."

"Don't mind him," Gus told the surprised Doctor. "His idea of roughing it involves a lack of TiVo."

"Oh, I don't know that it's medieval England is that much different than your time," the Doctor said slowly. "I mean, look over there. They've got recycling." He pointed to a man shoveling straw. "The water cooler." Three men were gathered around a barrel of what was probably ale and a fourth was preaching about the end of days and the fiery pits of hell. "Global warming."

"I'm not sure if I should be relieved or depressed by this," Shawn confided.

"Well, how about some entertainment to cheer you up?" the Doctor suggested. "Popular entertainment for the masses." He glanced around and his eyes widened. "Oh my. We're just down the river from…that makes us right next to…oh yes!" He took off running and Shawn and Gus were forced to start running as well to catch up with him. "The Globe Theatre! Brand new. Just opened. Though strictly speaking it's not a globe, it's a tetradecagon. Fourteen sides. Containing…the man himself."

"The what theater?" Shawn asked blankly.

"The Globe Theater," Gus repeated.

"I heard him the first time," Shawn said irritably. "I just don't see the significance."

"Shawn," Gus said reverently. "Shakespeare is in there."

"Yeah, still not seeing the significance," Shawn announced.

Gus smacked his forehead. "Shawn, I refuse to believe you don't know who Shakespeare is."

"Gus, don't be the only cheeseburger at a kosher restaurant," Shawn chided. "Of course I know who Shakespeare is. Eighth grade, Hamlet. Ninth grade, Romeo and Juliet. Tenth Grade, Much Ado About Nothing. Eleventh Grade, Macbeth. Twelfth Grade, Hamlet again and Henry V. I still don't see why I should be excited about this."

"We're probably going to get to see an actual Shakespeare play directed by the man himself!" Gus exclaimed.

The Doctor nodded. "It should be quite the experience."

Shawn made a face. "Do we have to? I'm sure we could find some nice butterflies to squash instead."

Gus grabbed his arm and dragged him along. "Come on."

\----

"Is it over?" Shawn asked, holding a hand to his mouth to cover a yawn. "Please tell me it's over."

"You seriously didn't like it?" Gus asked, annoyed.

"Well, this isn't usually the reaction something like going back in time and watching an original Shakespeare production usually gets," the Doctor remarked, puzzled.

"That ending sucks. I mean, so what if the men failed to keep their oath? It was three years of celibacy. It was a stupid plan in the first place. Now the women won't have anything to do with them unless they stay celibate for another year? SO not worth it," Shawn declared.

"It's a different time," the Doctor attempted to explain.

"Well unless they have a different way of measuring years then it's still not worth it," Shawn insisted.

"You've just never been in love," Gus accused.

"If I were in love and didn't see her for an entire year, I'd probably make great strides in something I like to call 'moving on.' They so just don't want to marry these guys. Or maybe they don't want to get married at all. Not that I can blame them for that. And is it just me or are none of those women actually women?" Shawn demanded.

"Women weren't allowed to perform on stage, Shawn," Gus informed him.

The Doctor smirked. "Men dressed as women. London never changes."

"I am not going to allow your complaining to ruin this for me, Shawn," Gus decided. "AUTHOR! AUTHOR! Wait…do people call for the author in this time period?"

The people around them had taken up Gus' call for the author and soon the entire crowd was shouting out for Shakespeare.

"Well if they didn't before then they do now," the Doctor said with a grin.

"Oh look, you might have changed history," Shawn said dryly. "I sure hope we don't come back to a world with President Peroutka because let me tell you right now, I'm not sure I'm pronouncing that right."

The shouts of 'author' died down as a beaming bearded man stepped out onto the stage and a thundering applause took its place.

"Genius. Pure genius," the Doctor gushed. "He's the most human human there's ever been."

"Now our very human-ness is in question?" Shawn complained. "Now that's just not fair."

"Now we're going to hear him speak!" the Doctor continued as if he hadn't heard Shawn. "He always chooses the best words! New beautiful brilliant words!"

"I'm not sure I like the thought of him using new words," Shawn said, frowning. "What's the point if we're not going to understand them?"

"New words for the day," Gus clarified. "We know them all by now, of course. Amazement, bedroom, dawn, eyeball, gossip, label, lonely…"

"Seriously, you're scaring me," Shawn told him. "So he just made things up and put them in his play? That would be like if I wrote a play and inserted the word 'globenheimen' in it."

"Not quite the same," Gus countered. "Because you're not Shakespeare."

"What if we accidentally use a word that no one knows yet because Shakespeare hasn't invented it?" Shawn wondered.

"Now who's worrying too much?" Gus asked triumphantly.

"Um…that would still be you," Shawn replied.

"Sh, he's starting!" the Doctor hushed them.

"Shut your big fat mouths!" Shakespeare shouted out, causing a roar of laughter.

The Doctor frowned, his enthusiasm clearly dampened.

"And that is why you should never meet your idols," Shawn declared. "Unless, of course, you're like me and have awesome idols."

" You've got excellent taste, I'll give you that," Shakespeare told the crowd. He pointed to someone in the third row. "Oh, that's a wig. I know what you're all saying! Love's Labour's Lost, that's a funny ending, isn't it?"

" 'Funny' isn't quite the word I'd use…" Shawn muttered.

"Shawn!" Gus said, swatting him on the arm.

"It just stops. Do the boys get the girls? Well don't get yourselves in a tangle, you'll find out soon. All in good time. You don't rush a genius," Shakespeare said with a self-satisfied smile. Suddenly, his entire body jerked and he blinked a couple of times. "When? Tomorrow night. The premier of my brand new play. The sequel no less. And I call it…Love's Labour's Won!"

Gus waited for Shawn to beg them not to make him see it or to make some comment about how they'd be better off not chasing after such unreasonable women but he was strangely silent, his eyes trained on Shakespeare.

\----

"I'm not exactly a Shakespeare expert or anything but I've never heard of 'Love's Labour's Won'," Gus remarked as they walked along the street after the performance.

The Doctor nodded. "Exactly. It's only a rumor. It's mentioned in a list of his plays but never ever turns up. And no one knows why."

"Something really weird is going on here," Shawn agreed. "I mean, did you see what happened during Shakespeare's speech? One second it was all 'you can't rush genius' and the next he sort of jerked and proclaimed that he was going to premier it tomorrow. It almost looked like one of those voodoo things you see on TV."

Gus stopped short.

"So you think something might be influencing him?" the Doctor asked rhetorically. "That sounds serious. Well…I was just going to give you two a quick trip in the TARDIS but I supposed we can stay a bit longer."

"Oh no we can't," Gus argued. "You said one trip and we've had one trip. Let's make with the returning us home. You can come back after that."

"Gus!" Shawn hissed. "What happened to our plan to stall?"

Gus crossed his arms. "I'm sorry, Shawn, but I draw the line at getting involved with voodoo. That never ends well for anybody."

"It's probably not actual voodoo," Shawn assured him. "I mean, the Doctor already told us that magic doesn't actually exist in our universe."

Gus sighed. "Fine. But one hint of voodoo and I am staying in the TARDIS."

"Fair enough," the Doctor told him. "Of course, it's locked so…"

"Wait, you locked it?" Gus asked, horrified.

The Doctor shrugged. "Well…yeah. I couldn't just leave it like it was, after all. That would be terribly irresponsible. Ah, here we are. The Elephant. Hello! Excuse me. I'm not interrupting, am I? Mr. Shakespeare, isn't it?"

Shakespeare was sitting at a table in the inn with two men sitting across from him. He groaned when he saw them. "Oh, no, no, no. Who let you in? No autographs. No you can't have yourself sketched with me. And please don't ask where I get my ideas from. Thanks for the interest. Now be a good boy and shove off."

"I think this should explain everything," the Doctor said, taking something out of his pocket and showing it to Shakespeare.

"Not really," Shakespeare said, glancing at it. "In fact, now it's left me with one more: why do you expect that showing me a blank piece of paper will explain everything?"

Shawn glanced over at it. "It doesn't look blank to me."

"Wow," the Doctor said, his eyes wide. "You're truly amazing, you know that?"

"What?" Gus asked.

"It's psychic paper. It's a blank card that displays what the holder of the card wants them to see," the Doctor explained. "Though you have to be careful because otherwise it might display something you subconsciously want someone to know and there's nothing like 'I work out and am available' to ruin a perfectly good credential. Some species or groups are immune to it do to psychic training but you…William Shakespeare, but you are brilliant!"

"I want one," Shawn said immediately. "Think of how much easier my life would be with one of those."

The Doctor was about to reply when someone else came into the inn.

"What's the meaning of this abominable behavior?" the new man demanded. "A new play with no warning? I demanded to see a script, Mr. Shakespeare. As masters of the revels, every new script must be registered at my office and examined by me before it can be performed."

"I hardly gave you no notice," Shakespeare argued.

"You said it would be ready next week," the revel-master, "not tomorrow evening."

"It's not quite done," Shakespeare admitted. "But I can show it to you first thing tomorrow morning."

"I don't work for your schedule, you work for mine!" the revel-master said angrily. "I am offended at your attempt to comply with my wishes and therefore the only way this play will ever be performed is over my dead body!" With that, he stormed off.

"Ten bucks says he's dead by morning," Shawn said immediately.

Gus snorted. "You don't have ten bucks. And you're probably right. I know my movie clichés."

Shakespeare peered closely at them. "You're not from around here, are you?"

"Not even slightly," Shawn agreed. "We also promise not to act like creepy stalker-fans. Mostly because I'm not really a fan."

Gus elbowed him. "Don't tell him that!"

"Gus, are you asking me to lie?" Shawn asked innocently.

"Are you trying to pretend you have some sort of a problem with that?" Gus shot back.

"I can't have this conversation sober," Shawn declared. "Can someone bring me something to drink?"

"Well, this was a bit of a disappointment," the Doctor said with a sigh. "The great mystery behind the disappearance of 'Love's Labour's Won'…killed by a pompous official's ego."

Shakespeare shrugged. "It happens to the best of us. I should know, after all."

There was a scream from outside the inn and the four immediately leapt to their feet and ran outside to see what had happened.

The revel-man was expelling some sort of liquid and stumbling about.

"Just how much has he had to drink?" Gus wondered aloud.

"I think he's drowning," Shawn mused.

"But he's on land," Gus pointed out.

The Doctor rushed to the ill man's side. "I'm a Doctor," he announced. Before he could do much more than grab onto the flailing man, he collapsed. He checked for a pulse but there was none. "You're right, Shawn. He did drown," he said quietly. "I've never seen a death like it. And then there was a blow to the heart, an invisible blow."

"Incoming crowd," Shawn warned him.

"Right," the Doctor said with a nod as he stood up and addressed the closest woman to him. "Good mistress, this poor man has died from a sudden imbalance of the humors. It's a natural if unfortunate demise. Call the constable."

"Humor? He died because of humor?" Shawn repeated skeptically.

"Not humor, Shawn, humors. It was how the people in the dark ages understood medicine," Gus explained. "But everyone knows that's not really true. Why are you telling them that?"

"Because, as you said, it's the dark ages," the Doctor said grimly. "If I told them the truth they'd think it was witchcraft."

"And what was it?" Gus asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

The Doctor hesitated. "Witchcraft."

"I thought you said there was no such thing as magic!" Gus said accusingly.

"Well…it's not technically magic. Words have power, you know. These 'witches' are an alien species, I'm sure of it. I think I know which one, too, but I'm not positive," the Doctor replied.

Gus stared at him. "So…you're saying that it's alien witches who don't use magic but can still produce magic-like effects through the power of words?"

"That about sums it up," the Doctor agreed.

Gus was running towards the TARDIS before he even finished speaking.

"Gus!" Shawn cried out. He glanced at the Doctor. "I'll be right back."

\----

Eventually, Shawn managed to track Gus down and convince him to come back to the inn.

"I got you a room, sir Doctor. You, Mr. Burton, and Mr. Spencer are just across the landing," the innkeeper told them. "I'm sorry that there's only one available but there you have it." It might be a bit cramped but three people can stay in it."

"So many strange events. Poor Lynley," Shakespeare said, shaking his head. "Don't think I didn't notice him drowning on land. And you, Shawn and Gus, have such strange clothing and accents. Not to mention that I was going to announce that the play would be ready in a week after I finished writing it and gave the players longer than a few hours to learn the lines."

"I guess you could say that something's rotten in the state of Denmark," Gus spoke up.

"I could except this is London," Shakespeare said, eyeing him strangely. "But still, I like that. I might have to use it. And you, ser Doctor, how can a man so young have eyes so old?"

"I do a lot of reading," the Doctor said shortly.

"Also, he stays out of the sun. It's guaranteed to keep your skin looking far younger than it should," Shawn added.

"And try to apply it," Shakespeare agreed, nodding. "That's what I do. And your companions look at you as if they're surprised you exist. You're as much of a possible to them as you are to me."

"To be fair, we've only met recently," Gus explained. "But we really should be going. You have to finish an entire play by morning, right?"

"Good idea," Shawn agreed. "Dibs on the bed."

"Not if I get there first!"

The pair took off towards their room, the bemused Doctor exchanging a few more words with Shakespeare before following behind them. When he arrived he saw that Shawn and Gus appeared to have decided to just share the bed.

"Sorry but there's only enough room for two," Gus explained. "And neither of us knows you anywhere near enough to be comfortable with sharing anyway."

"So I get the floor, then?" the Doctor realized. "It'll do I suppose. Of course, I'm paying but don't let that trouble you."

"We won't," Shawn assured him.

"I've noticed that we don't have toothbrushes," Gus said seriously. "Will we be going back to the TARDIS in the morning? I mean, I brushed when I was back there after the play but-" He stopped as the Doctor took a toothbrush out of his pocket. "Is there any point in asking why you have a toothbrush in your pocket?"

"Not really, just enjoy the eccentricity," the Doctor advised.

"That's certainly my motto," Shawn said cheerfully.

"And you're absolutely positive this isn't witchcraft?" Gus asked, suddenly anxious again.

"It can't be," the Doctor insisted. "There's such a thing as psychic energy, but a human couldn't channel it like that. Not without a generator the size of Taunton and I think we'd have spotted that. Well…maybe. There was the case of the giant invisible wheel that Rose never let me live down even if it was during my last regeneration."

"So we're back to alien witches," Shawn remarked. "Out of curiosity…have you met any other alien mythological creatures? Maybe alien vampires? Alien mummies? Alien werewolves?"

"Not right before I go to sleep, Shawn!" Gus said warningly.

"Rose and I did run into an alien werewolf not too long ago. And alien Satan. Long story," the Doctor said, looking glum.

"So…you really miss this Rose person, huh?" Shawn asked awkwardly.

"Yeah," the Doctor admitted with a sigh. "She was something, all right."

"She's not…dead, is she?" Gus asked nervously.

"Oh, nothing like that!" the Doctor quickly assured him. "She's safe. Just…not here. Long story."

"You seem to have a lot of those," Shawn remarked.

The Doctor shrugged. "Hazards of time travelling. I'm missing something. Something huge. Something really close, staring me right in the face and I can't see it. Rose would know. Still, can't be helped. You two are novices, never mind. I'll take you back home tomorrow."

"You're…not even going to ask us if we might have any ideas?" Gus asked, miffed.

The Doctor sighed again. "Fine, why don't you tell me if you have any ideas."

"I got nothing," Gus admitted. "Shawn?"

"Aside from the fact that these 'witches' are clearly trying to get Love's Labour's Won to be performed since they did something to Shakespeare to speed up the performance date and killed that guy mere minutes after he declared that the play would never be performed, I've got nothing either," Shawn replied.

The Doctor blinked. "It's the giant invisible wheel all over again…"


	3. The Shakespeare Code Part Two

A scream woke the trio and they quickly rushed to go see what had caused it.

Shawn quickly spotted the body of the landlady and he and the Doctor knelt to examine it. Gus was going over to see the barely-awake Shakespeare when a high-pitched and quite witchy-sounding cackle drew his attention to the window.

"Doctor, could alien witches fly on broomsticks?" Gus demanded.

"Of course they could," the Doctor replied. "Plenty of species have what humans would consider to be unusual methods of levitation. Why do you ask?"

"I just saw one flying away and I think I've changed my mind," Gus announced. "I've decided that alien witches are just as bad if not worse than supernatural witches."

"Naturally since there are no such things as supernatural witches," the Doctor agreed.

"She's dead," Shawn announced. "And it looks like she died of fright."

"Probably because she just saw that alien witch," Gus opined.

"I suppose she might have flown out of this window," the Doctor agreed. "And it's not like she hasn't already targeted someone in this inn. But why kill the bartender? She wasn't trying to stop or stall the play."

"Maybe she wasn't the target," Shawn said slowly. "Shakespeare was in here after all. Maybe she just saw something she wasn't supposed to see."

"Are you saying that some sort of alien witch did something to me?" Shakespeare demanded, looking quite perturbed.

"It's possible," the Doctor admitted. "What do you remember?"

"Nothing much. I was just trying to finish up my new play in time – whatever convinced me to try and get it done in one night is beyond me – and I must have drifted off," Shakespeare said with a shrug.

"Did you finish it?" Gus asked him.

Shakespeare scanned his work. "I think so. I…wait, a minute. That's strange."

"What is?" Shawn asked.

"These words at the end. I didn't write them. I mean, I must have because they're in my handwriting but they really make no sense," Shakespeare said, puzzled.

Shawn leaned over. "Let me see." He glanced at the offending passage. "You're right. That is terrible."

"Shawn, you had better not let your irrational hatred of literary genius ruin the enjoyment of millions of people," Gus said warningly.

"Dude, I don't hate Shakespeare's work," Shawn protested.

Gus gave him a skeptical look.

"I don't!" Shawn insisted. "It just reminds me too much of high school English and therefore bores me to tears. But these last two sentences are horrible. I mean, they make no sense and come out of nowhere!"

"A lot of people find Shakespeare difficult to understand," the Doctor attempted to console Shawn.

Shakespeare looked horrified. "I should hope not! If people don't understand what's going on, they won't come see my plays!"

"Yes they will," Shawn said, rolling his eyes. "It's 'culture' and whatnot."

"So how does it end?" the Doctor asked.

Gus immediately covered his ears. "Spoilers!"

Shawn rolled his eyes again. "Yes, because you're really worried about having Shakespeare spoiled. You know, after a certain period of time I think it's safe to say that you lose the right to expect people to indulge you in the fact you haven't seen something and four hundred years is long past that time. I mean, everyone knows that it was his sled and Citizen Kane didn't come out until the 1940s."

"Shawn, do you actually know anything about that movie besides the fact that it was his sled?" Gus demanded.

"I know that it is widely considered the greatest movie ever made and so I consider it to be highly overrated," Shawn replied. "But how about a more recent example and something I've actually seen? In the Matrix, they're not in the real world but in the Matrix."

"That's the title of the movie, Shawn," Gus pointed out. "What about the fact that the Matrix is actually a giant computer sim-"

"Sh!" Shawn cut him off. "Don't spoil it for the Doctor and Shakespeare."

"I've actually already seen all three of them," the Doctor volunteered.

"See? The Doctor's already seen it and Shakespeare will be dead for centuries before any movie comes out, let alone the Matrix," Gus said triumphantly.

"You lot are making it absolutely impossible for me to even pretend that I haven't realized that you're all from the future and the Doctor is from another planet," Shakespeare complained.

Shawn had the grace to look a little sheepish. "Whoops. Is it okay that he knows that?"

"As long as he doesn't go around telling everyone or writes anything about time travelers or aliens," the Doctor replied, staring intently at Shakespeare.

"Not to worry, I know that – future consequences aside – doing so would not end very well for me here. They'd probably say I was mad or possessed or something," Shakespeare assured them.

"Good. Now, Shawn, you were going to tell us what was so strange about the play's ending?" the Doctor prompted.

Gus quickly covered his ears as Shawn cleared his throat. "Right. 'Betwixt Dravidian shores and Linear 5-9-3-0-1-6-7.02 and strikes the fulsome grove of Rexel 4. Co-radiating crystal, activate!'"

Gus uncovered his ears. "Alright, I'll admit it, that is pretty terrible."

"Gus! You could hear what I was saying?" Shawn asked, surprised.

Gus nodded reluctantly. "Covering your ears isn't nearly as effective as it is on TV."

"Then why did you bother covering your ears in the first place?" Shawn asked logically.

"It made me feel better about the fact I had no choice but to be spoiled," Gus replied.

"Gus, this play was written four hundred years ago. Get over it," Shawn advised.

"But it's a lost play so I've never seen it!" Gus pointed out. "And given that we're back on the day that the play is initially performed, it's so fair to ask not to get spoiled."

"Do you two have any idea what this means?" the Doctor spoke up then, looking stunned.

"I'm going to have to go with 'no', particularly as you haven't clarified what 'this' is," Shawn answered.

"Rexel 4. Rexel 4 was the home planet of the Carrionites," the Doctor revealed, shaking his head in amazement.

"You said 'was'," Shakespeare noted astutely. "Did something happen to them?"

"And what are the Carrionites?" Gus added. "The alien witches?"

"Oh, this explains everything!" the Doctor exclaimed. "Yes, they are the alien witches. Most species have a math-based scientific system but the Carrionites have a word-based one. Their technology is often confused with witchcraft which is why the Time Lords hated them so much. They can use puppets of people as a sort of voodoo doll and I'll bet you anything that's how that man drowned on land! Oh, they can fly, teleport, communicate across distance, and a limited ability to discover their target's name."

"Word-based science?" Gus asked. "That makes no sense. At all. And if they can just say a nice rhyme and get something magic-seeming done…are we really sure there's that much of a difference between them and real witches or are you just saying that to save Time Lord pride?"

"I'm sure," the Doctor said firmly. "Admittedly, I wasn't sure if they were real or legend since they disappeared way back at the beginning of the universe but people have always said that about Time Lords given the whole 'don't meddle' thing."

Shawn snorted. " 'Don't meddle'?" he repeated. "How's that working out for you?"

"I was never a very obedient Time Lord," the Doctor confessed.

Shawn grinned. "I knew there was a reason I liked you."

"Well, that and the fact you're taking us time travelling," Gus added. "Which, despite the alarming presence of alien witches and the fact I'm still not absolutely convinced we're not ruing the future, is actually pretty great."

"It's just one trip!" the Doctor reminded them.

"Keep telling yourself that," Shawn told him.

"And knowing someone's name is important?" Shakespeare asked. "Because they know mine."

"Bet you're glad I keep giving you awesome aliases now," Shawn remarked.

Gus shook his head. "You haven't given me one since we've arrived but I don't think they'd have any reason to know us."

"The Carrionites place great importance on names but they also need a DNA sample to control you," the Doctor continued.

"A what sample?" Shakespeare asked blankly.

"I can answer this one!" Shawn said cheerfully. "Man, I can't believe I know something Shakespeare doesn't."

"To be fair, the man did live four hundred years ago," Gus reminded him.

"Technically, I live in the present and you are from four hundred years in the future," Shakespeare corrected. "Now what is this 'DNA sample' you speak of?"

"It's a part of you," Shawn explained. "Like a strand of hair. If this Rexel 4 is the Carrionites home planet then they probably took a strand of our hair and forced you to write those end lines. Then the landlady came in and caught one of them so she was killed."

"I must say that actually seeing someone that's been frightened to death makes me really wonder about how the way I spend my time is going to affect my life expectancy," Gus muttered.

"I don't see how this can be, though, they were banished a long time ago," the Doctor mused.

"What happened?" Shawn asked.

The Doctor waved a hand. "Oh, the Carrionites were a vicious race that had a nasty habit of attacking other planets from far away. Eventually, they got into a war with a species with similar abilities called the Hervoken and threatened all of existence so the Eternals stepped in and banished them."

"So if they can use words to get things done and they're trying to use Shakespeare's words to do something – perhaps bring their planet back? – then they probably escaped somehow using Shakespeare's words," Shawn theorized. "Dude, now you should definitely take those lines out."

Shakespeare nodded and reached for a quill. "Absolutely. Who knows what might have happened otherwise?"

"But what if the witches are watching the rehearsal and notice that the lines they need aren't in the script anymore?" Gus demanded. "They might try to find a way to add them back in."

Shakespeare nodded again. "Very good point. I'll simply instruct the boys not to rehearse the final scene together. It's so short and they're professions so they really won't need to. I'll tell them I want it to be a surprise or something."

"We can't just leave however many Carrionites here, though," the Doctor pointed out. "They might kill more people or try something else to bring back their home. We need to find them and stop them."

"Do we have any leads?" Shawn asked. "Anyone that might have mentioned witches in the past?"

"Peter Street did," Shakespeare revealed.

"Who was that?" Gus asked.

"He was the architect of the Globe," Shakespeare explained.

"The architect…The architect! The Globe! Oh, of course!" the Doctor cried out.

"For those of us that didn't just have an epiphany…" Shawn prompted. "Man, the suspense is really killing me. Is this what it's like when I haven't explained things yet? If so: awesome."

"There are fourteen sides to the Globe Theater," the Doctor declared. "Does anybody know why?"

"There are fourteen lines in a sonnet," Gus volunteered.

Shawn groaned. "Oh, come on! Can you even pretend to be normal?"

"Everyone knows that," Gus insisted.

"There are also fourteen planets in the Rexel System, although I suppose it's a little unfair to expect you to know that," the Doctor mused. "I might have thought that was a coincidence but you said the architect spoke of witches. Where is he now? Do you think we might be able to speak with him?"

"You might be able to get in to see him but I don't know how much help he'll be," Shakespeare told them. "After all, he was committed to Bedlam about a month after finishing the Globe. He really lost his mind, started babbling about witches and hearing voices. Of course, now I find out he's not so crazy." He paused. "Or I'm joining him in his madness. That would make a good play, I think, one man's slow descent into madness…"

" 'Genius is one of the many forms of insanity,'" the Doctor quoted.

Shakespeare nodded. "I might use that."

"You can't. It's somebody else's," the Doctor informed him.

Shakespeare tilted his head. "Not yet it isn't…"

"Bedlam's a me-" Gus started to say.

"Please, Gus, I know what Bedlam is. I have seen Nightmare On Elm Street, you know," Shawn sniffed.

"That's Westin Hills, not Bedlam," Gus corrected.

Shawn shrugged. "Same difference."

"Well, we might as well get going and hope this Peter Street knows anything useful," the Doctor announced.

Shawn held up a hand. "Not just yet. We haven't even had breakfast yet and I brought pineapple."

Shakespeare looked baffled. "You can't eat pineapple."

Shawn shot him a horrified look. "W-what? Who are you and why do you hate everything good and delicious?"

"He means pinecones," the Doctor explained. "The fruit you're thinking of wasn't known in England until 1694."

"Does this mean we're changing history?" Gus asked nervously.

Shawn shrugged and picked up the pineapple he had on the floor and placed in on the table. "Who cares? If history really changes, I think Shakespeare discovering the most awesome fruit ever will be the least of our concerns. Alien witches, remember?"

Gus sighed. "I remember," he said miserably.

\----

Shakespeare stopped off at the Globe long enough to hand out the script and to instruct the actors not to rehearse the final altered-then-unaltered scene – just in case – and then they were off to Bedlam. It looked appropriately dismal and creepy from the outside and even the angel statue outside appeared slightly menacing…or so insisted Gus.

"Dude, you have no idea how embarrassing it is that you're scared of angel statues," Shawn complained as they were being led to Street. "I mean, being scared of any statue would be bad enough now that we're no longer five but a freaking angel statue? Come on!"

"I'm not scared of them," Gus claimed. "I just find them extremely creepy. I can't explain it. There's something just…not right about them."

"Good instincts," the Doctor said approvingly. "The Weeping Angels look just like statues when you can see them."

"Oh come on," Shawn laughed. "The Weeping Angels?"

The Doctor nodded. "Oh, yes. They're nightmarish beings, really. They-"

"Hold on," Shawn interrupted. "Is this liable to give Gus nightmares?"

The Doctor stopped. "Maybe?"

"Then please don't," Shawn requested. "You'll thank me when he's not waking you up at three in the morning."

"I do not do that," Gus said firmly.

The jailer politely waited for them to quiet down. "Does my lord, Doctor, wish some entertainment while he waits?"

"I do quite like a good entertainment," the Doctor mused. "It really depends on what you have in mind, though."

"I'd whip these madmen. They'll put on a good show for ya," the jailor promised. "Bandog and Bedlam!'

The Doctor made a face. "Ah, right. Well, thanks anyway."

The jailer shrugged. "Wait here, my lords, while I make him decent for gentlemen like yourselves."

Gus shuddered. "This place is barbaric."

"It might be at that but it serves its purpose. Madmen cannot be allowed to live among the sane and when I was mad it was only fear of this place that made me well again," Shakespeare said quietly.

"But these people are sick and the people here are exploiting them for entertainment value!" Gus said indignantly. "How are any of them supposed to get better if they're being so mistreated? They're locked up and overcrowded and beaten."

"By the time you get mad enough for Bedlam there usually isn't any coming back," Shakespeare replied.

"Certainly not if this is the standard of care! And even if not one of them had a chance of getting better with the best medication and facilities the twenty-first century could provide, that doesn't justify all of this abuse," Gus said hotly.

"It's a different time, Gus," the Doctor said softly. "And even now…in the first half of the twentieth century doctors were regularly performing prefrontal lobotomies that could leave the patient literally a shell of a person."

Shakespeare shrugged. "I don't know what life is like when you're from but now we don't have any better way to deal with the mad. Everyone knows you don't want to end up in Bedlam but what can you do? We don't have the resources people from your time seem to. Try not to judge us too harshly in light of that."

Gus was about to respond when the jailer called out, "This way, m'lord!"

They followed the jailer's voice to the cell that presumably contained Street. The man inside had his back to them and his head bowed but they could sort of make out filthy dirty-blonde hair.

"They can be dangerous, m'lord," the jailer cautioned. "Don't know their own strength."

"I think it helps if you don't whip them," the Doctor advised. "Now get out."

The jailer just glanced towards Street again before taking his leave.

The Doctor knelt down beside Peter and put his hand on his shoulder. "Peter?"

Peter's head shot up and he gazed at the doctor with wide, glassy eyes.

"Peter, I'm the Doctor," the Doctor said in a comforting yet authoritative tone. "Go into the past, one year ago. Let your mind go back, back to when everything was fine and shining. Everything that happened in this year since happened to somebody else. It was just a story. A winter's tale. Let go. Listen. That's it, just let go." He helped Peter lie down on his cot. "Tell me the story, Peter. Tell me about the witches."

"He's really good at this, isn't he?" Shakespeare whispered.

"He's been travelling so long he probably has some experience dealing with those who aren't quite stable," Gus reasoned.

Trembling, Peter hissed out a reply. "Witches spoke to Peter. In the night, they whispered. Got Peter to build the Globe to their design. THEIR design! The 14 walls — always 14. When the work was done they sapped poor Peter's wits."

"Why didn't they just kill him?" Shawn wondered. "I mean, it would tie up this loose end a lot better and it's not like they've shown themselves adverse to committing murder."

"I bet if they find out we were here they will ask themselves that exact question," Gus responded.

"Where did Peter see the witches? Where in the city?" the Doctor asked urgently. "Peter, tell me. You've got to tell me where were they?"

Peter took a few shuddering breaths before he answered. "All Hallows Street."

Shawn rolled his eyes. "Oh, of course it is. Clearly, these alien witches have no concept of subtlety."

"Too many words!" a wizened old creature that could only be described as a witch announced as she suddenly appeared behind the Doctor.

The Doctor immediately moved to the other side of the room.

Gus went to the door and started shaking the bars. "Let us out!"

Shawn snorted. "Like that will stop it."

"It wouldn't matter if it could. No one will listen as the whole building's shouting that," Shakespeare pointed out.

"Just one touch of the heart…" the witch said, holding up her two pointer fingers and slowly descending on Peter.

"Creature, I name you Carrionite!" the Doctor shouted.

The Carrionite began to scream and then sort of melted and faded into light.

"…I'm not sure what's stranger," Shakespeare confessed. "The fact that I just saw a real live witch or the fact that the witch just melted."

"Alien witch," Gus corrected.

"Melting witches are so cliché," Shawn complained. "Hasn't she ever seen the Wizard of Oz?"

"I highly doubt that," Gus replied. "Besides, it's not like she can help it if she melts. At least the light instead of puddle of liquid and having it be at the name of her species and not at getting wet is somewhat of a new take on it."

"I'm just glad that I only had to name her species and not her actual name," the Doctor admitted. "All I would have been able to think of was Rumplestilksin."

"That would have been my first guess as well," Shawn agreed. "Followed by Doomfinger and then Lassie. How many guesses would we have had, anyway?"

"As many as it took to kill us all, presumably," Shakespeare said dryly. "So what now? To All Hallows Street?"

The Doctor briefly considered it before shaking his head. "No. We have to get to the play and make sure that the Carrionites can't use it to bring about the end of the world. If we don't find the witches there then after the performance we can look for them on All Hallows Street."

As they waited for the jailer to let them out, Gus shook his head in disappointment. "Seriously, Shawn? Doomfinger?"

"What?" Shawn demanded. "That's a perfectly reasonable guess!"

\----

The Doctor and Gus were almost in tears by the time the performance was nearing its end. Shakespeare had disappeared behind the curtain before the play had started and three time-travelers were in the audience waiting for the Carrionites to make their move.

"This is so beautiful," the Doctor murmured.

"I can't believe I'm actually witnessing the first performance of a Shakespeare play!" Gus marveled.

"I've been to the first performance of all of them," the Doctor confided. "But it never gets old and I usually hate repeats!"

"Why were we trying so hard to save this again?" Shawn wondered idly.

"So you can rub it in Lassiter's face later and impress Juliet with it," Gus reminded him.

Shawn snapped his fingers and grinned. "How ever could I forget such a worthy cause?"

"Behold the swainish sight of woman's love. Pish! It's out of season to be heavy disposed," one of the actors said, concluding the play.

The actors all came out to take their bow and the audience roared with approval.

"NO!" came an outraged shout from one of the balconies.

"Is this it or did someone just really not like the sequel?" Shawn asked.

"Could be either but let's not take any chances," the Doctor said, pushing his way to the stage.

"How can this be? We possessed the man and changed the lines! Why didn't they say them?"

Now they could see the speaker. She was a young woman with flowing chestnut hair who happened to be levitating next to two wrinkled crones. She was holding up what appeared to be a crystal ball and, after muttering a few words, red light began to erupt from the crystal.

"Dude, she's so hot," Shawn breathed.

Gus smacked his arm. "What's the matter with you? Those are alien witches!"

"Yeah, and she's a hot alien witch," Shawn countered.

"I think that one was the one who tried to kill Peter," Gus said, pointing to the one they'd seen earlier.

"Yeah, and the hot one was working at the inn where we stayed last night," Shawn announced. "What's your point?"

"Doctor!" Shakespeare cried, rushing towards them. "What can we do?"

"I would suggest running," Gus offered.

"That won't solve anything," Shakespeare argued. "It might not even save us for very long."

"Will, you need to re-banish them," the Doctor instructed.

Shakespeare looked taken aback. "W-what? Me? Are you sure? I'm not the alien time-traveler here."

"Maybe not but it's not me we need right now, it's you. Well…it's me to tell you why and how it's you," the Doctor amended. "But listen! The shape of the Globe gives words power, but you're the wordsmith, the one true genius. The only man clever enough to do it!"

"But…I'm not prepared! I don't have any words ready!" Shakespeare protested. "If you knew we were going to do this then we really should have rehearsed!"

"You're William Shakespeare!" the Doctor said as if that solved everything.

"Yes, that's very nice but that doesn't mean that the words always come!" Shakespeare argued. "And these Carrionite phrases, they need such precision!"

"If you mess up you can always try again," Shawn suggested. "They seem more into random raging than specifically targeting you right now anyway."

Shakespeare nodded and closed his eyes. "Right. I can do this." He took a deep breath. "Close up this den of hateful, dire decay! Decomposition of your witches' plot! You thieve my brains, consider me your toy. My doting Doctor tells me I am not! Foul Carrionite spectres, cease your show! Between the points..." He trailed off, glancing at the Doctor.

"For someone who said he couldn't do it, he sure is delivering," Shawn muttered to Gus.

"Well of course!" Gus replied. "He isWilliam Shakespeare, after all. He's one of the most brilliant men that ever lived."

"7-6-1-3-9-0," the Doctor supplied.

"7-6-1-3-9-0! And banished like a tinker's cuss, I say to thee..." He trailed off again, at a loss.

The Doctor's mouth worked but no sound came out. He couldn't think of anything either.

"Leave without a fuss!" Gus burst out.

"Leave without us a fuss!" the Doctor repeated gleefully.

"Leave without a fuss!" Shakespeare shouted at the witches.

The Carrionites screamed out as a whirlwind appeared and sucked them into it.

"I wonder if I can convince them it's part of the play," Shakespeare murmured, stroking his beard.

The Doctor laughed. "I wonder if you could convince them that it wasn't. Of course, now you'll have to explain to them that this was strictly a special opening night deal and the other performances will end on a much duller note. Not that your work is dull or anything!"

Shakespeare laughed, too. "I understand."

\----

"See? Changing history doesn't always have to be bad," Shawn said the next day as he and Gus were waiting around with Shakespeare for the Doctor to finish up with…whatever it was he had to do with the props.

Gus looked blank. "Changing history? Oh! You mean…because we saved the play…Oh my God, we changed history!"

"You don't seriously think saving one little Shakespeare play is going to destroy the world, do you?" Shawn asked rhetorically.

"If anything, it'll probably make the world a better place," Gus declared.

"You're going to give me an ego," Shakespeare teased.

"Good props store back there!" the Doctor said as he made his way towards them holding a skull. "I'm not sure about this though. Reminds me of a Sycorax."

"Sycorax, huh? I might use that," Shakespeare said thoughtfully.

The Doctor opened his mouth and then closed it and shrugged. "Ah, what the hell?"

"So what are you going to do now?" Gus asked, trying not to sound too eager.

"I think it's time that I wrote about fathers and sons. And madness. And maybe witches. Of course, that might be too much for just one play…" Shakespeare mused.

"Not alien witches?" Shawn asked.

Shakespeare laughed. "Please. I'm trying for some semblance of realism here."

"So I heard that Peter was released from Bedlam," the Doctor remarked.

Shakespeare nodded. "It's not exactly unheard of but rarely is it because the patient has suddenly found themselves cured. I guess those Carrionites being banished broke whatever hold they had on him."

"You saved him. But anyway, time we were off," the Doctor decided, picking up the crystal the Carrionites had had which Shawn had been using as a footrest. "I've got a nice attic in the TARDIS where this lot can scream for all eternity and I've gotta take these two home."

When the Doctor wasn't looking, Shawn winked and mouthed 'That's what he thinks' to Shakespeare who smiled knowingly.

Just then, two actors burst through the doors and ran up to them.

"Will! Will! You'll never believe it! She's here! She's turned up!" one of the actors exclaimed, shocked and thrilled.

"We're the talk of the town. She heard about last night! She wants us to perform it again!" the other continued.

"Who?" Gus asked, frowning.

"Her Majesty!" the second actor said as if it were obvious. "After all this time she's actually here!"

"I hope she won't be disappointed by the other ending," Shakespeare said worriedly. "I just don't know how we could reproduce last night's show."

Fanfare began to play as Queen Elizabeth I entered the room.

"Queen Elizabeth I!" the Doctor said excitedly. Would you believe I've never met her? Always wanted to."

The Doctor's exclamation got the Queen's attention. "Doctor!"

"What?" the Doctor asked blankly.

" 'Never met', have we?" she demanded. "No wonder you're my sworn enemy!"

"What?" the Doctor sounded a bit more incredulous.

"Off with his head!" the Queen ordered.

"What?"

"How very Queen of Hearts of her," Shawn noted. "Although I suppose to be fair, she did come first…"

"Never mind that, just run!" Gus urged, taking off. The Doctor was right behind him.

"I'll catch up," Shawn promised as he went to go talk to the Queen.

\----

"Finally! I thought we were going to have to leave without you!" the Doctor said, relieved, when Shawn entered the TARDIS ten minutes later.

"Do that and I promise you that I will totally ruin the future," Shawn informed him.

"He would," Gus vouched. "So did you find out why she's after him?"

Shawn nodded and a wicked smile stole across his face. "Oh did I ever. Marrying and deflowering the Virgin Queen and then abandoning her? No wonder she wrote it out of history."

"WHAT?"

" 'You keep saying that word. I do not think it means what you think it means'," Shawn quoted.

Gus rolled his eyes. "No, Shawn, I think it means exactly what he thinks it means."

"I don't think you have anything to worry about just yet," Shawn assured the still-stunned Doctor. "She said you seemed kind of unbalanced. Any time you heard knocks you freaked out so she had to ban knocking four times in your presence."

"Well…it might be something to look forward to. I guess," the Doctor said uncertainly. "Why is it that every British Queen seems determined to hate me? First Queen Victoria, now this…"

"If I had to guess then I'd say it's because you pull stunts like this," Shawn replied.

Gus's jaw worked. "You married Queen Victoria, too?"

"Not exactly. Though she did knight me roughly ten seconds before banishing me after she quite possibly turned into a werewolf…"


	4. Gridlock

The Doctor hadn't said anything about taking them home but he hadn't said anything about taking them anywhere else either so Gus and Shawn were in the middle of a very heated silent argument. Gus lost and so he took the lead when they approached the Doctor.

"So, Doctor," he began hesitantly. "We've been thinking. You know how you told us that we got one trip in the TARDIS and that was it?"

"I do remember saying something about that, yeah," the Doctor agreed. "You had fun meeting Shakespeare, right?"

Gus tilted his head. "Until the witches showed up." Shawn nudged him. "I mean, of course we did. It was wonderful. But seriously, how often do you run into alien witches?"

"It's never happened before and, given that they've been re-banished, I doubt it will ever happen again," the Doctor assured him.

"And so it normally doesn't spiral wildly out of control?" Gus asked, just to make sure.

The Doctor smiled sheepishly. "Well…about that…"

"We just don't think it's fair," Shawn jumped in before the Doctor could say anything that would get Gus off of his side and angling to go home again.

"That you had to deal with alien witches?" the Doctor asked, confused.

Gus nodded. "Yes," he said seriously.

"No," Shawn said firmly, sending a glare Gus' way. "We don't think it's fair that our one trip was to the past. On our planet. In England."

"Hey!" the Doctor protested. "What's wrong with England? I love England!"

"I'm a patriot," Shawn declared dramatically.

Gus snorted. "No, you're not."

"I am when it's convenient!" Shawn insisted. "If that's not true patriotism, what is?" He paused. "Don't answer that."

"So you're complaining that you got to go travelling in time? Even though you had fun?" the Doctor asked incredulously, trying to understand what they were getting at.

"I'm not sure 'complaining' is really the right word," Gus said delicately.

"We ask…nay, we demand to go to the future! And another planet! It won't be a proper trip until we do," Shawn claimed.

"And then we'd be happy to go home and respect your wish to travel alone," Gus promised.

"Speak for yourself," Shawn muttered. Gus elbowed him. "I mean, yes. That is absolutely how this will go. Scout's honor."

The Doctor grinned at them. "Would you believe that I was just considering stretching the definition of 'one trip' myself?"

"Clearly it's fate," Shawn remarked.

Strangely, the Doctor frowned at this. "I don't like fate. Comes from being a time-traveler, I think."

"Even self-made fate?" Shawn asked.

"No, that's alright," the Doctor admitted, "but is it really fate if you get to choose it?"

Shawn shrugged. "Beats me but after it's been done everyone will inevitably call it that anyway."

"Hey, Doctor, do you think we could go to your planet?" Gus asked excitedly.

The Doctor turned away before they could see him visibly deflate. "Ahh, there's plenty of other planets."

"Yeah, but I want to see-" Gus started to say.

"C'mon, Gus, that'd be no fun for the Doctor!" Shawn quickly interrupted. "It'd be like if we took him home to meet my dad."

"Which will absolutely happen at some point, mark my words," Gus warned.

The Doctor made a face. "Yeah, I don't really do domestics. I mean, I have before but never willingly and I will probably complain loudly before and afterwards."

"Not during?" Gus inquired curiously.

The Doctor's eyes widened in shock. "Of course not! That would be rude! I think. Would that be rude?"

"Yes, it would," Gus confirmed. "Though I'm not sure you could really call Shawn's relationship with his father 'domestic.'"

"But Gus' family is right out," Shawn announced.

Gus shrugged. "That's alright. I'm not sure they'd approve of this anyway."

Shawn shook his head pityingly. "I can't believe you'd let a little thing like that stop you."

Gus crossed his arms. "I'm here, aren't I?" he demanded.

"Plus, if the Doctor's any indication then Time Lords all look human-" Shawn began.

"Humans all look Time Lord," the Doctor corrected. "We came first."

"You'd barely even realize you were dealing with an alien!" Shawn continued, ignoring the interruption.

"That's true…" Gus conceded. "What kind of alien do you want to see?"

"A race of talking cats," Shawn replied promptly.

Gus rolled his eyes. "Be serious, Shawn."

"What, we have alien witches and evil angel statues but I want to see a race of talking cats and I need to 'be serious'?" Shawn demanded. "I bet if you wanted to see it it would be more serious."

"I'm just saying, that seems highly unlikely," Gus tried to placate him.

"Actually, I do know of a race of talking cats," the Doctor spoke up. "Well…sort of. They're human-sized but they have cat features and they can talk. They're called Catkind. I can't say much about their morals but if we head to after I shut the hospital down they should still be there…"

"So you've decided on a planet then?" Shawn asked eagerly.

The Doctor nodded enthusiastically as he started working the controls. "Year five billion and fifty-three, planet New Earth! Second hope of mankind! Fifty thousand light years from your old world, and we're slap bang in the middle of New New York. Although, technically it's the fifteenth New York from the original, so it's New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New York. One of the most dazzling cities ever built."

"Mankind didn't get any more original with naming did we?" Shawn asked rhetorically. "Lame. You'd think by the time you get to the point you have to count how many 'news' you said you'd give it up and pick something easier to remember."

"That's why they just call it 'New New York,'" the Doctor replied.

"Hey Shawn, can I talk to you for a minute?" Gus asked pleasantly. "Over here?"

"Huh? Oh sure," Shawn agreed, following Gus over to the other side of the room.

"What was that all about?" Gus demanded quietly.

"What was what all about?" Shawn asked blankly. "You do remember that I'm not really psychic, right?"

"Of course I do," Gus said impatiently. "I meant the way you completely shot down my idea to go see the Time Lord world. Don't you want to see the Doctor's home planet?"

"Of course I do!" Shawn replied.

"Then why didn't you let me ask him to take us there?" Gus demanded.

"Dude, did you see the way he reacted to that question? Clearly that was the last thing in the world he wanted to do and since he still hasn't agreed to let us keep traveling with him, I figured why push our luck," Shawn explained.

"Why wouldn't he want to show us…whatever his planet's name was?" Gus wondered.

Shawn shrugged. "I don't know. It could be a lot of things. Maybe he's ashamed or embarrassed of his planet. Maybe he just really hates his people. Maybe he's got something more impressive to show us. Maybe he got banished. Maybe he's a criminal. Maybe his entire race is dead."

"Oh, come on. What are the odds that his entire race is dead?" Gus asked skeptically.

"That would depend on whether or not his entire race is, in fact, dead," Shawn replied.

"You always say that," Gus complained.

"What can I say, buddy? It's not like we know anything else about Time Lords and we already know from the Carrionites that it's possible to completely wipe out a race. Even if they were banished instead of killed," Shawn amended.

"Well, what about him being a criminal? Do we really want to travel with a criminal?" Gus asked worriedly.

"It's not like we have any idea of the kind of laws his people have. Maybe he was arrested for having hair that was too awesome," Shawn suggested.

Gus stared at him. "No one would have a law like that, Shawn."

"You sure?" Shawn asked him. "There are a lot of stupid laws out there. Just in California, for instance, you can't wiggle while dancing. I would really like to know what they were thinking when they came up with that one. And by 'I would really like to know' I really mean 'I don't care' so if you do happen to know why, please don't tell me."

"I don't know," Gus assured him.

Shawn narrowed his eyes. "I'm trying to decide if I believe you or not…But look, whatever the reason is, it's clear that he doesn't want to talk about it right now so let's just go do this and maybe after our second trip we can press him on why he doesn't want to go home if we absolutely must."

"I suppose that's fair," Gus agreed.

\----

"Couldn't you have taken us here when it wasn't raining?" Gus asked as they hurried along the streets.

"I could have tried but frankly I think we should just count our blessings that we ended up in New New York at all," the Doctor replied. "The TARDIS can be…temperamental."

"I'd like to state that, for the record, this feels too much like Earth to really qualify as a different planet and I've yet to see any evidence of being in the future," Shawn declared.

"Well, how about this?" the Doctor asked, going over to a dead screen and shining his sonic screwdriver on it for a moment before it lit up.

"I want one," Shawn announced.

"We know," Gus and the Doctor said in unison.

"Just making sure you didn't forget," Shawn said innocently. "Hint. Hint."

"And the driving should be clear and easy, with fifteen extra lanes open for the New New Jersey expressway," a blonde reporter was saying as the screen flickered to life. The view switched to a clearly futuristic city with cars flying through the air.

"Oh, that's more like it! That's the New we had last time. This must be the lower levels. Down in the base of the tower, some sort of under-city," the Doctor theorized.

"She was so lying," Shawn told them.

"About what?" Gus asked quizzically. "She was giving a traffic report."

"I don't know," Shawn admitted. "But she was clearly lying."

"I don't see how," the Doctor told him. "Or why, for that matter. It should be easy to check and see if the driving up top is 'clear and easy' or not."

Shawn shrugged. "I just call them like I see them."

"Well until you come up with something plausible, let's focus on something else. Like, say, the fact that the Doctor brought us to the slums," Gus complained.

"Much more interesting! It's all cocktails and glitter up there. This is the real city," the Doctor enthused.

"So, what? Up there's the 'fake' city?" Gus asked sarcastically.

"Ah, this place isn't so bad," Shawn claimed. "In fact, I used to live in a place just like this."

"How many times did you get mugged?" Gus demanded.

"Gus, don't be racist," Shawn admonished.

"That's not being racist, Shawn," Gus said exasperatedly.

"Classist?" Shawn tried.

"Just answer the damn question, Shawn," Gus ordered.

"Probably less than other people," Shawn said noncommittally.

"Hey look, the rain's stopping!" the Doctor announced.

"If only we'd landed twenty minutes later…" Gus said ruefully.

Suddenly the top of one of the large green boxes around them flipped open to reveal a street vendor's cart. "Oh! You should have said. How long you been there? Happy! You want Happy!"

"I'm not sure what he's talking about but I feel condescended towards," Shawn said indignantly.

"Customers! Customers! We've got customers!" a woman said as her hidden vendor sprang open.

"So now we can't even walk down the street without being customers?" Gus asked, annoyed.

Apparently all of the boxes – and there were quite a few – were really vendors and they all acted like they hadn't seen somebody walking by who might possibly be a potential customer for weeks.

"Are they selling drugs?" Gus asked uncertainly.

"I think they're selling moods," the Doctor replied.

"I remember the good old days when drugs had far more interesting names," Shawn said nostalgically. "Angel Dust, Satan's Secret, Lady Snow, Half Moon, Magic Mint…"

Shawn trailed off as a pale woman with a shawl wrapped her head walked right past them and up to the closest vendor.

"I'd like to buy Forget," she said, sounding out of it.

"That's not even a mood," Shawn complained. "It's not even 'forgetful' just 'forget.'"

"I've got Forget, my darling," the vendor said, sounding rather creepy. "What strength? How much you want forgetting?"

"It's my mother and father. They went on the motorway," the woman said hollowly.

"Oh, that's so sweet," the vendor said, reaching into her supply.

" 'Sweet'?" Shawn couldn't believe it. "Dude, she's trying to forget her parents and this woman thinks it's 'sweet'?"

"Try this. Forget Forty-three. That's twopence," the vendor informed her customer.

"How much is a pence?" Shawn wondered.

"I think it's worth, like, three cents," Gus replied. "Of course, it's also British money so…"

Shawn whistled. "Damn are drugs cheap in the future. And I would have thought inflation would have done just the opposite and it had been worth a thousand dollars or something. And why are they using British money in New New York?"

"Not everyone hates Britain," the Doctor sniffed.

"I don't hate it," Shawn tried to explain. "I just-"

"Hold that thought," the Doctor interrupted. "Excuse me, ma'am, what happened to your parents?"

The woman's gaze flickered towards him. "They drove off."

"They might drive back," the Doctor pointed out.

"Most children who get abandoned by their parents tend to be just a little bit younger than this," Shawn noted.

"Everyone goes to the motorway in the end. I've lost them," the woman insisted.

"But they can't have gone far. You could find them," the Doctor suggested.

The woman just gave him a pitying look and put a patch – presumably forgetfulness – on her neck. She blinked a few times. "I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

"Your parents. Your mother and father. They're on the motorway," the Doctor immediately reminded her with absolutely no concern for the fact she'd just deliberately ridden herself of that information.

"Are they?" the woman said vaguely. "That's nice. I'm sorry, won't keep you." With that, she wandered off.

"Okay, I'll bite," Shawn said. "Can she not remember her parents at all, can't remember what 'going to the motorway' means, or she's just too out of it to react?"

"For her sake, I hope it's the first one or she is going to be in for a rude shock when she comes out of it or asks anybody else about the motorway," Gus replied. "Although at least the drug is cheap."

"Is 'going to the motorway' some new slang for committing suicide?" the Doctor wondered. "Something strange is going on here and I sincerely hope that this time it's not my fault and I didn't ruin everything."

Shawn and Gus exchanged alarmed looks.

"Um, this time?" Gus finally asked.

The Doctor coughed. "Right, you weren't there. Um…never mind then. Forget I said anything."

"Did someone say forget?" the vendor perked up. "Because I can help you with-"

"NO," all three of them said loudly.

Suddenly, a man ran up to them and put his arm around Shawn's neck. "I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry. We just need three, that's all," he said, sounding apologetic.

A woman stepped in front of him and pointed a gun at the Doctor and Gus.

"No, let him go!" the Doctor shouted, advancing on them. "I'm warning you, let him go!"

"Gus, do something!" Shawn cried out, ignoring his gibbering captors.

"Shawn, they've got a gun," Gus argued.

"Oh come on! We've been in these kinds of situations before!" Shawn exclaimed as they started dragging him back with them.

"Yeah and I'd like to continue my perfect record of not being shot!" Gus shot back.

"You are officially the worst friend ever," Shawn accused.

Gus' eye twitched. "Do you really want to go there, Shawn? Because if so then let me remind you that-"

"That's not a real gun!" Shawn shouted.

Everyone – the Doctor, Gus, and his own captors – stopped.

"Yes it is!" the woman insisted, trying to keep her gun-arm steady. "Don't make me prove it."

"Shawn, this is five billion years into the future!" Gus pointed out. "You can't possibly have seen a gun like that, real or otherwise, in your life!"

"Just trust me on this," Shawn pleaded.

"How sure are you?" the Doctor spoke up.

"About seventy-eight percent," Shawn told him.

"I'm really not comfortable with anything less than eighty percent," Gus declared.

"Fine, I'm eighty percent sure!" Shawn amended. "Now help me!"

His captors began to back up again but Gus and the Doctor sprang into action. Ignoring the woman with the gun, they wrestled the man who had Shawn in a strangle-hold to the ground.

\----

"I told you," Shawn said half an hour later once the five-some had found someplace to sit down. "Never doubt me on these things."

"We didn't," Gus pointed out. "That's why you're still with us."

"But how did you know?" the woman, Cheen, wondered, awed.

"I'm a psychic," Shawn said automatically. Gus stepped on his foot. "Ow!"

"Now, why don't you tell us why you were trying to kidnap my friend," the Doctor said. It sounded like a question but it really wasn't. "And what did you mean by 'we just need three'?"

The man, Milo, glanced at Cheen before he began. "Last week my wife found out that she was pregnant. We've lived in Pharmacy Town all our lives but it's no place to raise a child. Everyone says that the air in Brooklyn's so much cleaner."

"How very touching," Shawn deadpanned. "Can we skip to the part where you tried to kidnap me?"

"In order to gain access to the fast lane," Cheen explained. "It's a carpooling incentive."

"And you couldn't just lie because…?" Gus asked them.

"Everyone says that if you lie about these things then giant crab monsters will eat your car," Cheen said matter-of-factly.

"We don't believe it, of course," Milo said hastily at the look on their faces. "But still, why risk it?"

"Why risk kidnapping Shawn at all?" the Doctor demanded. "If this New York is anything like the one I know, Brooklyn's hardly far enough away from here to justify a felony in order to save a little time."

"It's only ten miles," Milo informed him. "And we were going to drop you back off once we got there."

"Then why did you feel the need to attempt to kidnap me?" Shawn pressed. "How long could that possibly take?"

The couple exchanged a look.

"Give or take…six years," Milo said finally.

"Just in time for him to be starting school," Cheen said wistfully.

"And I thought LA traffic was bad," Gus muttered.

"So even though it would have taken six years to get there, you'd still be willing to go back just to drop Shawn off even though that would have been another twelve years round-trip?" the Doctor asked incredulously.

"You know, we actually hadn't thought about that," Cheen admitted. "But the minute we had, we probably would have just tried to arrange for someone else to take…Shawn, was it, back."

"You are both horrible, stupid people and I severely dislike you," Shawn declared. Gus stepped on his foot again. "What? They were trying to kidnap me for six years."

"And you don't think there's anything…wrong with the fact that it takes so long to get anywhere?" the Doctor asked them.

"Not really," Milo said easily. "It's always been like that. Or at least for the last twenty-three years."

"They say it's not like that on the surface," Shawn reminded them. "So why is it so bad down here? Why don't more people go up to the surface?"

"We can't," Milo explained. "The motorways completely enclosed. There's no communicating with the outside world, either."

"Is it just me or does it sound like I was totally right?" Shawn asked brightly. "And look, a talking cat! This day is really looking up."

The others looked in the direction Shawn was pointing to see a Catkind dressed all in blue coming towards them. "Doctor, you need to come with me."

"Do I know you?" the Doctor asked curiously.

"You haven't aged at all," she marveled. "Time has been less kind to me."

"Novice Hame!" the Doctor gasped in sudden recognition before pulling her into a quick hug and then abruptly pushing her away. "No, hold on, get off. Last time we met, you were breeding humans for experimentation."

"And he took us to meet these talking cats?" Shawn asked, shaking his head.

"I've sought forgiveness, Doctor, for so many years, under his guidance. And if you come with me, I might finally be able to redeem myself," Hame said imploringly.

"Is it just me or does that sound slightly cultish?" Gus asked nervously.

"We'd be happy to go with you," the Doctor told her.

"What about us?" Milo demanded, standing up. "We still need an extra passenger!"

"Tough," Shawn said shortly.

Still, the Doctor hesitated. "Will you be able to tell me anything about the situation down here? It sounds like a right mess."

Hame nodded eagerly. "Oh, yes. Trust me, I can tell you all about it and I plan on doing that."

"Off we go then," the Doctor announced, waving goodbye to the would-be kidnappers. "Don't try to attack anybody else while we're gone!"

\----

"Where are we?" the Doctor asked curiously.

"High above in the over-city," Hame responded. "The senate of New New York."

"Where is everybody?" Gus asked. "This place feels like a ghost-town."

"I hate to break it to you but I think that might be because everybody's dead, Dave," Shawn said, gesturing behind them.

Hame adjusted the device on her wrist and a light shown down on them, illuminating the room. It appeared that the senate had been in session when everyone had suddenly died.

"No one even moved them," Gus said, appalled. "They must have been there for ages in order for them to just be bones!"

"It's been twenty-four years now," Hame explained. "I suppose that I could have moved them but there didn't seem much point, all things considering."

"Twenty-four years?" Shawn asked, surprised. "How long has it been since the Doctor was last here?"

"Three decades now," Hame answered.

" 'All things considering'," the Doctor repeated. "You mean…how many people are like this? How many died?"

"Everyone," Hame said solemnly. "Everyone not on the motorway."

"How?" the Doctor asked simply.

"There was a new chemical. A new mood. They called it Bliss," Hame explained. "Everyone tried it. They couldn't stop."

"Sounds like a drug to me," Shawn opined. "Can't say I approve of the name, though. Everyone tried it? That's one hell of a drug culture. What happened to 'just say no'?"

"A virus mutated inside the compound and became airborne," Hame continued. "Everything perished — even the virus, in the end."

"But virus' can't be killed," Gus objected.

Hame shrugged. "Became inactive, then. The virus has long-since stopped being a threat, at any rate. But it killed the world in seven minutes flat. There was just enough time to close down the walkways and the flyovers, sealing off the under-city. Those people on the motorway aren't lost, Doctor. They were saved."

"They weren't using Bliss?" the Doctor asked.

"They were," Hame replied, "but we stopped its production and Bliss hadn't mutated down there yet."

"So the whole thing down there is running on automatic," the Doctor realized.

"There's not enough power to get them out. We did all we could to stop the system from choking," Hame said apologetically.

"We. Who is we?" the Doctor inquired. "And how did you survive? Were you immune?"

Hame shook her head. "He protected me but he couldn't save anyone else. And he has waited for you these last thirty years, waited to finish a conversation."

"That's some patience," Gus remarked.

{Doctor.}

The Doctor started and then ran towards the sound. "The Face of Boe!"

Shawn and Gus followed to see a giant head floating in some sort of a tank and Shawn discretely snapped a picture.

{I knew you would come. If nothing else, the TARDIS would take you back here eventually,} the Face of Boe reasoned.

"Back in the old days, I was made his nurse, as penance for my sins," Hame told them.

Gus snorted. "Some penance."

"Old friend, what happened to you?" the Doctor said, looking upset.

"Didn't he say they'd only met once before?" Shawn asked quietly.

{Failing,} Boe said wearily.

Hame elaborated. "He protected me from the virus by shrouding me in his smoke. But with no one to maintain it, the City's power died. The under-city would have fallen into the sea."

"So he saved them," the Doctor realized.

"The Face of Boe wired himself into the mainframe. He's giving his life force just to keep things running," Hame said sadly.

"Why didn't you try to get anyone else to help you? You don't have to do this alone," Gus told her.

"The last act of the Senate was to declare New Earth unsafe. The automatic quarantine lasts for one hundred years," Hame replied.

Shawn groaned. "Politicians. When they're not being useless you wish that they were."

{Save them, Doctor. Save them,} Boe implored.

\----

A few hours later, Shawn and Gus were playing cards – Shawn was cheating – while the Doctor tried to save the people on the motorway.

"Shawn, Gus, it's over," the Doctor called finally. "Come say goodbye to Boe with me."

{I'm dying,} Boe informed them once they got close enough to see him. He was no longer in the tank but lying out in the open. He looked really weak.

"Don't say that!" the Doctor urged him. "You'll be fine. You were last time."

{This is different.}

"But we never did finish that conversation," the Doctor protested.

{We have time now.}

"The legend says that the Face of Boe will speak his final secrets to a traveler," Hame informed Shawn and Gus.

"Does this mean it's our fault that he's dying?" Shawn wondered.

Gus elbowed him. "Of course not!"

{I have seen so much. Perhaps too much. I am the last of my kind — as you are the last of yours. It's enough.}

"No! We have to survive. Both of us," the Doctor said desperately.

{When you're my age, maybe you'll understand,} Boe said indulgently. {I've thought about what I wanted to say to you, you know, after all these years. There is so very much but you won't understand and I was warned about 'spoilers.'}

"What do you want to tell me?" the Doctor practically whispered.

{You are not alone.}

\----

"I'm just saying, that was pretty cryptic," Shawn complained as they made their way back to the target. "I mean 'you are not alone'? What does that even me? It can't just be some inspirational message or else why would he be so desperate to deliver it?"

"Maybe he knows that the Doctor's due for a mental breakdown and needs all the support he can get," Gus suggested.

"Hey!" the Doctor objected.

"I said 'maybe'," Gus pointed out. "Besides, you never know and he would. He might have just been trying to be thoughtful."

" 'You are not alone,'" Shawn repeated. "Maybe there's another Time Lord out there."

The Doctor shook his head. "Can't be. I'd feel it."

"Like…you would know in your heart or there is literally a way for you to tell if there are other members of your species nearby?" Shawn asked.

"The latter," the Doctor replied. "So the only way that there could possibly be another Time Lord alive was if they weren't a Time Lord."

"Come again?" Gus asked.

"There's this technology that allows Time Lords to become humanoid," the Doctor explained. "We went with humanoids since we already look so similar physically so there would be less to do. It physically transforms us so it would allow a Time Lord to survive but they wouldn't be able to retain any of their memories until they triggered their transformation back – which, given the amnesia, would be difficult – so it wouldn't do much good and I couldn't find them anyway. They might even die a human."

Shawn shuddered. "That sounds terrifying."

"I've always thought it might be fun, actually," the Doctor said wistfully. "Never quite got the chance, though. Listen, the Face of Boe is probably wrong. There is nobody else. There can't be."

Shawn rolled his eyes. "He's five billion years old. I'm sure that if he told you there's someone else somewhere during his lifespan then somehow there is someone else. This is far more likely to be a warning than a prophecy."

"Maybe it's an acronym," Gus suggested. "You are not alone. YANA."

"What does YANA mean?" the Doctor wondered. "Well…besides you are not alone."

"I don't know but if I ever meet anyone named Yana I will be on my guard," Shawn declared.

"Sounds good," the Doctor told them. "Now, if that's all-"

"It's not," Gus and Shawn said in unison.

"Doctor, you never actually told us that your entire race was dead," Gus began.

"Even though I totally figured it out," Shawn added.

"You did not, that was just one of your theories," Gus corrected.

"I was mostly positive about it," Shawn insisted. "But enough about that, let's talk about the Doctor practically lying to us."

Gus nodded. "It's really not good to bottle things up like that and you're already not talking about your ex."

"Rose?" the Doctor asked.

Shawn nodded. "Yep. Her. So we figured you should probably talk about at least one of them. Pick."

The Doctor considered this carefully. "There was a war. A Time War. The last Great Time War…"


	5. Daleks in Manhattan Part One

After the Doctor was done baring his soul and they were all safely back in the TARDIS, Shawn and Gus had another silent argument. This time, Shawn lost.

"So Doctor, we've been thinking," he said slowly.

The Doctor looked up from where he was tinkering with the TARDIS controls. "Oh, this should be good."

"We want to see America," Shawn announced.

"I just took you to New New York, remember?" the Doctor asked rhetorically.

"Yes, well we don't feel that that really counts," Gus stepped in. "After all, it was on a whole different planet."

"And you already took us to freaking England but not our homeland," Shawn complained.

"Seriously, what is it with you and your rampant British hatred?" the Doctor demanded.

Shawn shrugged. "I don't know; what's with your blatant refusal to take us on a nice American adventure?"

"I'm not refusing to do anything!" the Doctor protested. "We've been on two trips."

"Technically, it's just one super-long trip that won't be complete until you take us to the real America and not one of the new ones," Gus informed him.

The Doctor tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Well…there is one place I'm in the mood for. New New York always makes me think of it and I suppose it wouldn't hurt to round out our trip by taking you to a place you might be more familiar with."

Shawn and Gus exchanged a triumphant fist-bump.

"But," the Doctor added firmly, "after that I am taking you two home, understand? I prefer traveling alone."

"That is absolutely the impression that we've got," Shawn said, somehow managing to keep a straight face.

"Hold on tight," the Doctor advised them as he started pressing the buttons and pulling the levers that would take them to somewhere in America.

"Shawn, I think we're running out of excuses to take keep extending this 'one trip'," Gus whispered.

"How lame is that? It only got us two extra trips," Shawn groused. "Still, I don't think he'll really send us home. He likes having us around or he wouldn't let us keep extending them."

"But he did combine our initial two-trip plan of a different planet and the future into one trip," Gus pointed out.

"So maybe he's a bit ambisinistrous about having us along," Shawn admitted.

"That's 'ambivalent', Shawn," Gus corrected him. "Ambisinistrous is when you're equally clumsy with both hands."

Shawn shrugged, unconcerned. "I've heard it both ways."

"Come one," the Doctor beckoned them, looking excited. "I absolutely love this city. Not as much as I love anything in Britain, of course, but that just goes without saying."

"And yet you said it anyway," Shawn noted. "Are we going to have some sort of a nationalistic rivalry? You're not even British."

"My accent says otherwise," the Doctor said cheerfully. He opened the TARDIS door. "Guests on their last trip first."

"Okay, so maybe we should start brainstorming," Shawn conceded quietly as they stepped outside.

"Where are we?" Gus asked, looking around eagerly.

The Doctor beamed. "Ah, smell that Atlantic breeze. Nice and cold. Lovely. Shawn, Gus, have you met my friend?"

They turned to see where the Doctor was looking.

"Is that the Statue of Liberty?" Gus asked, awed.

Shawn nodded. "I was actually a Statue of Liberty tour guide for about three months once. Of course, I got fired because they didn't approve of some of the pictures I was taking with her but I maintain that it was absolutely worth it."

"Do I even want to know?" the Doctor asked, a bit uncertainly.

"Probably not," Gus replied. "I mean, I don't even know but you usually don't want to where Shawn's concerned."

"Don't worry, buddy, I know that you have a set limit of what you can take before your head explodes," Shawn remarked.

\----

"Or my head," the Doctor mused. "The Statue of Liberty has always meant a lot to me. 'Give me you tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to break free…' It's such a lovely thought."

"It's also a little bit outdated," Shawn told them. "I mean, nowadays they're talking about building a fence to keep out all of those poor, huddled masses yearning to break free from Mexico."

"They won't actually do that," Gus scoffed. He frowned. "Will they?"

The Doctor shrugged. "Would you believe I actually don't know? I don't really keep up with America's immigration policy."

"Even before then, they had quotas," Shawn continued. "Do you know they actually turned away people trying to escape the Nazis? And whenever there was an influx due to a potato famine or violent upheaval in a country, only so many were let in."

"The Irish potato famine was in the 1840s and 1850s and the Statue of Liberty wasn't sent over until 1886," the Doctor announced.

"Those words still sound like wishful thinking," Shawn argued. "America has never wanted the poverty-stricken of other countries. I don't think any country has ever wanted the poorest of the poor to be the ones moving in."

"They got rid of nationality-based quotas in 1965 and now they allow 700,000 people to immigrate to the United States every year," Gus pointed out. "It's not like that's a small number."

"But becoming a citizen is a nightmare," Shawn countered.

"So I take it you're not really an idealist," the Doctor said to Shawn. It wasn't really a question.

Shawn snorted. "Growing up in my house? I'm lucky my Dad let me go on believing in Santa Claus for as long as he did and that's probably only because Mom put her foot down."

"Well unlike Shawn, I've actually lived a fairly sane life – unless Shawn's around, of course – and so my travel history is far less extensive than his," Gus declared. "I've always wanted to see New York. The real New York, not just one of those knockoffs that they can't think of a better name for. The city so nice they named it twice."

"Mind you, it was New Amsterdam originally," the Doctor was quick to inform them. "Harder to say twice. No wonder it didn't catch on."

"So even the name 'New York' was a knockoff?" Shawn asked, surprised. "How ever people managed to name things back when they couldn't just steal a place that already existed and slap a 'New' on it is beyond me."

"True," the Doctor agreed. "But I guess one new is better than fifteen. You really have to wonder how people can honestly decide that putting fifteen 'news' in the name is a good idea."

"Hey, what year is this, anyway? The Empire State Building isn't finished," Shawn remarked. He looked pointedly at Gus.

"What?" Gus asked defensively. "It's not like I've extensively studied the history of New York."

"Wow," Shawn said, laughing. "Just…wow."

"What?" the Doctor asked him.

"I'm just surprised there's a useless fact Gus doesn't know," Shawn explained. "According to that newspaper over there on that bench, it's November 1st, 1930. The Empire State Building was built during the Great Depression? That seems a bit wasteful."

Gus went to go retrieve the Newspaper. "On the other hand, it would create jobs. Roosevelt wasn't sworn in yet but I'm sure they at least made an effort."

"It looks like it's a good thing we showed up when we did," the Doctor said, looking over Gus' shoulder.

" 'Hooverville Mystery Deepens,'" Shawn read. "Does anybody care to explain what Hooverville is? Oh come on, Gus, don't even pretend you don't know."

Gus pointedly refused to look at him.

"Herbert Hoover was the 31st President of the United States," the Doctor explained. "He came to power nearly two years ago and the economy collapsed. Everyone blamed him and so they started calling the shanty towns built by the homeless Hooverville. In New York, Hooverville is in Central Park. Needless to say, Hoover only carried six states in the 1932 election."

"And yet you said it anyway again," Shawn remarked.

When the trio arrived in Hooverville, they saw a fistfight going on which was hardly the most auspicious of starts. A man in a faded trench coat came out to stop them. One man claimed the other had stolen his bread and, though it was true, he split the bread in half and gave each man part of it.

"How very King Solomon," Gus murmured.

"No stealin' and no fightin'. You know the rules," the man insisted. "Thirteen years ago I fought in the Great War. A lot of us did. And the only reason we got through was because we stuck together! No matter how bad things get, we still act like human beings. It's all we got."

Shawn furrowed his brow. "The Great War…?"

"World War I," Gus told him. "It was also called the war to end all wars but look how well that turned out."

The crowd dispersed and the Doctor went up to the man. "I suppose that makes you the boss around here."

The man acknowledged that with a quick nod. "I'm Solomon. And, uh, who might you be?"

"Very King Solomon," Gus muttered.

"He's the Doctor," Shawn introduced. "I'm Shawn Spencer and this is my partner, Tom Joad."

"Grapes of Wrath?" Gus asked quietly. "Really?"

"Look, it was either that or George and Lennie and I know how you feel about them," Shawn replied.

"A doctor?" Solomon scoffed. "Well, we got, uh, stockbrokers, we got a lawyer, but you're the first doctor. Neighborhood gets classier by the day."

"Oh, we're not planning on staying," Gus assured him. "We just heard about the disappearances and we'd like to help."

"Really," Solomon said disbelievingly. "Well, that would be a first. But since you are 'here to help' then I'd like to know something. You're a man of learning, right, Doctor? Tell me, how come they can afford to build the biggest building in the world while we've got people starving in the street?"

"Oh, I can answer that," Shawn told him. "It's because making the tallest building in the world is a giant ego trip and nobody cares about poor people."

Gus hit him. "Shawn!"

"What?" Shawn asked defensively. "They don't. Um, no offence."

"Look, is it true that people are disappearing?" the Doctor asked.

Solomon sighed heavily. "It's true, all right."

"But how can you even tell? People must be coming and going all the time," the Doctor pointed out. "No one stays here unless they have to and you can't expect everybody to both to say goodbye."

"That's what we thought at first, too, but it's not quite like that," Solomon claimed. "We hear cries in the night and when we try to investigate, the poor soul's gone. They leave behind their knife, blanket, whatever they've got. They leave their bread uneaten and their fire still going. People who have things don't often leave that much behind and those with nothing certainly don't. You saw what just happened over one loaf of bread. So many people wouldn't leave so much behind. They can't afford to. They might starve as it is, even without abandoning their few possessions."

"Have you tried going to the police?" Gus asked.

Shawn snorted. "Please, Gus. The police? Why is that always your answer to everything? It's like you're trying to put us out of business."

"Psych doesn't exist in 1930 or in New York," Gus reminded him. "And when people routinely go missing, the police is really the only sensible course of action."

"Oh, we tried that," Solomon said bitterly. "But another deadbeat goes missing and no one cares. I'm actually a little surprised it made the papers. Must be a slow news week."

Shawn nodded. "Nobody cares about poor people."

"Will you stop saying that?" Gus demanded.

"If I stop saying it it won't make it any less true," Shawn protested.

"That's still no reason to rub his face in it!" Gus insisted.

Solomon laughed harshly. "Oh, every damn day rubs my face in that fact well enough. It doesn't matter what he says."

"So we've got to figure out who is taking these people and what for," the Doctor said thoughtfully. "Please don't let it be Cybermen again. I am really not in the mood to deal with Cybermen again."

Before anyone could ask what in the world was a Cyberman, a young man came running up to them. "Solomon, Mr. Diagoras is here," he said in a thickly accented voice.

"Who's that?" Shawn asked blankly.

"He's the man in charge of construction for the Empire State Building," Solomon explained. "He sometimes comes down here for workers. Best go see what he wants."

Mr. Diagoras was a smug-looking man in a smart hat and business suit flanked by two equally smug-looking and sharp-dressed men. "I need men. Volunteers. I got a little work for you and you sure look like you can use the money."

"I officially hate this man," Shawn declared.

"What makes you say that?" Gus asked.

"Trust me, when you've had as many employers as I have, you start to be able to tell these things. Going to work for him would be a horrible idea," Shawn said authoritatively. "He's condescending and can't be bothered to make an effort to pretend not to be. Plus, do they even have laws protecting employees at this point in time?"

"I think so," the Doctor replied. "But during the Depression, is anyone really going to enforce them?"

The man who had alerted them to Diagoras' presence had no similar qualms, probably because unlike them he actually desperately needed the money. "Yeah. What is the money?"

"A dollar a day," came the almost bored response.

"A dollar a day?" Shawn repeated incredulously. "Please, I wouldn't work for a dollar an hour."

"You have to remember to adjust for inflation," the Doctor reminded him. "I'm no expert but I think a 1930s dollar would be worth approximately…$11.73 in 2007."

" 'Approximately'," Gus repeated, shaking his head.

"Approximately," the Doctor agreed.

"I would do $11.73 an hour," Shawn conceded. "But certainly not per day."

Solomon nodded his head. "I agree. A dollar a day's slave wages. What's the work, anyway?"

"A little trip down the sewers. Got a tunnel that collapsed needs clearing and fixing," Diagoras said vaguely. "Any takers?"

"Men don't always come back, do they?" Solomon asked pointedly.

Diagoras shrugged. "Accidents happen."

"Accidents happen?" Gus couldn't believe it. "You really expect people to risk their lives on something that's known to produce a lot of casualties for only a dollar a day and no compensation for injuries suffered or death because 'accidents happen'?"

"What are you, a union man? Look, do you want the work or not?" Diagoras asked, annoyed.

"Absolutely," the Doctor said smoothly, raising his hand.

"Just so you know, if I get eaten by a giant alligator, I am going to kill you," Gus warned as he raised his hand as well.

\----

"Turn left. Go about half a mile. Follow Tunnel 273. Fall's right ahead of you. You can't miss it," Diagoras instructed at the entrance to the sewer.

"And when do we get our dollar?" one of the others, Frank, asked.

"When you come back up," Diagoras said easily.

"Are we really supposed to think that you'll remember us?" Gus demanded.

Diagoras snorted. "Trust me, kid. I'll remember you."

Gus made a face. 'Kid', he mouthed.

"And if we don't come back up?" the Doctor inquired almost casually.

"Then I got no one to pay," Diagoras said indifferently.

"We'll be back," Solomon said firmly.

"That's just what we need right now," Shawn said thoughtfully as he and the others started to walk off. The Doctor was busy engaging in an impromptu staring contest with Diagoras but that couldn't last forever. "A terminator. Of course, an Austrian accent would do wonders for my confidence in this operation but you can't have everything, I guess."

"What's a terminator?" Frank asked curiously.

"What's a terminator?" Shawn laughed. "Only an unstoppable killing machine. You could think of him like Superman, I guess. I mean, they don't really have that much in common but it will have to do."

"And Superman is…?" Frank prompted.

Shawn covered his eyes. "We have nothing in common."

"So this Diagoras bloke, who is he then?" the Doctor asked as he caught up to them.

"A couple of months ago, he was just another foreman. Now it seems like he's running most of Manhattan," Solomon explained.

"How did he manage that, then?" the Doctor inquired.

"Alien witches?" Shawn offered.

Gus glared. "Don't even joke about that."

"These are strange times. A man can go from being King of the Hill to the lowest of the low overnight. It's just for some folks it works the other way 'round," Solomon said with a shrug.

"Especially if he never pays anyone because they all die," Gus said disgustedly.

"I don't know. Doesn't anybody notice nobody ever comes back from his jobs?" Shawn inquired. "And if he has so many people from jobs, why kidnap people from Hooverville? Why not pick off people in a more isolated area?"

"People with money can get away with anything these days," Solomon said ruefully. "And that Diagoras, whatever else he is, has quite a bit of money."

"Woah," the Doctor said suddenly, holding up a hand to stop Solomon from moving forward.

"It looks like one of those jellyfish from SpongeBob," Shawn opined, peering intently at it. "Except, you know, all bright green and radioactive."

"Is it radioactive?" the Doctor asked idly as he picked it up and put it up to his face so he could smell it.

"Why would you do that?" Gus asked, horrified. "Do you have any idea where it's been or what it is or how radioactive it is?"

"I have a much higher tolerance for radiation than you people do," the Doctor explained. "Mind you, it's not absolute but if you lot will be fine being near it then I should be fine touching it. And if not then we're all in trouble anyway."

" 'You people'?" Shawn repeated. "I feel so stereotyped."

"Oh, you know what I mean," the Doctor said distractedly. "Shine your torch through it."

"My what? I don't have a torch," Gus said, confused.

"The light," the Doctor clarified.

"Oh, my flashlight," Gus said before doing as he'd been asked. "So flashlights are called torches in Britain, huh? You learn something new every day."

"Yes," Solomon agreed. "Like there's green slime creatures down in the sewers. That seemed like the slightly more relevant part of what I found here."

"Composite organic matter," the Doctor mused. "We must be at least half a mile in and I don't see any sign of a collapse, do you? So why did Mr. Diagoras send us down here?"

"He's behind the disappearances and is trying to make us disappear, too?" Gus guessed, looking faint. "This is all your fault, Shawn."

"My fault?" Shawn protested. "You're the one who volunteered after the Doctor did. I'm the one who really doesn't think the money's worth it and was dragged along against my will."

"You did it for a pineapple," Gus pointed out.

"You have your story, I'll have mine," Shawn said, crossing his arms.

"Where are we?" Frank wondered.

"Well…we're still right underneath Manhattan," the Doctor informed them. "Shocking, I know. I wish I could be more specific but the sewers all look the same."

"I wonder if we'll run into the Penguin down here," Shawn said, looking around.

"The who?" Frank asked.

Shawn closed his eyes. "Seriously, don't even talk to me."

\----

"We're way beyond half a mile. There's no collapse, nothing," Solomon noted as they continued to walk along. He sounded worried.

"So why did Diagoras want people to come down here?" Frank asked.

"Maybe he's some kind of serial murderer and figured no one would care about a few missing vagrants," Gus said, his eyes darting around the tunnels.

Solomon snorted. "He was right."

"Solomon, I think it's time you took these three back. I'll be much quicker on my own," the Doctor told him.

"Good idea," Gus agreed. "Come on, time's awasting."

" 'Time's awasting'?" Shawn repeated.

"What, now you're going to pretend not to know me, too?" Gus asked, rolling his eyes.

"I'm considering it," Shawn said honestly.

A squeal filled the air.

"What the hell was that?" Solomon asked, shining his flashlight in the direction it had come from.

"It sounded like a pig," Shawn answered. "Although why anyone would have one of those down here is beyond me."

Gus stared at him. "And how do you know that?"

"I worked on a farm once for six weeks back when I was perfecting my Lennie impression," Shawn explained.

"What if it's one of the folk gone missing? You'd be scared, half-mad down here on your own," Frank told them.

"Yes but even when Gus is scared he doesn't sound like a pig," Shawn argued.

"Do you think they're still alive?" the Doctor asked, sounding dubious.

"Heck, we ain't seen no bodies down here. Maybe they just got lost," Frank said naively.

"Or maybe their killer cut them up into little bitty pieces," Gus suggested, shivering.

"Or maybe there really is an alligator down here," Shawn added.

Gus glared at him. "Not helping, Shawn."

"What?" Shawn asked innocently. "You were the one talking about cutting people up."

"It could be a Sweeney Todd situation," the Doctor remarked. "The price of meat can't be cheap and he could not only make a fortune but make a dent in all the poverty-ridden."

Solomon and Frank quickly backed up.

"I didn't say I thought it was a good idea!" the Doctor said hastily. "It's just a play."

"I will never understand high culture," Frank said, shaking his head.

"There are many, many things you will never understand," Shawn told him.

"It's not his fault you're making reverences from post-1930," Gus claimed.

"That may be so but it is still annoying," Shawn said firmly.

"Hey, I think I see one of them," Solomon said, shining his flashlight on a huddling figure in a corner. The figure appeared to be a man with the face of a pig-human hybrid.

"Oh, what are you?" the Doctor asked, intrigued.

"Is that some sort of carnival mask?" Solomon asked, obviously uncomfortable.

"If we say no will you start throwing rotten fruit at him and beating him?" Shawn asked rhetorically.

"Not in the Great Depression, they wouldn't," the Doctor said absently.

"Really, Shawn? A Disney reference?" Gus couldn't believe it.

"It just seemed to fit the situation best," Shawn defended. "Don't be elitist."

"Says the guy who won't let Frank talk to him for the high crime of living in 1930," Gus muttered.

"I'm sorry," the Doctor said sincerely even though this was not in any way his fault. "Now listen to me. I promise I can help. Now, who did this to you?"

"Doctor, while I'm sure we'd all like an answer to that, I think more of those things are closing in on us," Solomon told him. "We have to get out of here."

"Good idea," the Doctor said. "Now, all of you: come with me if you want to live."

"Terminator!" Shawn cheered as they took off running.

"Where are we going?" Gus cried out.

"This way," the Doctor said, turning right. "I see a ladder!" He quickly climbed the ladder and used his sonic screwdriver on the lid. Shawn, Gus, and Frank followed him up but as Solomon started to climb up the ladder, the pig men dragged him down with them.

"We have to go back for him!" Frank said immediately.

"I agree," Shawn said. "We did not lose the competent guy and get stuck with him."

"You know, usually it's only men who show an interest in Juliet you get this way around," Gus mused. "And I think going after him is a terrible idea. There are so many more of them than there are of us and none of us are armed. We won't be able to save him; we'll just share his fate."

"We can't just leave him," the Doctor agreed. He was about to put his foot back down into the tunnels when a blonde woman stepped out from the shadows.

"All right then, put 'em up," she said, holding a gun steady in her hands. "Hands in the air and no funny business."

The four immediately do as she said.

"Now tell me, you schmucks, what've you done with Lazlo?" she demanded.

"Please, nobody says 'schmucks' anymore," Shawn said dismissively.

"They do in 1930," Gus hissed. "And don't argue with a girl with a gun!"

"We would love to tell you," Frank told her, attempting a winning smile. "But…who's Lazlo?"

"Lazlo's my boyfriend, or was my boyfriend until two weeks ago. No letter, no good-bye, no nothin'. And I'm not stupid. I know some guys are just pigs but not my Lazlo. I mean, what kinda guy asks you to meet his mother before he vamooses?" the woman said, waving her gun around.

"Vamooses?" Shawn looked positively pained. "And I'm guessing that it would be the especially piggish sort. Of course, had he actually taken you to meet his mother and then done that then I'd think you had a point. Although…piggish sort…those pig people. The missing people. You think?"

"I'm not sure how they'd be doing it but it I could see that. They'd have to have a more technologically advanced backer, perhaps a time traveler or an alien. Or an alien time traveler," the Doctor mused.

"What are you two blathering on about?" the woman demanded.

"Maybe you should put the gun down," Gus said gently.

"Huh?" the woman looked surprised. "You mean this old thing. It's not real, you know, just a prop. Frankly it was either that or the spear and I thought this would make me look more intimidating. It takes strength to use a spear, you know."

Gus' eye twitched. "And you couldn't tell that that wasn't a gun?"

"Of course I could," Shawn replied. "Why do you think I felt secure enough to be bothered by her word choice?"

"And you didn't tell us because…?" Frank asked, looking irritated as well.

Shawn shrugged. "Wasn't really feeling it. Listen, who are you?"

"My name's Tallulah," Tallulah introduced.

"Lazlo and Tallulah," Shawn said, shaking his head. "There is no way anybody would really name their children that, even if it is eighty years ago."

"What are you people talking about?" Tallulah demanded. "And what did you mean by pig creatures?"

"We ran into these things that looked like people only with pig faces," Frank explained. "I guess they think your Lazlo might have been turned into one of them…somehow."

Tallulah stared at him. "…What?"

"Never mind, we'll figure it out," the Doctor told her. "Listen, I need to go back down there. It'll be dangerous but we need more information if we're ever going to find out what we're dealing with. If Lazlo is one of those pig creatures or if he's just down there at all then I'll find out for you. I promise."

"We'll stay here and keep Tallulah company," Gus volunteered.

Shawn turned around and indicated Gus do the same. "Do we have to?" he asked, making a face.

"What, you want to go back down there with all that radioactive slime and those pig creatures?" Gus asked incredulously.

"Well, no," Shawn admitted. "But I'm afraid that if we stay here then her voice will drive me to homicide."

Gus rolled his eyes. "You'll live."

Shawn nodded. "Oh, I know I will. I was really talking about her…"


	6. Daleks in Manhattan Part Two

Shawn and Gus weren't looking to go back to Hooverville and there didn't seem much else to do in 1930 so they waited in Tallulah's dressing room while she got ready for her performance that night.

Unfortunately, she seemed to mistake their sticking around as a genuine interest in her plight. "Lazlo…He's wait for me after the show, walk me home like I was a lady. He'd leave a flower for me on my dressing table. Every day, just a single rose."

"That is absolutely fascinating," Shawn told her, not really listening.

"Did you report him missing?" Gus asked her. "I mean, Lazlo had a job and everything so he wouldn't be just another vanished unemployed man."

"I tried to," Tallulah informed them. "But Lazlo's just a stagehand so nobody really cared. The guy they hired to replace him works for two pennies less than Lazlo did so they're probably glad to see him gone."

"I'm sorry, I still can't get past this," Shawn said, shaking his head. "His name was really Lazlo? His first name?"

Tallulah frowned at him. "Of course it was, to both questions. Why is that so strange?"

"Because nobody names their kid Lazlo. It just doesn't happen," Shawn insisted.

"Lazlo's mother did," Tallulah pointed out. "It's Hungarian, you know."

Shawn rolled his eyes. "Well you're not any better! Your name is Tallulah."

"Tallulah is a perfectly fine name!" Tallulah insisted. "Ever heard of Tallulah Bankhead?"

"I think that it is safe to say that I have not," Shawn replied. "But that whoever she is, it is not enough to make me concede that it isn't a bizarre name."

"Why am I letting you wait in here with me again?" Tallulah wondered aloud.

"Because our friend is currently searching desperately for your Lazlo," Gus quickly spoke up.

"Well stop making fun of my name," Tallulah ordered. "I don't like it."

"And I don't like-" Shawn started to say before Gus elbowed him in the ribs. "Never mind."

"How can you just go on tonight like nothing's wrong?" Gus asked her. "If it were me and anything happened to, say, Shawn I'd be a nervous wreck."

Tallulah shrugged, trying to look indifferent. "That's the way things work around here. I can't afford to take any time off or I'll be replaced. I only have this job because the person I replaced broke her ankle. I'm one month's rent away from Hooverville so it doesn't matter how upset I am about this, I have to keep going. Lazlo wouldn't want me to end up homeless."

"I guess we do have something in common," Shawn realized, surprised. "Though I haven't actually been kicked out of my apartment since moving back to Santa Barbara."

"You're from California?" Tallulah asked. "I hear it's nice out there."

"Best weather in the world," Shawn proudly agreed.

"So you two are into musical theater, huh?" Tallulah asked them knowingly.

Shawn snorted. "Me? Hardly. Gus is really into them and the Doctor seems to be, too."

Tallulah looked confused. "But I thought…well, it doesn't have to always be reciprocated. I just hope you and the Doctor can find happiness together."

"…Thank you," Gus said uncertainly.

Shawn started coughing in an effort to hide his laughter.

"Alright, what?" Gus demanded.

"Nothing," Shawn said innocently. "And 'into musical theater' is most certainly not a euphemism for 'gay'."

"What?" Gus cried. "I'm not gay, Tallulah, really. And neither is the Doctor."

"We think," Shawn corrected.

"Rose is not a guy's name, Shawn," Gus pointed out.

"It might be if he ever went to prison," Shawn argued.

"If you say so," Tallulah said skeptically. "I know a lot of folks would mind about that sort of stuff but not me. I've got too much to worry about just to get by to worry about how other folks are getting by."

"I appreciate that," Gus told her. "I think."

"All I know is that you've got to live in hope," Tallulah said idly, bending down to pick up a white rose on her dressing table. "There's no telling when things will get back to normal and everyone won't be starving but it can't last forever. Lazlo can't be gone forever. Cause look, on my dressing table every day still."

"Do you think it's Lazlo?" Gus asked, intrigued.

Tallulah shrugged. "Who else could it be? Who else would bother? But I keep asking myself, if it is him then why is he hiding from me?"

"You mean other than the fact that he's probably turned into a pig person?" Shawn asked rhetorically. "I've got to tell you, a lot of girls would find that a turnoff."

Tallulah looked disturbed by this.

"Hey," Gus said, trying to change the subject before she had to go on. "Where's Frank, anyway? The Doctor said he was going back to the sewers alone."

"Oh, I think he said something about going back to Hooverville to try to rally the homeless," Shawn replied with a short laugh. "Maybe it would have worked if it were Solomon but as it is…this should be good."

\----

"This show stinks," Shawn complained as they watched the performance from the wings. "I want a refund."

"We didn't actually pay to get in," Gus reminded him.

"Does that mean you don't think we can get our money back?" Shawn inquired.

Gus rolled his eyes. "In the Great Depression? No chance."

"I mean 'you put the devil in me'? Really?" Shawn couldn't believe it. "This must be a really cheap act."

"The crowd doesn't seem to mind," Gus pointed out, indicating the wildly applauding audience.

"Yeah, well they live in 1930 and, if Frank's any indication, have no culture," Shawn claimed. "Hey, what's that?"

Gus looked over to where Shawn was gesturing. "That looks like one of those pig-men."

"And he's staring at Tallulah. I bet it's what's-his-name," Shawn said. "Come on, let's go talk to him."

"You must be out of your mind if you think I'm going to run across the stage to chase after one of those pig mutants," Gus said stubbornly, crossing his arms and planting his feet firmly on the floor.

"Oh come on, it's probably just Lazlo," Shawn said, tugging on Gus' arm.

"So? We don't' know anything about him," Gus pointed out. "I'm not going anywhere until the Doctor comes back."

Shawn sighed. "Suit yourself." With that he raced out onto the stage and after the pig creature with no regard for the act he was interrupting.

Gus tried his best to keep watching the act – which more or less recovered from the interruption – and not worry about whatever his best friend had gotten himself into now. However dangerous it was, him chasing after Shawn would not have made it any better and Shawn wasn't about to be dissuaded.

After a few moments, the Doctor ran up to him looking thoroughly spooked which was hardly reassuring. "Where is he? Where's Shawn?"

"He saw one of those pig things watching the show and thought it might be Lazlo," Gus explained. "He chased after it. Is he in danger? What did you find?"

The Doctor was about to answer when they heard a shout. "BAD WILBUR!"

"Charlotte's Web? Really?" Gus asked automatically before realizing what happened. "Shawn!"

Gus and the Doctor ran off after the sound. They reached the sewer cover from earlier and the Doctor threw on his coat.

"They've taken him!"

"Who's taken him?" Gus demanded.

The Doctor didn't reply, just started climbing back down into the sewer.

"You're not going without me," Gus said firmly as he started down the ladder as well.

"No, no, no, no, no way. You're not coming," the Doctor said, his tone leaving no room for argument.

Gus glared at him. "The hell I'm not! That's my best friend kidnapped by mutant pig creatures, after all. There is nothing in this universe that could convince me not to come. Now are you going to tell me what's going on or am I going to have to walk into this blindly?"

The Doctor sighed. "But it's not safe-" he started to say before the look on Gus' face convince him he wouldn't be changing his mind. "Fine. I'll explain on the way."

\----

A pig creature pushed Shawn up against the wall. "I swear, I'm a vegetarian!"

He noticed a group of humans walk by in the custody of yet more of those pig creatures. One of them he even recognized.

"The competent one's still alive!" he exclaimed. "That's always a good sign."

"Shawn," Solomon greeted him. "I'd say that it's good to see you but under the circumstances let me just say that I'm sorry they got you, too."

A pig creature pushed him to keep moving and Shawn fell into step beside Solomon.

"How did they get you, too?" Solomon wanted to know.

Shawn coughed awkwardly. "Oh, you know. I saw a pig creature and raced after it only to be captured by more of them."

"That sounds like a damn stupid thing to do," Solomon said bluntly.

Shawn rolled his eyes. "You sound like Gus."

"Where is he? And Frank? And that Doctor of yours?" Solomon asked urgently.

"Gus was fine the last time I saw him," Shawn reported. "Well, I mean he was watching a really lousy live show but I suppose it beats this. Barely. Frank went back to Hooverville and the Doctor's investigating."

"I hope he doesn't get captured, too," Solomon said worriedly.

"He'll be fine," Shawn said, trying to stay positive. "And before there's any confusion…Gus, the Doctor, and I are not in any way 'into musical theater.'"

Solomon gave him an odd look. "Well I suppose that's why you didn't enjoy the show. Listen, you say Frank went back to Hooverville? I hope he doesn't do anything foolish."

Shawn thought about pointing out that the odds of Frank not doing something foolish seemed to be about on par with the odds of him actually getting one of Shawn's references but decided there was no need to depress the other man further. Instead, he asked, "So where are we going anyway?"

"I don't know," Solomon replied. "I just hope that we're not about to get front-row seats to the creature of those pig creatures."

Shawn groaned. Maybe he should have listened to Gus after all.

\----

"So you said you'd explain," Gus said pointedly.

The Doctor responded by putting his hand over Gus' mouth and yanking him backwards. Gus started to protest but quickly stopped as he could feel the Doctor trembling a little. Instead, he watched carefully as some sort of mechanical creature glided by.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no," the Doctor whispered once it had passed. He let go of Gus. "They survived. They always survive while I lose everything."

"What's going on?" Gus demanded. "What is that giant pepper shaker?"

The Doctor snorted. " 'Giant pepper shaker'? That giant pepper shaker was a Dalek, one of the – if not the – most evil creatures in existence. They're supposed to be dead but they never are. I wonder if they're too evil to be able to be fully eradicated."

Gus couldn't believe it. "Are…are you sure?"

"Positive," the Doctor assured him. "The Daleks may be helpless in their natural state but that's why they have that almost unbeatable body armor. The Daleks are bad news, Gus. They were the ones the Time Lords were fighting in the Time War."

"They look like they could be defeated by a set of stairs!" Gus objected. He had known that he'd heard the word Dalek before but somehow seeing them made it difficult to believe the stories. He remembered hearing about the Time War quite vividly. The stories were horrifying, Shawn kept making fun of the names of the horrors spawned by the war, and his sympathetic crying made an appearance.

"They used to be able to be," the Doctor confirmed. "And they used to be defeated by obstructing their vision. They got rid of that fault, too. Let me tell you, the first time I saw a Dalek hover after killing everyone but Rose and the unnamed worst companion ever…we thought they were safe. I guess the unnamed worst companion ever should have known better than to taunt it. It was only a miracle that Rose didn't die that day. We don't have the sort of weapons needed to stop them here."

"Why are they doing this? What do they want?" Gus demanded.

"If the Daleks are here then mark my words, they are behind the pig creatures," the Doctor declared. "I don't know why but I'm going to find out. As to what they want…the Daleks are a race of pure evil. They are creatures born to hate and whose only thought is destroy anything and everything that isn't Dalek. If they should ever succeed, they'd probably end up turning on each other. They live to kill."

"I can't believe that," Gus said, horrified.

"Believe it," the Doctor said grimly. "That Dalek I was mentioning earlier? Because Rose touched it, it gained a little of her humanity and it couldn't kill her. It decided it was tainted and committed suicide. I don't know how much contact with Rose changed it but I believe that if a Dalek were truly capable of thinking about its purpose and what it had done, using reason instead of hatred, it would go mad. They are a fanatical, genocidal species and they do not deserve your compassion."

"But how could a species be born evil?" Gus still didn't get it. "How is that possible?"

"The Daleks aren't an organic species," the Doctor explained. "They were created by an insane Kaled named Davros. The Kaleds were at war with Thal for a thousand years and the Kaleds were getting horribly mutated from the nuclear fallout. Davros experimented on them and claimed he was trying to save them. Of course, this is the man who I once asked what he would do if he had a virus that killed on contact and could destroy all other life forms."

"What did he say?" Gus asked, unsure if he really wanted to know.

"He said that of course he would," the Doctor replied. "He said that he wanted to be a god. He said he would get that power through the Daleks. That is the origin of the Daleks and that is what has Shawn now. Now do you see why I have to take you back?"

Gus' eyes flashed. "You tell me all of that and then expect me to go back to safety and leave Shawn at the mercy of those monsters?"

"That is what anyone sane would do," the Doctor agreed.

"Normally I'd agree with you and I'm going to kill Shawn for making me do otherwise but I can't just leave when they have him. I can't and I won't," Gus said firmly.

"I don't have time to argue with you," the Doctor said, exasperated.

"Then don't," Gus snapped. "Let's go find Shawn so we can get out of here and leave you to deal with your Daleks in peace."

"I-" the Doctor started to say before he stopped one of the pig-men. "Where's Shawn? What have you done with him?" It was clear that he didn't expect an answer.

"I didn't take her," the pig creature insisted. He looked more human than pig.

The Doctor drew back in surprise. "Can you remember your name?"

The creature nodded miserably. "Lazlo. My name is Lazlo."

Gus blinked. "Like Tallulah's Lazlo?"

Lazlo winced. "Yeah. I'm Tallulah's Lazlo."

"She's worried sick about what happened to you, you know," Gus told him. "Have you been leaving her those flowers?"

Lazlo nodded. "I knew it was dangerous but I couldn't help it. She's just so beautiful and so sweet…"

"What happened to you?" the Doctor asked him. "How did you turn into…this?"

"They made me a monster," Lazlo said angrily. "The masters."

"The Daleks," the Doctor clarified. "Why?"

"They needed slaves. They needed slaves to steal more people so they created us," Lazlo revealed. "Part animal, part human. I escaped before they got my mind, but it was still too late."

"What happened to Shawn?" Gus demanded.

"He saw me watching Tallulah. He followed me. I tried to lose him but I didn't manage it and the pig slaves got him," Lazlo replied.

"What's going to happen to him?" Gus pressed.

"It depends," Lazlo told him hesitantly. "If he's intelligent enough for them then they'll take him back to the laboratory. If not, they'll make him one of us. I don't know what they want the intelligent ones for, sorry."

"That'll be Shawn," Gus said grimly. "I suppose that gives us time."

"Where are they? Can you show me where they are?" the Doctor inquired urgently.

Lazlo hesitated. "They'll kill you."

"If I don't stop them, they'll kill everyone," the Doctor pointed out.

Lazlo seemed to deflate. "Very well. Follow me."

\----

"I almost wish that they'd just hurry up and do whatever it is they're going to do instead of making us wait in uncertainty," Solomon muttered.

"Almost?" Shawn repeated.

"Well, the way I see it they're probably either going to kill us or turn us into those things so waiting isn't the worst thing," Solomon replied.

"Something's got the guards on edge," Shawn noted. "And whatever it isn't can't be good for us."

"You don't think anyone's come to rescue us?" Solomon asked.

Shawn shook his head. "No. Well…maybe. But the pig creatures are expecting whoever this is."

A Dalek rolled into the room. "Silence. Silence."

"Is that…a giant pepper shaker?" Shawn asked incredulously.

The Doctor, Gus, and Lazlo were watching from not far away.

"See?" Gus whispered. "It's not just me."

"You will form a line. Move," the Dalek ordered.

"Just do what it says, everyone, okay? Just obey," Solomon instructed. "No need to antagonize anyone."

"The male is wise. Obey!" ordered the Dalek.

"Report," a second Dalek said as it appeared on the scene.

Shawn privately didn't think the first creature had been there long enough to report on anything but Solomon had a point about antagonizing them.

"These are strong specimens," the first Dalek declared. "They will help the Dalek cause."

Shawn recognized the name instantly and he froze. This was bad. This was very bad.

"What is the status of the Final Experiment?" the first Dalek asked.

"The Dalekanium is in place. The energy conductor is now complete," the second Dalek responded.

Terrified or not, Shawn decided that Dalekanium was still a really stupid name.

"Then I will extract prisoners for selection," the first Dalek declared.

As he began scanning the other captives, Shawn leaned over to Solomon. "The 'Final Experiment' sounds far too much like the 'Final Solution' for my tastes, particularly since from all I've heard the Daleks are a genocidal species."

"What's the Final Solution?" Solomon asked blankly.

"It's Hitler's plan to wipe out all the Jews in Europe," Shawn whispered back.

"I've never heard of him," Solomon told him frankly.

"You will," Shawn said grimly. "Assuming we survive."

It was Solomon's turn to be scanned.

"Intelligence scan. Initiate. Superior intelligence." The Dalek turned to Shawn. "Intelligence scan. Initiate. Superior intelligence. These two will become part of the Final Experiment."

"You can't just experiment on people! It's insane! It's inhuman!" Solomon shouted.

"We are not human. Prisoners of high intelligence will be taken to the transgenic laboratory," the Dalek said coldly. "Move out."

"Doctor, quickly, let's go," Lazlo urged him.

"I'm not going. I've got an idea. You go," the Doctor told him.

Lazlo shook his head. "What's left for me up there? If I can help you help these people then that's more than I thought I could do. Besides, I know more about them than you. You can remember the way, right?"

Gus threw his hands up in the air. "How many times do we have to go over this? As much as I would dearly love to leave the scene in a very manly manner, I can't as long as Shawn's down there. If you have a plan to save him then I'm coming with you."

The Doctor shook his head in irritation. "Why do I even try?" he muttered.

"I don't know but it's wasting time," Gus replied.

They moved ahead of the procession and when the Daleks passed, Gus and the Doctor fell in line beside Shawn.

"Just keep walking," the Doctor murmured.

"Normally people wait until they get captured by the bad guys before becoming prisoners," Shawn remarked. "But I guess your way could work, too."

" 'They'll be fine', huh?" Solomon asked sarcastically.

"It's good to see you, too, Shawn," the Doctor told him. "You can kiss me later. You too, Solomon."

Shawn coughed. "I thought we agreed that Gus would help with all the kiss-related savings?"

"Oh no we did not," Gus said firmly. "This is all your fault, anyway! Why did you have to go chasing after Lazlo?"

"So that was Lazlo?" Shawn looked pleased and being proven right. "If it hadn't been for me, you wouldn't have found them. You should thank me."

Gus snorted. "Yeah, maybe when we're no longer being held prisoners by genocidal maniacs."

" Report," one of the Daleks with them said as they entered a room with two more Daleks, one of which wasn't looking very good.

"Is that all they ever say?" Shawn asked, annoyed.

"Dalek Sec is in the final stage of evolution," another Dalek announced.

"Scan him. Prepare for birth," the first one ordered.

Gus blanched. "Is he pregnant?"

"I sure hope not," Solomon replied, nauseous.

"Evolution?" the Doctor asked, intrigued. He nudged Gus. "Ask them what that means?"

"Why me?" Gus demanded.

"They know what I look like," the Doctor explained. "And Shawn might provoke them."

Gus groaned. "What's the Final Experiment?"

"We are the only four Daleks so the species must evolve a life outside the shell. The Children of Skaro must walk again," one of the Daleks informed them, sounding almost pompous.

"But isn't their shell what makes them so deadly?" Gus asked uncertainly.

"Just because they might be able to survive without it doesn't mean they won't use it," Shawn pointed out.

"I have no idea what you guys are talking about and I think I prefer that," Solomon remarked.

The Dalek in the center of the room's shell powered down and the casing opened to reveal a monstrous creature with a head with a mouth, one eye, and tentacles. He was wearing the same suit Diagoras was wearing and his hands were almost claw-like.

"I am a human Dalek," the creature said slowly, ominously. "I am your future."

Gus promptly fainted.


	7. Evolution of the Daleks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that I'm skipping the only-Doctor parts but I figure that those will play out pretty much exactly the way they do in canon. I'm sorry for any confusion this causes for those not as familiar with the episodes.

That horrific creature in front of them didn't seem to notice. "These…humans will become like me," it said slowly as if it still weren't quite used to itself just yet.

Shawn barely noticed the Doctor slip away (presumably to save them and not to leave them to their fate or he'd have to concede that perhaps this wasn't the best idea after all) because he was too busy being horrified and yet strangely transfixed by the moving tentacles on the creatures face.

"What are you?" he burst out.

"I am a human Dalek," the thing said again. "I just said that."

"I know but…I think I'd almost rather not have a future than have a future like that," Shawn informed them, nearly gagging.

"You will come around," the thing said dismissively. "Prepare them for hybridization."

The pig-creatures started to advance on the group but before they could reach them, music started to play.

"What is that sound?" the thing asked uncertainly.

"I hate 30s music," Shawn complained.

" 'Happy Days Are Here Again' came out in 1929, Shawn," Gus corrected.

"Oh, now you're awake?" Shawn asked, shaking his head. "Get up. We might be in trouble here."

"That would be me," the Doctor announced, stepping into the Daleks' line of view. "Hello. Surprise. Boo. Et cetera."

"Doctor," the thing hissed.

"The enemy of the Daleks!" one of the real Daleks said, almost coming off as alarmed.

"Exterminate!" another one said.

"Wait!" the thing, who appeared to be in charge, ordered, holding up his hands.

That was how Shawn found out that the Doctor and the Daleks were long-time enemies but the Doctor was strangely not very put-out to see them. Shawn would have been put-out in his position. For that matter, Shawn was already put-out and quite creeped-out as well. The Daleks were part of some evil cult of scarring or whatever and the Doctor had apparently slaughtered great numbers of them. Time travel was also involved somehow but now it seemed that the Daleks were trapped.

The Doctor was far too interested in that horrible thing and for one disturbing moment Shawn actually thought he was going to touch those tentacles (which were seriously reminding him of this one Japanese comic book he had stumbled across one time in an old girlfriend's apartment. Needless to say, that relationship didn't last long). He also made time to taunt the Daleks which, given his claim that just four of them could conquer the universe and there were four of them, didn't seem like the best idea.

Then the Doctor somehow managed to identify the creature that had previously presumably looked identical to the others (well, the other three were identical. It was possible that the fourth had always looked mutated like that) as 'Dalek Sec' so it seemed these creatures could really use some help in that department. Considering the Doctor acted like the fact that Sec had a name at all or even a mind of his own was something unusual, perhaps that was to be expected. Of course, what did he expect from a cult?

Finally, the Doctor engaged in a philosophical debate about whether humans were Dalek-like or not – Shawn found himself siding with the Doctor if only to not be compared to those freaks – and then used his sonic screwdriver to annoy the Daleks while they all escaped.

All in all, it was kind of a weird encounter.

\----

"These Daleks, they sound like the stuff of nightmares," Solomon said once they'd finally gotten back to Hooverville that night.

"They look like the stuff of nightmares," Shawn piped up.

"And they want to breed?" Solomon continued, ignoring him.

"That is the stuff of nightmares," Gus declared.

"I agree," Solomon said. "We can't let that happen. That thing was…horrifying."

"Oh, I see how it is. Him you can talk to," Shawn complained. "I thought we'd been through so much together!"

"The Daleks are splicing themselves into human bodies. If I'm right, they've got a farm of breeding stock right here in Hooverville. We've got to get everyone out," the Doctor said urgently.

"Out where?" Solomon asked, frustrated. "Hooverville is the place a man goes when there is literally nowhere else to go! No one else will take us in."

"I know, Solomon, and for what it's worth, I'm sorry," the Doctor apologized. "But this is a matter of life and death here! You've got to scatter. Go anywhere, just get out of New York. The Daleks will find a new supply in time but by then hopefully I'll have managed to stop them."

"Maybe we can reason with these things," Solomon suggested hopefully.

Gus snorted. "I have had a lot of experience trying to reason with people who just won't be reasoned with," he nodded Shawn's way, "and it's my professional opinion that these Daleks cannot be reasoned with."

"Of course they can't," Shawn agreed. "I mean, what do they want? They want to create more of that Sec thing by using us and they seem to prize our worst traits so appealing to their compassion won't work."

"Not the three full Daleks but perhaps Sec could," the Doctor mused. "And if he can be convinced then the other Daleks might be persuaded that combining with humanity is not in their best interests as Daleks. Of course, then they might try to kill everybody in sight but they always do that anyway so…"

Gus elbowed him in the side. "Not helping. Besides, if we convince the other Daleks that Sec is weak then why would they keep listening to him? Surely the Daleks aren't big on personal loyalty?"

"The Doctor put forth a plan right there to reason with them," Solomon said stubbornly.

"No, he suggested going back to the plan where they kill us all," Shawn argued. "Look, the fact that the Daleks are likely all nuts aside, why would they listen to us? They want humans, we don't want them to take humans. How do we compromise? Let them take some of the humans? That's what they're doing here when they want the people of Hooverville."

"They could take other people," Solomon said. "I would feel terrible about that but those people aren't my responsibility and they have other people looking out for them. If I can't stop the Daleks then I at least don't want them going after the people under my protection."

A whistle cut through the night and one of the sentries ran through the camp alerting everyone to the fact that the pig-creatures were coming. Fortunately, Frank had somehow managed to convince everyone that they existed before they'd gotten back from meeting the Daleks.

Solomon called his men to take arms and to stand with them. Some of the residents did as he asked, others fled. The ones who fled ran straight into the pig-creatures.

"They can't take all of us!" Solomon shouted.

"They wouldn't have launched an attack if they didn't think they could," Shawn pointed out.

"Yeah, but these aren't exactly the geniuses of the galaxy," Gus countered. "If we can just hold out until morning…how far away is that?"

"Do I look like I carry a watch?" Shawn asked rhetorically. "And what good will morning bring? No one ever stops by Hooverville if they don't have to so they won't need to retreat."

"Look," the Doctor said grimly, pointing up at the sky. "The real threat."

It was one of the Daleks hovering right above them. It waited until the panicked people stopped shouting above the end of days and – strangely – witchcraft before it spoke. "The humans will surrender."

"Leave them alone! They've done nothing to you!" the Doctor shouted, mostly on principle since he had more than enough experience with the Daleks to know that that wasn't going to work.

To everyone's horror, Solomon stepped forward then.

"No, Solomon. Stay back," the Doctor ordered.

Solomon fixed him with a hard look. "Doctor, this is my township, you will respect my authority."

Shawn and Gus exchanged a look.

"What can I say?" Shawn said as he grabbed Solomon's arms and Gus put his handkerchief in Solomon's mouth. "I've always been a terrible guest."

"You really have," Gus agreed.

"I didn't need to hear that confirmed, buddy," Shawn said curtly. "Well, Doctor, how are you going to handle this?"

The Doctor nodded. "Right. Daleks, I know that you want these people. On the other hand, you can always get more people later and this is the best opportunity you might ever get to take me down. What do you say? Me in exchange for all these people?"

"What are you doing?" Shawn hissed. "What's to stop them from killing you and then taking everyone here?"

"Don't criticize the man when he's facing down psycho killer pepper-shaker aliens, Shawn," Gus rebuked.

"Extermin-" the Dalek started to say before stopping. "I do not understand. It is the Doctor. The urge to kill is too strong. I…obey."

"Are these Daleks schizophrenic or something?" Gus wondered aloud. "Because I'm honestly not sure if that would make them more terrifying or less so."

"You will follow," the Dalek ordered the Doctor.

Gus had seen that same look the Doctor was wearing on Shawn's face far too many times to leave any doubt as to its meaning. "You realize that they probably just want to torture you or dissect you before they kill you, right?"

"It doesn't matter, I'll be fine," the Doctor said dismissively. "I know you can't possibly realize what a big deal with is but…a Dalek changed his mind! Daleks never change their minds, it's quite annoying actually. This must be Dalek Sec's doing. Maybe I can get through to him after all."

"Remember what we talked about about how if you do get through to him the other Daleks won't be happy," Shawn cautioned.

"I'll cross that bridge when I come to it," the Doctor told them before turning back to the Dalek. "I'll follow you on one condition! Don't hurt any of the people here!"

"The humans will be spared," the Dalek said, sounding almost pained. "Doctor…follow."

The Doctor started to walk off but then stopped and turned back to Shawn and Gus. "What? No begging me not to go or offering to come with me? Not even any threats to steal my TARDIS if I take too long?"

Shawn shrugged. "It wouldn't do any good. You kind of have your heart set on going and if you don't then we'll all be killed. Besides, I have no idea how to work that thing."

"And we would go but, well, self-preservation instincts and whatnot," Gus said unapologetically.

The Doctor smiled and rolled his eyes before clasping Gus' free hand. "This has been one hell of an adventure."

\----

"I can't believe you did that," Solomon said angrily.

"Did what?" Shawn asked, yawning. "Saved your life? Because I can totally believe that Gus and I did that. We're pretty awesome that way."

"You don't know that," Solomon argued. "I might have been able to work something out with them and now they have your Doctor."

"You didn't need to do anything," Gus pointed out. "The Doctor worked something out and he really didn't seem opposed to going with them. He probably would have tried anyway."

"I still don't like having my authority undermined and having a stranger solving our problems," Solomon told them.

"We'd apologize but we're still convinced that we saved your life and if Hooverville needs you as much as we've been led to believe that you actually owe us an apology for being so nasty about us saving you," Shawn declared.

Solomon snorted. "Don't hold your breath."

They could hear footsteps approaching.

"Oh, there you are!" Tallulah beamed.

Shawn groaned.

"I was wondering if you had any luck finding Lazlo and I thought I heard you say something about spending time in Hooverville so I thought I'd drop by and see what's going on," Tallulah told them.

"We have good news and bad news," Gus told her in his best comforting voice.

"Tell me the bad news first," Tallulah requested, nervously wringing her hands.

"He's been physically mostly turned into one of those pig creatures but at least he's kept his mind," Gus told her.

"And the good news?" Tallulah asked, horrified.

"We found Lazlo," Gus told her. "In retrospect, I probably should have told you the good news first because hearing the bad makes the good obvious but…at least he said he still loves you?"

"Where is he?" Tallulah demanded.

"I don't know," Gus admitted. "I think he stayed behind when we fled the Daleks."

"What's a Dalek?" Tallulah asked blankly.

"Solomon, if you will?" Shawn asked pointedly. "My partner and I have to plan our next move."

Solomon gave them a dirty look but he obligingly drew Tallulah off to the side to explain the situation.

"What are we supposed to do now?" Gus demanded. "He gave me his psychic paper so clearly he expects something but I just don't know what."

"I say we treasure this memento forever and put it to good use back home," Shawn replied. "I mean, I'm not entirely sure how to get home but I'm sure we'll figure out how to work the TARDIS eventually."

Gus rolled his eyes. "Give it up. You can't keep the psychic paper."

"That's not what this is about," Shawn lied unconvincingly. "It's just that the Doctor nobly sacrificed himself for us and I think we should respect his wishes. There's nothing more annoying than heroically going off to your death and then having other people ruin it by following you there and stealing your thunder."

"Only if those other people die, too," Gus argued. "And we're not going to die; we're going to save him. When that happens, it's kind of awesome."

"Do you think that in his gratitude he'll let us keep the psychic paper?" Shawn wondered.

"Not happening," Gus said flatly.

"What if we say that we lost it?" Shawn tried again.

"Shawn!"

Shawn sighed. "Fine, fine. But how are we supposed to rescue him? We don't even know where he is. Wait…when those Daleks were holding me prisoner they said something about Dalek-blah-blah-blah and energy conductors. The Daleks needed energy conductors for something they're creating and they were working with Diagoras to do it. Maybe Solomon will have some sort of an idea. Hey, Solomon!"

Solomon, who was awkwardly trying to console a distraught Tallulah, looked up at them. "Oh, now you want to hear what I have to say.."

"That we do," Shawn agreed, completely ignoring his somewhat hostile tone.

"Do you know what Diagoras was working on? We think we might be able to find the Doctor if we know," Gus explained.

Solomon gestured towards the Empire State Building. "Mostly he was building that monstrosity that New York really can't afford as long as Hooverville is as big as it is."

"Right then. We're heading off to the Empire State Building," Shawn announced. "We might come back if we survive. No promises, though, so no need to just assume we're dead if we don't remember."

"I'm coming with you," Tallulah said determinedly. "If you really think that Lazlo's mixed up in all of this and there's a chance that I'll see him if I come with you then I have to go. Besides, you're going to need all the help we can get."

"I'm coming, too," Solomon said just as firmly. "I may get myself killed but it doesn't matter. These Daleks are after every one of the people who rely on me and what kind of leader would I be if I just sit this one out?"

"As long as you two understand the risks then I suppose that's alright," Gus agreed. "Do you think we should go find Frank and see if he wants to come?"

Shawn made a face. "Let's not and say we did."

\----

The quartet stepped out onto the top of the Empire State Building.

"Look at this pace. Top of the world," Tallulah said, sighing in awe.

Gus' eyes widened. "Shawn, don't!"

"I have no choice, buddy," Shawn said, sounding truly apologetic. He stepped closer to the edge and threw his arms out as he shouted, "I'm king of the world!"

"You two are really bizarre," Solomon said, shaking his head. "And given what we've been through in the last day or so, that's really saying something."

"Hey, how did we manage to get in here, anyway?" Tallulah wondered. "They just let us right in."

"So glad you asked that," Shawn said, pleased. He gestured to the psychic paper that Gus wouldn't let him touch for fear that he would never, ever give it back. "It's called psychic paper and it will let people see whatever you want them to see. For example, it showed some kind of credentials to let us in here."

"That sounds mighty useful," Solomon said thoughtfully.

"See? That's what I said!" Shawn exclaimed. "Gus doesn't think I should be trusted with it."

Gus snorted. "Please, Shawn. Anyone who has spent more than a few minutes with you knows what a bad idea that would be."

"I don't," Tallulah offered.

Shawn smiled at her, surprised. "Perhaps I misjudged you…"

"She has a boyfriend," Gus reminded Shawn before spotting the architectural plans for the building. "Oh, now this looks good. Come look at this."

"Look at the date," Solomon said, pointing to the bottom of the page. "These designs were issued today."

"The Daleks must have changed something at the last minute," Shawn realized. "This can't be good."

"You know, all this talk about the Daleks makes me kind of want to see what they look like," Tallulah told them.

Shawn shook his head. "No, trust me, you don't. It will make it impossible to really take them seriously ever again no matter how evil and genocidal the Doctor swears they are."

"You can't even describe them?" Tallulah inquired. "You can make them as threatening as you can."

"It's for your own good," Gus assured her. "If these plans were just changed then the previous design should be right underneath, assuming the Daleks didn't take them with them to prevent us from comparing the plans and seeing what's changed."

"Please, Gus. They look like…" Shawn trailed off as he glanced at the expectant Tallulah. "Well, suffice to say I really don't think they're bright enough to think of that or take us seriously enough to bother if they did."

Tallulah wondered over to the edge. "The height of this place! This is amazing!"

"It's going to be the tallest building in the world for forty-one years," Gus informed her.

"Good for us," Solomon said bitterly. "I'm sure it will fill us all with pride while we try not to freeze to death this winter."

"You know, you're a real downer," Shawn complained.

"New York City," Tallulah breathed. "If aliens had to come to Earth, no wonder they came here."

"Actually, I hear they usually attack London," Shawn corrected her.

\----

"I found it!" Gus exclaimed a little while later.

"What?" Shawn asked. He wasn't actually helping but was playing 'I Spy' with Tallulah in order to distract her from reminiscing about Lazlo. He actually felt this was helping quite a bit though Gus thought Solomon who was keeping watch was doing a bit more to aid them.

"There, on the mast. Those little lines? They're new," Gus told them once the pair went back over by him.

"What is it?" Tallulah asked.

"Dalekanium," Gus told her dramatically.

"I'm sorry, I don't even know what that is but I just can't take it seriously with a name like that," Shawn said, sighing.

The lift doors opened then and the Doctor stepped out with Lazlo.

"First floor, perfumery," the Doctor quipped as he stepped out.

"I think you've got the wrong floor, actually," Shawn replied with perfect seriousness. "This is the top floor."

"Silly mistake to make," the Doctor agreed.

"Doctor!" Gus exclaimed. "We weren't sure if we'd see you again."

"Of course you would," the Doctor said breezily. "So, where's my psychic paper?"

"We lost it," Shawn claimed.

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "We'll talk about it later."

"L-Lazlo?" Tallulah, who had been standing frozen, finally found her voice. "Is that really you?"

Lazlo winced. "I-I didn't want you to see me like this."

"I'd rather see you like this then never see you again!" Tallulah insisted. "Do you have any idea how worried I've been?" She ran over and wrapped her arms around him.

"Even though I look like this?" Lazlo asked tentatively as he returned the embrace.

"Even though you look like this," Tallulah confirmed. "I'm, uh, not really sure where we go from here but I think we'll have plenty of time to worry about that once we stop…whatever it is we need to stop."

"You got here just in time," Gus told the Doctor. "We figured out that there's Dalekanium on the mast."

Solomon came back in to see what the commotion was about. "So you're still alive, after all. That's good."

The lift door shut then and the Doctor ran to try to stop it. He pulled out his sonic screwdriver but nothing happened. "Damn. Deadlocked. I can't open it."

"Did the Daleks take it?" Shawn asked.

The Doctor nodded. "They must have. We can only hope that they send their pig-slaves instead of coming themselves. Look, I don't have much time. What time is it?"

"11:15," Solomon replied, glancing at his pocket-watch.

"Six minutes to go. I've got to remove the Dalekanium before the gamma radiation hits," the Doctor informed them.

"Gammon radiation? What the heck is that?" Tallulah wondered.

"You're happier not knowing," the Doctor told her. "And I don't have time to explain anyway."

"Think 'the Incredible Hulk,'" Shawn advised. "And don't tell me you don't know what that is or I won't be able to talk to you, either."

The five of them went outside to see the mast.

"Oh, that's high. That's very- Blimey, that's high," the Doctor said, sounding a bit faint.

"And you've got to go even higher," Gus said seriously. "See those three pieces of Dalekanium on the base? You need to get it off if you want to stop…whatever it is the Daleks are doing."

"I notice you said 'you' not 'we'," the Doctor noted.

"There are not enough Scooby Snacks in the world to get us up there," Shawn told him.

"It's just as well. The Daleks will be sending something back up the lift and I need you to fight them and stop them from sabotaging my sabotage," the Doctor told them seriously. "I'm so sorry that it's come to this but the situation is rather desperate."

"You expect us to fight either Daleks or pig-slaves – and possibly both – with no weapons?" Gus couldn't believe it. "Are you insane?"

"Well, I am going out to stand right next to a lightning rod when a storm's about to fight," the Doctor told them. "Draw your own conclusions."

\----

Everyone but the Doctor had grabbed whatever makeshift weapon they could find and were standing in front of the lift, waiting for it to open.

"So…anyone want to place bets on how long we'll survive?" Shawn asked, breaking the silence.

"What's the point?" Gus asked, shrugging. "No one will survive to gloat about it."

"How can you two make jokes at a time like this?" Tallulah demanded.

"We laugh to hide the pain," Shawn deadpanned.

"I should have brought a gun," Solomon said ruefully.

"I should own a gun," Shawn remarked. "I'm a great shot."

"Tallulah, stay back," Lazlo said seriously. "If they send pig slaves, they're trained to kill. If they send Daleks then we'll die even faster."

"What? You're not concerned about us?" Gus asked, almost insulted.

"I'm not in love with you," Lazlo said simply. "You should probably be aware that they're savages, though. I should know. They're trained to slit your throat with their bare teeth." Suddenly, Lazlo collapsed.

"Just as well we weren't counting on him to be our protection," Shawn muttered.

"Lazlo, what is it?" Tallulah asked frantically, kneeling at his side.

"I'm fine," Lazlo insisted, struggling to his feet.

"All evidence to the contrary," Gus pointed out.

"It's nothing we need to worry about now," Lazlo said, his tone leaving no room for argument.

"You're burning up," Tallulah argued anyway. "What's wrong? And don't you dare lie to me!"

"One man down and we haven't even started yet," Solomon said ominously. "This will not go well."

"I say we ditch the whole 'attempting to club to death the much larger and more vicious pig-slaves' plan," Shawn told them.

"Do you have a better idea?" Solomon demanded.

"I do, at that," Shawn confirmed, nodding. "The Doctor's right. This is a lightning rod. Even if the Doctor manages to save the day, the building is still going to get hit. Follow me!"

He, Gus, and Solomon ran off to create a devise to channel the lightning they were about to get struck with into something that would hit the pig-slaves coming out of the elevator.

"Do you really think that will work?" Tallulah asked when they were done.

"If not, we're totally going to die so it had better," Gus said grimly.

"I've got it all piped up to the scaffolding outside," Solomon elaborated.

"Come here, everyone, and sit in the middle. Whatever you do, don't touch anything metal," Shawn instructed.

They waited in silent terror for a few long, terrible seconds before the lift door opened and the pig-slaves squealed in pain as they were electrocuted.

"What do you know? It worked," Shawn said, proudly. "Take that, Mrs. Zbornak."

"Shawn, that wasn't anything like that science fair project," Gus pointed out.

"Right, tell me that right after I just saved us all," Shawn said, rolling his eyes.

"So…should we feel guilty that we just killed all those pig-slaves that used to be human like Lazlo?" Tallulah wondered.

"Why should you?" Shawn asked. "You didn't do anything. Wait…that came out wrong…"

Solomon shook his head. "The Daleks killed them a long time ago. We just stopped them from killing us."

"They didn't look dead," Shawn muttered.

Gus elbowed him. "Not helping."

"Let's go find the Doctor," Lazlo suggested.

The group ran out to go see if he was okay and on the way found his screwdriver. The Doctor was lying immobile on his back near the conductor which still had the Dalekanium on it. It seemed that the Doctor hadn't succeeded.

"Do you think he's dead?" Shawn asked.

Gus shuddered. "I am not going over there to check it out so you can just forget about it."

"Well I'm not going over there, either," Shawn said stubbornly, crossing his arms. "Does anybody have anything we can throw to try to wake him up? Preferably something you wouldn't mind losing in case I miss."

Tallulah rolled her eyes. "Oh, I'll do it." She walked over to the Doctor and felt for a pulse. "He's still alive." She started to shake him. "Hey, Doctor, time to wake up. There's still those Daleks to defeat and whatnot."

"Oh my head," the Doctor moaned, not opening his eyes.

"He sounds hung-over," Shawn said knowingly. "Who'd have thought getting struck by lightning would make you hung-over?"

"It would probably just outright kill either of us," Gus pointed out.

"Hi. You survived then," the Doctor noted.

"You don't have to sound so disappointed," Gus said reprovingly.

"What now?" Lazlo asked.

"The Daleks have decided to go straight to war footing. They'll send out their new soldiers against New York using the sewers. The population won't stand a chance," the Doctor said worriedly.

"That sounds bad," Shawn noted. "Tell me you have a brilliant plan."

"I think I have one but I won't know until I'm done talking," the Doctor replied. "I got in the way of the gamma strike. The Daleks removed the humanity from their subjects but it went through me and that may do something. I just have to see them and I'll need someplace I can do that. Somewhere safe, out of the way, large enough…Tallulah! Can you get us into the theatre?"

Tallulah nodded. "Sure. Just try not to destroy it too much because I have no idea of how I'm going to be able to explain any of this to my boss."

\----

"Explain to me why, exactly, letting the Daleks know where to send all of their troops is a good idea?" Gus asked.

"So I can try to deal with them before they destroy the rest of the city," the Doctor said patiently.

"And your plan for this is…?" Gus prompted.

"Do I look like I'm finished talking?" the Doctor answered with a query of his own.

"Geez, Gus, you'd think you'd be used to this kind of thing by now," Shawn lamented, shaking his head.

"You two are supposed to head back with Solomon, anyway," the Doctor said pointedly.

The pair exchanged a look.

"Normally we'd have left already," Gus admitted. "But we've been through a lot with this and we'd kind of like to see it through."

"That's an order," the Doctor said tersely.

"Oh look! The Daleks are here," Shawn said, pointing to the door which just burst open. Blank-faced humans carrying guns filed through. "I guess we missed our chance."

Solomon stepped forward but the Doctor pulled him back.

"Out of the five of us, I'm the clear expert on Daleks," the Doctor explained. "Let me handle this."

"What is it with you people and your determination that I never get to talk to anybody dangerous?" Solomon demanded.

" 'You people'?" Shawn repeated with faux-indignation. "You people? I feel so stereotyped!"

Gus looked from Shawn to Solomon and then shook his head. "You are not going to win that argument Shawn."

There was an explosion on the stage and the group ducked behind the seats for cover.

"I am going to deny all knowledge of this," Tallulah vowed. "Future city-savior or not, a girl's got to eat."

Two Daleks rolled into the room with Dalek Sec chained and crawling on all fours.

"What, they're keeping him as a pet?" Gus asked, appalled. "Or a slave? That's all kinds of messed up."

"The Doctor will stand before the Daleks," one of the Daleks ordered.

Obligingly, the Doctor got up and walked towards them.

"And they didn't even ask nicely," Lazlo marveled, shaking his head.

"I wish he'd listen to me half as well as he's been listening to them," Solomon remarked.

"You will die, Doctor. It is the beginning of a new age," the same Dalek announced.

"Planet Earth will become New Skaro," the other Dalek declared.

"Ah, good," Shawn said, relieved.

"Good? Good? How is that good?" Gus demanded.

"Because it goes to show that humans aren't the only ones who can't name things," Shawn explained.

The Doctor started waxing poetic about how great Dalek Sec was, Dalek Sec said something wise about how if you choose death and destruction it will choose you, the other Daleks didn't care, then Dalek Sec got in the way of a shot aimed at the Doctor and died. The Doctor wasn't happy about this, told the human-Daleks that the Daleks were awful, and then the Doctor baited the Daleks into ordering the human-Daleks to fire on him. He really wasn't all that interested in self-preservation, was he? Fortunately, the human-Daleks didn't do as they were bidden. Instead, they proceeded to act like a particularly annoying toddler by asking 'why' every time the Daleks said anything. The Daleks didn't like that so they killed all of the human-Daleks. Fortunately, the human-Daleks managed to take the two Daleks out with them and the Doctor fled the room, presumably in search of the third one.

Solomon and Gus supported the still-ailing Lazlo as they all followed the Doctor just in time to hear the Doctor offer to help Dalek Caan – the one still around apparently – and Dalek Caan freaking out and fleeing that time. Daleks really weren't fond of compassion, it seemed.

"What's wrong?" the Doctor asked, turning his attention back to his temporary companion's problems.

Solomon and Gus gently lowered Lazlo to the floor.

"His heart's going far too fast," Tallulah said anxiously. "I've never seen anything like it. H-he says he can't breathe. You're a Doctor, aren't you? Fix him!"

"It's time, sweetheart," Lazlo gasped out.

"What do you mean 'time'? What are you talking about?" Tallulah demanded.

Shawn hid a wince. Tallulah may have grown on him after supporting his bid to keep the psychic paper but her voice got infinitely more annoying when she began panicking.

"None of the slaves …survive for long. Most of them only live a few weeks. I was lucky. I held on 'cause I had you. But now…I'm dyin', Tallulah," Lazlo managed to explain.

"No you're not. Not now, after all this. Not when I decided that I'm staying with you," Tallulah said desperately. "Doctor, can't you do somethin'?"

"That depends," the Doctor said, suddenly energized again. "Do I happen to have a great big genetic laboratory at my disposal?" He looked around. "Huh. Guess so. Lazlo, you just hold on. There's been too many deaths today. Way too many people have died. Brand new creatures and wise old men and age-old enemies. And I'm telling you, I'm telling you right now, I am not having one more death! Got that? Not one! Tallulah, out of the way." He paused dramatically. "The Doctor is in."

\----

Solomon walked towards an anxiously waiting Lazlo and Tallulah, smiling. "Well, I talked to them. They said they'd be willing to let you stay with us. Of course, they'll likely stare something fierce and some of them are bound to say something stupid but they won't attack you. Hooverville is for those with noplace else to go and right now I'd say you really fit that description."

"Thank you. I-I can't thank you enough," Lazlo said, overcome with gratitude.

"Well, we'd best be off," the Doctor told them. "Congratulations. I mean it. You deserve to be happy. And take heart, Solomon: the Depression won't last forever."

Solomon nodded to them and then led Lazlo and Tallulah to see where Lazlo would be staying.

"Of course, it will last another ten years or so," Shawn pointed out. "And after it's over, what will Lazlo do?"

"You can't just be happy, can you?" the Doctor asked, shaking his head incredulously.

Shawn groaned. "God, I'm turning into my father."

"So what happened to you after you followed that Dalek?" Gus asked curiously.

The Doctor's expression darkened. "Ah. That. Once he combined with a human, Dalek Sec had realized that attempting to wipe out every other species besides the Daleks is ultimately futile and self-destructive and that even if they succeeded it would never be enough for them. He wanted to recreate the Daleks by merging them with humans already captured and not to transfer over the Dalek supremacy mindset but to live peacefully."

"Wait, wait, wait," Gus said, holding up a hand. "You were willing to help the Daleks destroy those poor people just to recreate their certifiably insane species?"

The Doctor shook his head. "Of course not. Those humans had already been wiped blank. Their old selves were dead for all intents and purposes and fighting Dalek Sec wouldn't have changed that. Unfortunately, the other Daleks didn't like this idea and staged a mutiny. I ran and went to go find you."

"Fun," Shawn said sarcastically. "So now what?"

"Now you give me back my psychic paper," the Doctor said, holding out his hand expectantly.

Shawn made a face. "Do I have to?"

"Yes," the Doctor said seriously. "I don't even want to know what you'd use it for…"

"Neither do I," Gus agreed. "Although I might be able to find a few uses for it myself."

"No," the Doctor said firmly. "Now hand it over, Shawn."

Sighing deeply, Shawn did as was requested. "So where are we off to now?"

"Where I told you I would be taking you after this," the Doctor replied. "Home."


	8. The Lazarus Experiment

"Do something!" Shawn said urgently.

"Like what?" Gus demanded. "I'm all out of excuses and you're much better at that kind of thing than I am."

"I know but I'm coming up empty," Shawn said, frustrated. "Probably because I'm still trying to figure out how I can convince him to get me a copy of that psychic paper…"

"It's never going to happen, Shawn," Gus said flatly.

Shawn rolled his eyes. "What, did you team up with my father to crush my dreams, now?"

"Why are you so insistent that we keep travelling with the Doctor?" Gus asked. "I mean, we're not getting paid for this and we could get killed! And you know that we can't do this forever. Sooner or later we'd need to stop."

"Yeah, I know," Shawn acknowledged. "But right now I'm having fun and I hate being forced to stop doing something before I want to."

"We're here," the Doctor announced, gesturing towards the door. "End of the line."

Shawn sighed. "Fine…"

"Aren't you going to get out with us and make sure that you got us in the right spot and not someplace hundreds of years into the past?" Gus inquired when the Doctor looked like he wasn't planning on moving. "Or on another planet, for that matter?"

"I'll have you know that that almost never happens anymore!" the Doctor assured them.

Still, Gus didn't move. "I would feel so much better about this if you hadn't used the words 'almost' and 'anymore.'"

The Doctor nodded. "Well, why not? I always like seeing companion's rooms though I can't stay too long or it gets all domestic. Rooms are such wonderful insights into the psyche, you know."

"Hey, whose house did you drop us off at anyway?" Shawn wondered. "Because if it's my anywhere but Gus' place then he's going to need a ride…"

"I'm sure the TARDIS knows what she's doing," the Doctor said confidently, stepping outside of the TARDIS. "Well…I'm actually not quite sure what to say. I'm going to guess by the photographs that this is Gus' place but other than that…Well, I shouldn't judge, I suppose."

"Oh, what aren't we judging?" Shawn asked eagerly, stepping out of the TARDIS as well. He took in the light-blue walls, the bright orange drapes, the pictures of people he had never met adorning the room, and the female underwear all over the room. "The fact that we are so very clearly not anywhere I have ever seen before?"

"You're not?" the Doctor asked uncertainly. "I could have sworn I told the TARDIS to take you both home."

"Well we're not," Gus said flatly. "I've never been here, either. Although I wouldn't mind living in a place that smelled this nice, let me tell you."

"I guess the TARDIS has voted to keep us," Shawn said smugly. "And who are you to tell her who she can and cannot let travel aboard her anyway?"

"She has not," the Doctor disagreed. "She just clearly made a mistake, is all."

"I believe that the TARDIS is perfect and would never make a mistake," Shawn said boldly.

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Stop sucking up."

"It would only be sucking up if I didn't mean it and if you think that I don't mean it that must mean that you don't think it's true," Shawn deduced. "Really, it's a wonder she takes you anywhere with that clearly horrible opinion you have of her."

"I do not have a…you know what, we're not talking about this," the Doctor decided, shaking his head. "Okay, back in the TARDIS. Let's try this taking you home thing again, shall we?"

"I'd rather we didn't, actually," Shawn told him. "And what are you going to do if the TARDIS refuses to take us home? Keep us with you forever?"

"Shouldn't that prospect bother you a little?" the Doctor asked. "I mean, I know you're having fun and all but do you really want to do this forever?"

"Not really," Shawn admitted. "Well…probably not. But until I want to go back home then I really don't need to worry about anything. So what would you do?"

The Doctor shrugged. "I suppose I could always just drop you off somewhere and trust you to find your own way back. Right now it's only been about twelve hours since I took you. Course I did promise Sarah Jane that I wouldn't do that anymore. Maybe if the TARDIS will take me to see her I could explain the situation and see if she thinks this is an exception?"

"Could you guys keep it down, I'm trying to watch this," Gus told them, gesturing towards the television.

The Doctor and Shawn obligingly stopped talking and glanced at the screen.

An elderly man was standing in front of a crowd of reporters and looking very pleased with himself. "Tonight, I will demonstrate a device that, with the push of a single button, will change what it means to be human."

Shawn snorted. "How pretentious can you be?"

"It might be more than just grandstanding, Shawn," Gus told him. "I've heard about this project before. It's headed by Professor Richard Lazarus and, appropriately enough, is called the Lazarus Project."

"But what's it do?" the Doctor asked curiously.

"It's supposed to work as a fountain of youth sort of thing," Gus explained. "A lot of people thought that Lazarus was outright crazy when he first proposed this a few months back but the Naismiths believed in him and so they funded pretty much the entire project. I guess tonight we'll see if it worked."

"Redefining what it means to be human…" the Doctor repeated absently.

"Yeah, cool stuff," Shawn agreed. "Gus and I will have to check it out tonight and then we'll just get a flight back home."

"You mean I'll get us a flight back home with my credit card," Gus corrected.

"Gus, I think that the Doctor's known us both long enough by now to know that without us needing to spell it out," Shawn told him. "So really, Doctor, go off into the great unknown. We'll be fine, really."

The Doctor looked torn. He took a few faltering steps towards his TARDIS before he stopped. "Alright, fine. I really should look into this. Humans making themselves young again is just…unnatural."

"Says the guy who apparently regenerates when on the point of death himself," Shawn said pointedly.

"That's different," the Doctor insisted. "That's more of a biological ability and besides, we've had it for ages."

"Well depending on how this works it might activate some sort of biological mechanism and if it works than in a thousand years we'll have had it for ages as well," Gus argued.

"I think he's just being elitist," Shawn complained.

"You know what? I think so, too," Gus agreed.

The Doctor sighed. "And you two can come with me."

"That's all we ask," Shawn said, grinning. "Now we should probably move the TARDIS somewhere else before whoever lives here comes back…"

\----

"Nibbles!" the Doctor exclaimed happily, grabbing a handful off of a passing tray and shoving them in his mouth.

Shawn shook his head in bemusement. "You are never going to get a date that way."

"I don't want a date," the Doctor claimed. "I want to stop this mons…I mean, I want to thoughtfully observe what Professor Lazarus is doing and only step in if absolutely necessary."

"Remember, Shawn, he's still on the rebound," Gus cautioned him.

"I am not!" the Doctor insisted.

Gus raised an eyebrow. "Oh no? Then perhaps you'd be so kind as to tell us what Rose looks like? Or her last name? Or what happened to her? Or how you met? Or really anything about her. At all."

The Doctor immediately began fussing with his cuffs. "I hate black tie affairs."

"I don't," Shawn said, allowing him to change the subject. "I look awesome in a tux. Although I'm not a big fan of the kinds of things they make you sit through at these things. I hope there's not a lecture…"

"So you like the black tie part but not the affair aspect," Gus surmised.

"I wouldn't mind a lecture," the Doctor told them. "In fact, I love lectures just as long as the person speaking knows what he's talking about and I'd like to learn a little more about this Lazarus Project. It's just that whenever I get dressed up like this, something bad happens."

"And yet that hasn't turned you off of your regular suits," Gus noted.

"Well of course not," the Doctor said, surprised. "I look stylish in those!"

Shawn nodded sagely. "Men like us are slaves to fashion."

"Shawn, the day we before we met the Doctor you walked around for two full hours with a huge mustard stain on your shirt until I agreed to go buy you another one," Gus pointed out.

Shawn shrugged. "What can I say? I'm on a budget."

Gus laughed incredulously. "Since when?"

"Since I didn't want to have to pay for a new shirt," Shawn replied matter-of-factly. "Seriously, dude, how long have you known me?"

Gus nodded his head, acknowledging the point.

"I've got to say, this looks like a pretty exclusive kind of event," Shawn noted. "It's sure lucky that you had something like the psychic paper to help you get in. If we were back in Santa Barbara we probably would have had to impersonate the wait staff and then had all sorts of hilarious hijinks."

"Yes, it sure was," the Doctor agreed mildly, not taking the bait. "Hey, is it just me or does that look like a sonic microfield manipulator?"

Shawn and Gus exchanged a glance. "It's just you," they said simultaneously.

"Everything's always sonic with you, isn't it?" Shawn asked rhetorically. "What do you have against all the other senses, anyway?"

The Doctor was spared having to reply as there was a loud tapping on a glass – more blatantly pro-sound propaganda – and they all turned to the ancient professor to see what he had to say.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am Professor Richard Lazarus and tonight I'm going to perform a miracle. It is, I believe, the most important advance since Rutherford split the atom, the biggest leap since Armstrong stood on the moon. Tonight, you will watch and wonder. Tomorrow, you'll awake to a world which will be changed forever," Lazarus declared as grandly as he could given his soft voice.

"Splitting the atom…doesn't that blow things up?" Shawn asked quietly.

Lazarus stepped into his giant machine and shut the door behind him. Two female technicians standing behind a nearby control panel started the machinery. Instantly, a high-pitched whir began to sound and a bright blue light kept flashing as the four pillars of the machine began to spin individually creating what looked to be an energy field. The pillars rotated ever faster as the people watched – when the light wasn't so bright they had to shield their eyes – until a warning klaxon went off.

"Something's wrong," the Doctor said unnecessarily. "It's overloading. Be back in a minute."

The technicians scrambled to try to stabilize the machine but everywhere they looked sparks were flying. The Doctor jumped over the panel and pulled out his sonic-screwdriver to try and fix the problem.

"Somebody stop him!" an old lady standing nearby cried out hysterically. "Get him away from those controls!"

Gus stared at her. "Seriously? Everything's malfunctioning, the technicians don't have a clue, and somebody who looks like they actually know what they're doing comes along and you want him to get away from the controls?"

"Yeah," Shawn added suspiciously. "It's almost like you're trying to sabotage this project."

"Don't be absurd!" the woman scoffed. "I am Lady Thaw, Joshua Naismith's personal representative on this project."

Shawn shrugged. "I've seen more convoluted murder attempts. Let me guess: you love him and he couldn't care less, especially once he magically turns young."

"That's just not true!" Lady Thaw thundered.

"Got it open!" the Doctor called out.

Someone ran to the door and pulled it open. A lot of smoke came out of it and then finally Lazarus himself came stumbling out looking a lot blonder and less wrinkled than he had previously. "Ladies and gentlemen, I am Richard Lazarus. I am 76 years old and I am reborn!"

"You know, he sounds almost exactly the same at forty-something as he did at seventy-six," Shawn remarked.

Gus turned to him. "Really, Shawn? That's what you're choosing to focus on?"

"What else should I be focusing on?" Shawn asked, mystified.

"The fact that Richard Lazarus has just changed what it means to be human," the Doctor said grimly.

\----

"I'm famished," Lazarus was saying as Gus, Shawn, and the Doctor approached him.

"Energy deficit. Always happens with this kind of process," the Doctor said, forcibly inserting himself into the conversation Lazarus was having with Lady Thaw.

"You speak as if you see this every day, Mr.…" Lazarus prompted.

"Doctor, actually," the Doctor corrected. "And, well, no, not every day, but I have some experience in this kind of transformation."

"That's not possible," Lazarus said flatly.

"Given that an hour ago you were practically on death's door and now you're more on death's driveway, are you really sure you should be making those kinds of pronouncements?" Shawn asked him.

Lazarus frowned. "I see your point. That's highly improbable."

"And yet it's true," the Doctor replied. "Much like your work, actually. Using hypersonic sound waves to create a state of resonance, right? That's brilliant."

Lazarus smiled at that. "Thank you. I take it you understand the theory, then? Not many do."

"I understand it enough to know that you couldn't possibly have allowed for all the variables," the Doctor said accusingly.

"No experiment is entirely without risk," Lazarus said, unconcerned.

"That thing nearly exploded. You might as well have stepped into a blender!" the Doctor explained.

"You're not qualified to comment," Lady Thaw said frostily.

"I'd be careful of that one if I were you," Shawn said, nodding her way. "She tried to stop the Doctor from saving you. We think she might want you dead."

Lady Thaw squawked indignantly.

"I think that this shows just how qualified I am to comment," the Doctor said, waving the psychic paper in their faces. "But then, it's not like you could have realized that from the fact that I saved Lazarus' life and very probably stopped the machine from exploding earlier."

"You saved me?" Lazarus inquired, glancing over at Lady Thaw who reluctantly nodded. "Then you have my thanks. But that's a simple engineering issue. What happened inside the capsule was exactly what was supposed to happen. No more, no less."

"It doesn't really matter if what happened to you was supposed to happen or not because if I hadn't intervened then it would have killed you and no one would have been very interested in your potentially good-looking corpse," the Doctor said chastised him. "This is some of the sloppiest science I have ever seen and believe me I have seen some sloppy science in my day."

"It is not!" Lazarus argued, outraged.

"It really is," the Doctor said firmly. "I mean, it's one thing not to run proper tests if it's a do-or-die situation but this really wasn't. You have funding, you have promising results, you have scientific guidelines you have to follow! You clearly have never run the experiment before but have you run it on sufficiently-similar animals? I'm guessing not or the machine wouldn't have overloaded tonight."

"It was my risk to take," Lazarus said, not answering the question. "It would have been unethical of me to use someone else to test this if I had not explained the risks or done all of the tests but I knew what could happen and I felt it was worth it."

"Even if you wanted to be the star by de-aging yourself in public, it's still highly irresponsible to do your first human test – let alone your first test period – in front of all these people who could have been hurt or even killed," the Doctor continued.

"And think how embarrassing it would have been if it hadn't worked," Gus said, speaking more to where he thought Lazarus' interest lie. "The project would be a joke, funding would be jeopardized, and even if you did manage to get it to work properly it wouldn't receive anything like the attention it's getting now."

"All these 'if thens' and 'might have beens' are highly unnecessary in light of the very basic fact that I did it," Lazarus insisted. "Maybe it didn't work perfectly but the point was that it worked. Just because we didn't do any of the necessary tests and confirm the safety before I used it doesn't mean we won't before we start using this commercially."

"It will have to be properly certified before we go public or that would just be asking for a lawsuit," Lady Thaw agreed.

"Commercially?" Gus couldn't believe it. "That would cause all kinds of chaos."

"Not chaos. Change. A chance for humanity to evolve, to improve," Lazarus said dreamily.

"This isn't about improving," the Doctor accused. "It's about you and your customers living a little longer. And if it has to be artificially implanted then it really doesn't fit the bill for 'evolving.'"

"Not a little longer, Doctor. A lot longer. Perhaps indefinitely," Lazarus declared.

"Am I the only one who had to read Vonnegut's 'Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow'?" Shawn demanded. "Letting people live forever or even just for centuries would be a horrible idea! Think of the overpopulation and the lack of resources!"

"Who am I to keep my creation from the world?" Lazarus asked nobly.

"Richard, we have things to discuss. Upstairs," Lady Thaw said abruptly, walking away from the group.

"How rude," Gus said, frowning.

"Goodbye, Doctor. In a few years, you'll look back and laugh at how wrong you were," Lazarus said as he moved to follow her.

"Are you sure you should be alone with her?" Shawn called after him.

"Why do so many of the smart ones have to be so bloody stupid?" the Doctor demanded. "I just don't understand it."

"I think it's because they know just how smart they are and so think that they're infallible and make stupid mistakes because of it," Shawn theorized.

Gus coughed pointedly.

"What?" Shawn asked blankly.

"This building must be full of laboratories," the Doctor told them. "I say we need to perform our own tests. First thing's first: getting a sample of Lazarus' DNA post-de-aging. If any of us was a woman, Lazarus probably would have kissed our hand; he's been doing that with all the women he encounters since he emerged."

"How about the glass he was just drinking out of?" Shawn asked. "It's sitting over there on that table."

The Doctor shrugged. "That's just as good, I guess."

\----

"This is amazing," the Doctor breathed as he stared at the screen that displayed Lazarus' DNA read-out.

"I don't know what any of this means," Shawn complained. "But I'm pretty sure that it isn't supposed to change. Did the computer glitch?"

"No," Gus realized, staring in horror at the DNA. "The DNA did. Lazarus' DNA is unstable. This can't be good."

The Doctor waited. "Aren't either of you going to say that it's impossible?" he asked hopefully.

Shawn and Gus exchanged a look.

"We would but we try to keep conscious of the fact that we're talking to a time-travelling alien," Gus told him. "Doctor, do you have any idea how he managed to change his own molecular pattern?"

"Hypersonic sound waves to destabilize the cell structure then a mutagenic program to manipulate the coding in the protein strands," the Doctor explained.

Shawn blinked. "Hable por favor en inglés."

"Basically, he hacked into his own genes and instructed them to rejuvenate," the Doctor clarified.

"But he has no idea what he's doing and now they're mutating," Shawn concluded. "That could either kill him or cause him to kill someone else."

"He did say he was famished earlier," Gus added. "And he went upstairs with Lady Thaw."

"That is such a stupid name," Shawn remarked.

"Either way, we have to find her. She may be in danger," the Doctor told them.

"Kind of ironic given the fact that she wanted to kill him," Shawn said as they took off in search of the pair.

\----

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Gus screamed.

"I take it you've found Lady Thaw?" the Doctor asked, glancing Gus' way.

Gus pointed down in front of him.

The Doctor and Shawn came over to get a view that wasn't obscured by the desk (and Shawn screamed as well).

"Lady Thaw," the Doctor murmured. "Or what's left of her. She's had all of her energy drained out, sort of like squeezing all the juice from an orange."

Gus made a face. "Lovely imagery."

"All this mutating requires energy. I don't know if Lady Thaw will be enough. All of those people downstairs might be in trouble. I don't think we should take the risk either way," the Doctor said seriously. "We should-" He broke off as an elevator came up.

Lazarus stepped out of the elevator with a young black woman. "You seem very young to have such a responsible position. Have you much experience?"

"Hey, I saw her picture in that woman's apartment this morning," Shawn exclaimed.

The woman turned to him in confusion. "Excuse me?"

"Never mind," Gus said quickly.

"What are you three doing here?" Lazarus asked them, a bit irritated. "Searching for clues that this isn't a good idea?"

"We did a bit of that, yeah," the Doctor agreed. "And we found that your DNA isn't stabilized yet and that your mutations require you to drain the energy from people until it does. People like Lady Thaw. People like your young companion."

The woman's eyes bulged. "What? You have got to be joking."

"Not really," Shawn said casually. "There's a dried-out husk of a corpse right over there."

"I'll pass," the woman said, making a face.

"This is preposterous!" Lazarus objected. "You're just reaching now, trying to come up with some way of shutting me down and your baseless accusations will get you nowhere." He spasmed suddenly.

"A-are you alright?" the woman asked.

"No, he's not," Shawn told her ruefully. "He's transforming into a monster. But I don't think I caught your name…"

"It's Tish," Tish introduced. "Leticia, actually. Leticia Jones."

"It's very nice to meet you, Tish," Shawn said, grinning at her. "My name is Shawn Spencer and this is my partner, Dwayne Hicks. Oh, and that's the Doctor."

Tish was about to say something when she heard a sound behind her and spun around. She covered her mouth with her hands. "Oh my God!"

The young-ish and vaguely-attractive Lazarus was no longer standing there. In his place was some sort of mutated creature with a humanoid face and looked like some odd cross between a human skeleton and a scorpion.

"Here's a thought," the Doctor told them. "Run!"

Behind them, Lazarus started banging on the door, trying to get in after them causing the security alarms to go off.

"What's that mean?" the Doctor asked.

"Uh, an intrusion. It triggers a security lockdown. Kills most of the power. Stops the lifts. Seals the exits," Tish told them.

"Perfect," Shawn said, annoyed. "The security is going to get us killed."

"Let's take the stairs," Gus suggested. "There's only a matter of time before he breaks through the door and nobody even knows about this."

There was a loud crash.

"And…that's the door," the Doctor announced.

They practically flew down the stairs.

"Tish! Is there another way out of here?" the Doctor asked urgently.

Tish thought back. "There's an exit in the corner, but it'll be locked now."

The Doctor took out his sonic screwdriver, was about to toss it in Shawn's direction, but tossed it to Gus instead.

"Hey!" Shawn objected.

"Sorry but I knew you'd never give it back," the Doctor said semi-apologetically. "Setting 54."

"It has settings?" Shawn asked, awed. "At least 54 of them?"

Shawn, Gus, and Tish ran off to go get the door unlocked.

"Over here!" Shawn shouted. "This way, people!"

"Stay away from them, Lazarus!" the Doctor cried out. "What's the point if you can't control it? The mutation's too strong. Killing those people won't help you. You're a fool, a vain old man who thought he could defy Nature. Only Nature got her own back, didn't she? You're a joke, Lazarus! A footnote in the history of failure!"

"Well, that ought to do it," Gus murmured as he watched an enraged Lazarus take off after the Doctor. "Let's go!"

They kept running until they reached the main entrance.

"We can't get out! We're trapped!" Tish said, horrified.

"That would be a horrible design flaw," Shawn told her. "And probably a fire code violation. Listen to me: where's the security desk? There's probably an override switch there."

"Over there," Tish said, pointing to the desk.

"…I knew that," Shawn said. He and Gus went over to the security desk and Gus used the screwdriver to open the door letting all the trapped people escape.

"We're going to have to go chasing after the Doctor even though it's clear he would want us to leave with everyone else, aren't we?" Gus asked, sounding resigned.

"How else are we supposed to convince him that we're indispensable, Gus? Fate has given us a second chance to keep traveling with him and I, for one, do not intend to waste it!" Shawn declared passionately.

\----

Gus ran smack into the Doctor as he exited a room.

"What are you doing here?" the Doctor asked, shocked.

"We heard the explosion," Shawn told him. "We couldn't resist."

"But since we're here, we might as well return this to you," Gus said, handing back the sonic screwdriver.

"Dude, that wasn't part of the plan!" Shawn complained.

"And that right there is why I entrusted this with you and not Shawn," the Doctor noted.

"So what was that explosion?" Gus wondered.

"I blasted Lazarus," the Doctor explained.

"So is he-" Gus started to say before Lazarus crashed down the hall. "Guess not."

\----

"I'm not positive but I think that we might have been here before," Shawn commented as they reached the reception area again. "I wonder if they have any food left. All this running around is making me famished. Though I mean the normal kind of famished and not the freaky-Lazarus kind, of course."

Lazarus burst into the room right on their tails.

"We can't lead him outside," the Doctor said anxiously.

"Well we can't stay here!" Gus pointed out.

"In here!" the Doctor said, running into Lazarus' machine.

"Are you crazy?" Gus asked as he followed him in. "This is the thing that mutated Lazarus in the first place!"

"Well, let's just hope he doesn't turn it on then," the Doctor said as he shut the door tight behind Shawn. "Although technically since the machine hasn't been fixed we'd just end up dying if it were turned on."

"That's not really any better!" Gus cried out.

"This was so not meant for three people," Shawn complained. "Everyone's everything's in my everything!"

The Doctor paused. "What?"

"You and Gus have your various feet, hands, arms, elbows, legs, and the like in my face, stomach, arm, leg, the like," Shawn clarified. "I was trying to be more concise."

"Why are we in here again?" Gus wanted to know. "I mean, we can't be hiding because he saw us come in here and I don't know if Lazarus is mindless or not but even animals can remember something like that."

"Yeah, it really feels like we're just sitting ducks here," Shawn criticized.

"Well…we are. A little," the Doctor conceded. "But this is his masterpiece, his life's work. Would he really destroy it just to get to us?"

"Even if he doesn't, we can't stay in here forever!" Gus exclaimed.

"I'm sure I'll think of something eventually," the Doctor said dismissively. "Or he'll leave and we can escape then. And…I've got it! I know it's crowded but try to give me as much room as you can." The Doctor dropped to his knees and used his sonic screwdriver to pull up a panel at the bottom of the machine. "I'm sorry but isn't anybody going to ask me to explain what happened to Lazarus?"

"Actually, we came up with a nice back-story for him where his dad was some sort of shape-shifting scorpion alien and his mom was a human. His dad died right before his mom found out she was pregnant but he seemed perfectly normal until he messed with his DNA tonight," Shawn explained.

"But if you want to tell us what really happened then that's fine, too," Gus assured him.

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Thanks for that. Lazarus' mutation is strictly human. There are a lot of dormant genes in human DNA and one of them – or more than one of them – activated tonight due to the energy field. It looks like it's becoming dominant even though evolution rejected it long, long ago."

A blue light filled the capsule.

"He started it didn't he?" Gus asked, looking faintly terrified. "Shawn, this is all your fault."

"Me? I'm not the one who didn't let Lazarus blow up in the first place," Shawn said, inclining his head towards the Doctor.

"Well I didn't know that this would happen!" the Doctor told them curtly. "Nearly there…"

"We're going to die," Gus complained.

"Not if I can just finish this," the Doctor said. "And not like you asked but I'm trying to set the capsule to reflect energy rather than receive it. When he transforms, he's three times his size—cellular triplication—so he's spreading himself thin. Just one more…there." The Doctor pulled one last wire and the capsule stopped moving.

Shawn opened the door and the trio slowly stepped out, keeping an eye out for Lazarus just in case.

"It's okay, guys, he's dead," Shawn announced. "He is also naked but he grew to be humungous so I guess that's only to be expecting. He is lying on his front so I say we count our blessings."

"He looks so human," Gus said, taking care to only look at the top half of Lazarus' body. "Almost…pitiful."

"Eliot saw that, too. 'This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper,'" the Doctor quoted.

"I bet you were actually there to hear him say it," Shawn said.

"No," the Doctor denied quickly. "Well…okay, fine. But it was bloody brilliant, I'll tell you that."

"What do we do with him?" Gus asked, gesturing towards Lazarus' corpse.

"We call the police – if they haven't been summoned already – and then we let them take Lazarus to the morgue," the Doctor replied.

Shawn and Gus exchanged a look.

"Are you sure that's the best plan?" Gus asked tentatively.

The Doctor frowned. "Pretty sure, yeah. Why?"

"Haven't you seen any alien movies?" Shawn demanded. "The creatures always looks to be dead but then you walk away and it's eye pops open. Every. Damn. Time."

"This isn't a movie, Shawn," the Doctor pointed out.

"Maybe not but do you really want to take the chance that that things comes back to life?" Shawn challenged. "You said he wasn't finished mutating. Maybe he'll mutate himself back to life."

"Shawn's right," Gus agreed. "And he hasn't reverted to his old appearance so the gene might still be active. If Lazarus comes back and kills someone else because we couldn't be bothered to make sure he was actually dead then it will be on all of our heads."

"But mostly yours," Shawn clarified.

"What do you propose we do?" the Doctor asked them. "Desecrate this poor man's corpse?"

"I wouldn't say 'desecrate', no," Shawn said slowly.

"Mostly because of all the negative connotations," Gus added.

"But surely you appreciate the risk of someone dissecting Lazarus and doing something with that unstable DNA," Shawn said persuasively. "And all we'd really have to do is a cremation which is really pretty common funeral practice anyway. He has no family to speak of, either."

The Doctor sighed. "Oh, alright. Better safe than sorry."

\----

"So I still can't believe that you ended up trying to take us home in London," Shawn said, shaking his head. "I mean, I can understand getting a bit lost but you didn't even get the country right!"

The Doctor shrugged. "Most of my companions have been British."

"Admit it, the TARDIS just doesn't want to see us go," Shawn claimed. "Still, it wasn't all bad. Tish was great last night. And this morning. If I'm ever in London again, I'm looking her up."

"Well I don't know about that but I'm thinking that maybe we could take one more trip in the TARDIS before taking you both back home," the Doctor offered.

"Can it be a long trip where we don't have to bargain to keep going?" Gus asked him.

The Doctor grinned at them. "Oh, why not? I think I'll miss your attempts to keeping stalling, though."

"Can I have my own psychic paper since we'll be officially travelling with you and whatnot?" Shawn asked hopefully.

"Nope," the Doctor said breezily.

"Well, can we at least go to Space Disneyworld then?" Shawn requested.

"Shawn, what makes you think that there even is such a thing as-" Gus started to say.

"Which one?" the Doctor interrupted.

Shawn looked like Lassiter had finally admitted that he believed Shawn was psychic in the middle of his first date with Juliet on Christmas. "All of them."

"Allons-y!"


	9. 42

It was several weeks later that Gus had an inspiration about how to complete his route two hours shorter (always a plus as he never knew when Shawn would need him). He wasn't sure when he'd be home again and he and Shawn had agreed that just stopping by Santa Barbara might give the Doctor bad ideas about leaving them there. He didn't want to forget his brilliant time-saver, though, so the Doctor fiddled around with first his cell phone and then Shawn's – who didn't want to be left out – to give them universal roaming.

Gus immediately called his parents since he hadn't spoken to them in months and Shawn promptly called Juliet. Well, at least Henry wouldn't know that he was being neglected if the Doctor managed to get them back in a timely manner.

Suddenly, the TARDIS started shaking violently.

"Sorry, Jules, I've got to go," Shawn said apologetically. "I think we're going to crash. Not to worry, though, I'll be fine. Probably. If you'd like to send me a get-well-soon pineapple in advance, that'd be great."

"We're not crashing, Shawn," the Doctor told him. "We're getting a distress signal."

"And this distress signal needs to be so violent because…?" Shawn prompted.

"Well, it gets your attention, doesn't it?" the Doctor asked rhetorically. "I like bumpy rides better, anyway and the only other option was an alarm of some sort and I hate alarms. They're always going off. I should get them disabled…"

Gus stared at him. "But aren't they usually going off for a reason?"

The Doctor shrugged. "Probably. If it's really that important than I'll figure it out soon enough."

Still, Gus wasn't quite ready to let it go. "And if you don't?"

"Then I'll get myself killed," the Doctor said blithely. "But that almost never happens."

"Can we at least keep the upgraded phones when we eventually leave?" Shawn asked, breaking his and Gus' rule about not reminding the Doctor they'd leave at some points in case it gave him ideas in order to see about never having to pay a phone bill again.

The Doctor tilted his head, considering. "You'd probably kill me if I didn't let you keep at least something and you can't do much damage with these so why not?"

"Sweet!" Shawn cheered.

"So…" Gus trailed off expectantly. "About that distress signal?"

The Doctor nodded. "Oh, right. We should go check that out."

"You don't really sound like you're in a hurry," Gus pointed out.

The Doctor pointed to the TARDIS console. "Time machine. I could go take a nap and still make it in time to help these people."

"I could use a swim myse-" Shawn started to say.

Gus glared at him. "No. We can't just leave these things to chance and risk showing up too late to help them!"

"If that's what you want," the Doctor said indifferently before running around and pressing a bunch of buttons and pulling some levers. The TARDIS rumbled around again, this time in the more familiar 'we're actually going somewhere' way. "And…here we are!"

"We have to go save somebody in a sauna?" Shawn asked, wincing at the sudden heat wave after the TARDIS doors sprang open. "I can get behind that. Unless there's a killer hiding in the mist, of course. Or if I cook. While I'm sure that I would taste amazing, I'm really against that plan."

"Let's go," the Doctor suggested as he stepped out of the ship, Gus and Shawn following closely behind him. "You know what they say, 'if you can't stand the heat then you should probably move.'" He walked through a door marked 'Area 30.' "Well, that's better…"

Suddenly, three people ran straight at them.

"It is far too hot to be running," Shawn said, wincing in sympathy.

"Oi, you two! What are you doing here?" one of the men demanded.

"Seal the door!" the woman ordered.

The two men quickly shut the door behind Shawn and Gus.

"Who are you and what are you doing on my ship?" the woman demanded.

"I'm Shawn Spencer and this is my partner, Don West," Shawn introduced.

"And I'm the Doctor," the Doctor announced. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Are you police?" the man who had spoken earlier blurted out.

"Why would we be police?" the Doctor asked blankly. "We just got your distress signal."

"Then where's your ship?" the woman challenged.

"Out there," the Doctor said, gesturing vaguely towards the direction they'd just come from.

"It's a small ship," Gus clarified.

"Speaking of ships, why doesn't yours have any engines?" the Doctor inquired.

"Because they went dead four minutes ago," the woman said matter-of-factly. "I must say, you have phenomenal response time."

"See?" Gus asked smugly. "She said 'phenomenal response time.'"

The Doctor turned so that the three strangers couldn't see his face. "Time machine," he mouthed.

"Maybe we should stop chatting and get to engineering," the quiet man spoke up, sounding impatient.

"Secure closure active," a computerized voice announced.

The captain's eyes bulged. "What? Who ordered that?"

"The ship has gone mad," the second man declared, reflexively crossing himself.

A woman ran towards them, the doors slamming shut just behind her. "Who did that?" she asked angrily. "I almost got sealed into area 27!"

"Impact projection: 42 minutes," the computer announced.

"Impact into what?" Gus asked suspiciously.

"The sun," Shawn said, looking out the window. He groaned. "Way to go, Gus. You've landed us in '2001: A Space Odyssey.'"

\----

Including Shawn, Gus, and the Doctor there were ten people aboard Captain McDonnell's ship. The Doctor had attempted to get to the TARDIS and to just abandon ship altogether since there were so few people and they could easily fit in the TARDIS control room but the TARDIS was sealed in a room too hot to be able to go in. One of the crewmembers, Riley, kept insisting that it had been destroyed.

"And I keep telling you, the fact that we all still exist is a pretty good sign that my TARDIS hasn't been destroyed," the Doctor said, exasperated.

"Look, I don't know who you are or why you seem to think that your ship being destroyed will cause all life to fade away or whatever but-" Riley started to say.

"I don't just think that, I know that," the Doctor corrected. "And that's a good thing…as long as she stays non-destroyed. She's tough, though, so I think she should make it. Since we know that it's still around we can eventually get to it if we can fix the heat."

"We're going to need to get away from the sun in order to get the temperature anywhere approaching habitable," Riley told them. "It's getting hotter by the moment."

"That settles it," the Doctor said, clapping his hands together. "We're just going to have to fix the ship. To engineering!"

With that, he began to run down the hallway. The others chased after him and quickly saw that a section of the ship had been sabotaged and learned that two crewmembers were missing.

"Lovely! We're in the Torajji system," the Doctor said cheerfully, more pleased to know where they were than about the fact that they were in this particular system. "You know, that's half a universe away from Earth."

"So what you're saying is that no one will ever find my corpse," Gus translated.

"You know I hate calling you a Gloomy Gus but between your name and your continued insistence that we're going to die, you really don't make it easy," Shawn told him flatly.

"And, you're still using energy scoops for fusion? Hasn't that been outlawed yet?" the Doctor asked, puzzled.

Shawn didn't miss the guilty looks the crew exchanged but McDonnell herself remained cool. "We're due to upgrade next docking. Scannell, engine report."

"They're burned out," Scannell said grimly. "I can't get them back online."

"What about the auxiliary engines? Every craft has auxiliary engines," the Doctor suggested.

"We don't have access from here. The auxiliary controls are in the front of the ship," McDonnell replied.

"Yeah, with 29 password sealed doors between us and them. You'll never get there in time," Scannell said dismissively.

"Right, we're not sending you to do it then," the Doctor said, rolling his eyes. "Who's got the door passwords?"

"I think I know most of them," Riley spoke up. "They're randomly generated, though, and it's a two-person job."

"I'll go," Shawn volunteered, surprising everyone. "You coming, Gus?"

Gus nodded. "Yeah." He took out his cell phone and handed it to the Doctor. "Best take this so we can stay in touch. Let us know if anything happens."

\----

"Finally, we're alone," Shawn said, sounding relieved as he watched Riley opening the first door. "I've been meaning to talk to you."

"Talk to me?" Riley asked, blinking in confusion.

Shawn nodded his head. "Absolutely. Look, I didn't want to say anything in front of everyone but Gus, the Doctor, and I? We really are cops. Undercover, of course, and we don't want to alarm everyone."

"Then why tell me?" Riley asked, bewildered.

"Because I like you, Riley, and I think I can trust you," Shawn said seriously. "I know that right now our immediate priority is to stop this ship from hurtling into the sun in a little over half an hour but that doesn't mean we can just ignore the deeper question."

"Deeper question?" Riley repeated.

Gus nodded. "Yes, deeper question. Why, for instance, the computer has decided to try to kill you."

"I just got a text from the Doctor telling me that they found Ashton and Korwin," Shawn declared.

Riley's eyes lit up. "They did? That's wonderful!"

"It might be," Shawn said noncommittally. "Ashton's fine but Korwin's burning up, some sort of infection. You asked if we were police earlier. While we are at that, why was that the first thing you thought of? We are undercover operatives, after all. And you looked guilty earlier. What, exactly, did you do?"

Riley looked uncomfortable. "I don't-"

"Riley, I know that you don't want to get in trouble. You seem like a decent guy and this whole thing is probably just a big mistake, I understand that. I'm not here to get you in trouble, I'm here to get you out of trouble," Shawn promised. "But I can't help unless you tell me what's wrong. What did you do that you think you might get in trouble for and that might have something to do with Korwin's infection? His life may depend on your cooperation."

Riley gulped. "I…I'm not sure if this means anything but…"

"Yes?" Gus prompted gently.

"You should also be aware that whatever this infection is caused Korwin to sabotage the ship and melt the controls," Shawn added. "If we don't know what this is, we can't fight it and it might spread."

Riley nodded, looking shaken. "Right. Look, we didn't really mean anything by it. It's just that we drew matter from the sun to use as fuel a little before this whole mess started. It might have been infected, I don't know, we didn't have time to scan. It's illegal to use energy scoops but we didn't have much choice! We were running low on fuel and…but I don't see how this could have infected Korwin."

He opened the door.

Shawn tossed Gus his phone. "Call the Doctor, let him know about this," he instructed.

Gus nodded. "Right." He dialed his own phone.

"Bit busy right now," the Doctor said distractedly.

"We got Riley to confess that they scooped fuel from the sun without scanning it right before the trouble started," Gus said without preamble. "We think that might have something to do with it."

"Without scanning?" the Doctor practically choked. "That's…that's so bloody irresponsible! Who knows what they could have brought onboard the ship?"

Gus heard a female voice saying something indecipherable.

"I don't care that it was illegal and the fine's really large," the Doctor snapped. "It's not like there were any witnesses! You had time!"

"Doctor," Gus said, reminding the Doctor that he was there. "So you think that the sun particles in the fuel is the reason why we're having problems?"

"Almost definitely," the Doctor confirmed. "It's just too big of a coincidence. If they don't have enough fuel reserves then I can take them in the TARDIS if I have to once we solve this."

The female voice said something else indistinctly.

"Yes we have to do this! We have no idea what you've brought aboard! At this point, we can't even rule out the star being alive and trying to reclaim the parts of it that you lost," the Doctor exclaimed. "And frankly, it's the best chance that your husband has."

"Have to do what?" Gus inquired.

"We can dump the contaminated fuel from here," the Doctor revealed. "But that won't be enough to save us even if I'm right and that's the problem. These engines are still dead and we're not making much progress fixing them so keep going to the auxiliary engines."

"Will do," Gus agreed before hanging up and going to rejoin Shawn and Riley.

He found them staring blankly at second door.

"What are you guys waiting for?" he asked impatiently. "We don't have time!"

"And you had the phone so we couldn't ask the Doctor about this insane problem," Shawn countered.

"Find the next number in the sequence: 313, 331, 367… what?" Riley said helpfully.

Gus was quiet for a moment, thinking. "379," he declared.

Shawn groaned. "Gus, why do you have to keep proving to me that you're a nerd at heart?"

"Because if I don't then we're going to fall into the sun," Gus said matter-of-factly.

"Hey, you're right," Riley said, surprised.

"Of course he is," Shawn muttered, considerably less so.

"Next category is classical music," Riley read off.

Shawn groaned while Gus flexed his fingers.

"Who had the most pre-download number ones, Elvis Pre-eh-sley or the Be-atles?" Riley asked, horribly mangling both names.

Shawn and Gus exchanged a glance before simultaneously swatting him over the head.

"Ow!" Riley complained. "What did I do?"

"You didn't know who the Beatles or Elvis Presley – pay attention to the pronunciation – were," Shawn said, unrepentantly.

"Fine though both of them are, they hardly count as classical music," Gus protested.

Shawn snorted. "Maybe not in the 21st century but clearly people from the…whatever century this is have better taste."

"Riley couldn't even pronounce them and any idiot can pronounce Beethoven and Mozart back home," Gus pointed out.

"That is because Riley is a philistine," Shawn said as if it were obvious.

"Hey!" Riley protested.

"Shawn, you think that Beethoven is a dog," Gus reminded him.

"A dog whose name I can pronounce," Shawn corrected him.

"Do you two know the answer or what?" Riley demanded. "We're kind of in a hurry."

"Elvis," Shawn said confidently.

"Are you sure?" Riley asked.

"I once spent a week living at a record store," Shawn explained. "Trust me, I'm sure."

Shawn's phone buzzed and Gus glanced down. "It's the Doctor. He said Korwin's fever is gone so it looks like the sun particles were what was causing the infection."

Shawn nodded Riley's way. "Good man. You just saved your fellow crewmember's life and perhaps the lives of everyone aboard this ship."

"Assuming that we don't all crash into the sun," Riley murmured.

"I thought that went without saying, really, but to each his own," Shawn replied.

"Does this mean you won't be arresting us?" Riley asked hopefully.

"As long as you properly upgrade the minute you get someplace that has the necessary equipment," Shawn said seriously.

Riley nodded earnestly. "Oh, absolutely! Thank you so much!"

"Our work isn't done yet, citizen," Shawn declared dramatically. " To the next door!"

"What is Riley's favorite color?" Riley asked. "Oh, that's an easy one. Aquamarine."

Shawn made a face. "Oh, how pretentious. Why can't you just say blue like a normal person?"

"Because it's not really blue," Riley protested. "It's a shade between green and blue, although further on the blue end of the spectrum. It-"

"We really don't care," Shawn cut him off.

"Fine," Riley sniffed, looking almost hurt. "Be that way. Door 25: What is the only word in the English language that has all five vowels in consecutive order?"

"Facetious," Gus answered.

"This isn't a spelling bee, Gus," Shawn told him.

Gus coughed. "I wasn't about to-"

"Whatever you say," Shawn said consolingly.

"Name the four Teletubbies," Riley read off, "by color."

"Oh, I've got this one!" Shawn exclaimed triumphantly. "And you said that watching that show was killing your childhood."

"It was!" Gus insisted. "The fact that this happens to also be saving our lives does not change that!"

"The purple one is Tinky-Winky, the green one is Dipsy, the yellow one is Laa-Laa, and the red one is – coincidentally, I'm sure – Po," Shawn informed them.

"For all that you make fun of me for the math and the spelling thing, it's really a wonder I haven't disowned you for watching that show," Gus said, shaking his head.

"Oh, please, Gus," Shawn scoffed. "You know that I'd manage to disown you first any day."

"Name the twelfth president of the United States," Riley told them.

"I'm going to go with Lincoln," Shawn guessed.

"Don't enter that!" Gus cried out. "Let's see…I saw that Animaniacs president song on Youtube not that long ago. 'Martin Van Buren, number eight for a one-term shot as chief of state. William Harrison, how do you praise, that guy was dead in thirty days. John Tyler he liked country folk and after him came President Polk. Zachary Taylor liked to smoke, his breath killed friends whenever he spoke.' It's Zachary Taylor."

"I know I have no room to talk as I haven't heard of any of those people," Riley began slowly, "but it seems like it would just be easier to remember them rather than remember a song about them."

"You'd think so," Gus agreed, "but it's not."

"What is the final line to Shakespeare's 'Love's Labour's Won'?" Riley asked.

"Oh, that you pronounce right," Shawn said contemptuously. "I have no idea. 'Leave without a fuss'?"

"No, that wasn't actually part of the play," Gus disagreed. "I can't believe you don't know this, Shawn! We saw the first performance!"

"And how invested would you say I was in the performance?" Shawn asked rhetorically.

Gus sighed. " 'Behold the swainish sight of woman's love. Pish! It's out of season to be heavy disposed,'" he quoted.

"Blank is not a single fruit but a cluster of up to two hundred fruitlets," Riley read off.

Shawn smirked. "Oh, that's easy. Pineapples."

"What are 'the shadows that melt the flesh'?" Riley asked.

"I've got nothing," Shawn admitted. "Gus?"

Gus called the Doctor again.

"Still no luck," the Doctor told him. "How is it going on your end?"

"We're on question 20, I think," Gus reported. "Do you have any idea what 'the shadows that melt the flesh' are?"

"Vashta Nerada," the Doctor informed him.

"Vashta Nerada," Gus called out.

"Nasty creatures, the Vashta Nerada," the Doctor said conversationally. "They live in darkness and will eat your flesh. If you ever get two shadows then it's already too late."

"The only psychopath to kill you kindly," Riley read off.

"Waldo," Shawn said immediately.

"Shawn, Waldo is not a serial killer!" Gus cried out. "Honestly!"

"This bears explanation," the Doctor said, intrigued.

"You want to explain that?" Riley asked at the same time.

"What's to explain?" Shawn asked innocently. "Waldo starts off in Santa's workshop, a là Elf, and one days he grows to be too big to be able to maneuver comfortably about the workshop. UNLIKE Elf, however, Waldo had no father in New York and thus had no choice but to stay at Santa's workshop. Eventually, though, he hit his head on the ceiling one too many times and picked up a pick-axe…"

"What? What?" Riley asked, anxiously.

Shawn sighed sadly. "You can imagine what happened next. Santa tried to restrain him, but he quickly outgrew all of the elf-sized restraining systems. He had nothing better to do, so he figured he might as well go to New York anyway. Everything was fine there until this little girl made fun of his hat. Because, you know, it IS as stupid hat. And so he picked up another pick-axe and became a mass murderer. That explains why people are always taking pictures of him and why people are always looking for him. Waldo is an expert killer who leaves no witnesses. If someone trains a camera on him, he steps out into the open, smiles and waves at the camera, then fades back into the shadows. So the only way to save your life when he's near is to always travel with a camera. That's why I'm glad I have a camera-phone."

"It's a children's book," Gus protested.

"Yes, well so is Hiroshima No Pika, the touching story of the atom bomb. And Who Cares About Disabled People? which, regardless of its message, has a title that speaks for itself. What about I Wish Daddy Didn't Drink So Much or Outside Over There which was the inspiration for the 'The Labyrinth'?" Shawn demanded. "The House That Crack Built teaches how drug-dealers live in sweet mansions. And Sometimes My Mommy Gets Angry? That story terrifies children by showing them that seemingly normal parents can snap at any time and you know that if Annie's grandmother really cared about her she'd do more than offer platitudes on the phone."

"Those can't be real books," Riley said, looking disturbed. "Let alone children's books."

"They can and they are," Shawn insisted. "All you need to know about The Poodle-Pug-Dachshund-Pinscher is that it was published in 1940 by Nazis. Latawnya, The Naughty Horse, Learns to Say No to Drugs has horses OD-ing. As for Alfies Home…let's just say it's about childhood sexual abuse and leave it at that for everyone's sanity."

"Just because some people clearly don't understand what's age-appropriate for children…or should ever be allowed near a child ever again…doesn't mean that Waldo is a serial killer!" Gus argued.

"You stick to your story, I'll stick to mine," Shawn told him.

Gus closed his eyes and counted to ten in his head. "Doctor, do you have any idea what the only psychopaths to kill you kindly are?"

"The Weeping Angels," the Doctor told them. "Now, while this has been fascinating – and disturbing – I need to get back to work."

"Next question," Riley told them. "Which children's book character was widely believed to be a camera-shy serial killer?"

\----

"We are so good at this," Shawn declared, pleased, after the last question had been answered, the ship had been restarted, and they had headed back to the room the TARDIS was in to meet up with the Doctor.

"You are so very bad at this," the Doctor argued, coming up behind them.

"What do you mean?" Riley demanded. "We saved the day and everything!"

"With three seconds to spare," McDonnell said pointedly. "There was literally three seconds to impact when you managed to abort it."

"So we cut it a little close," Shawn said, unconcerned. "The important thing is that we're not dead right now."

"I agree," Gus said, nodding. "It might have been a little less nerve-wracking if we had, say, five minutes to spare but it all worked out."

"You had over half an hour to answer thirty questions and no unexpected complications," the Doctor said flatly.

"I wouldn't say we had no interruptions," Gus argued. "We did, after all, manage to cure Korwin."

"Hey, don't pin this on me!" Korwin told them.

"That happened well before the twenty-minute mark," Scannell pointed out.

"Some of those questions were hard," Riley defended.

"And some of those questions asked your favorite color and the date of our maiden voyage," Scannell retorted. "If you had actually stayed on task and not wasted so much time bickering then you wouldn't have cut it so close!"

"Maybe not but it doesn't matter just how close we cut it because we still pulled it off," Shawn said defiantly.

Ashton rolled his eyes. "You can't use the fact that you happened to be fine to justify your irresponsibility!"

"I don't see why not," Shawn disagreed. "You're welcome, by the way. I doubt anyone else on this ship besides maybe the Doctor could have answered those questions."

"Yeah, I hadn't even heard of Elvis Presley and the Beatles," Riley defended them, pronouncing them correctly this time.

The Doctor sighed wistfully. "Now that sounds like an amazing team-up…"

"I'm still not convinced that we couldn't have saved Korwin without dumping all of our fuel but what's done is done, I suppose," McDonnell said reluctantly.

"I did run a scan on the sun and found out that it was alive," the Doctor pointed out. "So chances are that that really was our best chance. That poor star…make sure to let people know about it, okay? It needs to be cared for and protected like any other living thing so we can make sure that nothing like this happens again."

" 'That poor star'?" McDonnell couldn't believe it. "It tried to kill us!"

"You ripped out its heart," the Doctor countered. "It was really self-defense."

"How were we supposed to know that it was alive?" McDonnell demanded.

"We went over this," the Doctor said tiredly. "The rudimentary scan you should have performed before mining fuel from there and don't even start with me about worrying about getting caught because everyone on the ship knew what you were doing and no one else was anywhere nearby!"

"But we didn't know!" McDonnell said again. "It was an honest mistake and it tried to destroy us!"

"What difference does the fact you didn't know make, particularly in light of the fact that you should have known?" the Doctor asked her rhetorically. "If you encounter an alien race one day that tries to cut out your heart for fuel but 'didn't know' that you were alive, would you killing it in self-defense be acceptable?"

"That's different," McDonnell said stubbornly.

The Doctor sighed again. "Course it is. You lot are humans and it always is with you."

"Are you guys sure that you don't want a ride?" Gus asked anxiously.

Riley nodded. "It's a lovely offer but unnecessary. We have enough supplies to last us and have sent out an official mayday. The authorities will pick us up soon enough and if we went with you we'd have to abandon ship."

"I can understand not wanting to do that," the Doctor remarked, fondly patting the TARDIS' side.

"And when the authorities get here, we aren't going to tell them what happened," McDonnell said firmly. "We're just going to let them know we had some engine problems and the computer malfunctioned. We decided to scan the star and found out it was alive. We did nothing illegal and won't have to pay a fine. Is that okay with you, Doctor?"

The Doctor shrugged. "I don't intend to wait until the proper authorities get here so it's really not up to me. It was lovely meeting you all and do try to be more responsible in the future. Shawn, Gus?"

The pair also said their goodbyes and then followed the Doctor onto the TARDIS.

"I still can't believe that stupid internet campaign you started managed to become that big," Gus said, shaking his head in disgust. "I mean, really Shawn? Waldo?"

"I, for one, feel vindicated," Shawn said nobly. "Spread the awareness, Gus."

"Hey, do either of you mind if we head someplace freezing?" the Doctor asked them. "I haven't been skiing in awhile…"

"Sounds good," Gus told him.

"You know, Doctor, we've been doing this with you for quite awhile," Shawn began slowly.

The Doctor grinned. "Let me guess: you want TARDIS keys."

"If it wouldn't be too inconvenient," Gus told him.

The Doctor pulled two keys-on-a-string off of his neck. "Nah, I always care spares. You never know, after all."

"Does this mean we're going steady?" Shawn asked with perfect seriousness.


	10. Human Nature Part One

The central console of the TARDIS was sparking like mad which was never a good sign. The Doctor, Shawn, and Gus picked themselves up from the floor.

"Did they see you two?" the Doctor asked urgently.

"Probably," Gus replied. "They were shooting at us, after all."

"Yes, but did they see your faces?" the Doctor demanded.

Shawn laughed. "Doctor, they didn't even see your face because of these masks. And you said going to a lucha libre match was a bad idea."

"Just because we happened to get chased back to the TARDIS by people who probably won't be able to identify us now doesn't mean that you were being inspired or anything," Gus insisted. "It's a complete and utter coincidence."

"Be in denial if you must," Shawn sniffed.

The Doctor ran to the console and started pressing buttons. "That's even better than I'd hoped. Good thinking, Shawn. Off we go!"

"See?" Shawn asked smugly.

"Damn," the Doctor swore. "They're following us."

"But…the TARDIS can go anywhere at any time," Gus pointed out. "How can they manage to be following us?"

"Stolen technology, they've got a Time Agent's vortex manipulator," the Doctor said grimly. "They can follow us wherever we go, right across the universe…they're never going to stop."

"So what are we going to do?" Shawn demanded. "Keep running forever? Because that does not sound like the soundest of plans."

"No, that's too risky. Of course, everything's risky so I can't think of a better plan. Unless...I'll have to do it..." the Doctor murmured. "Shawn, you trust me, don't you?"

Shawn shrugged. "Well, you haven't gotten us killed so far."

"And what about you, Gus?" the Doctor asked, turning to him.

Gus shook his head. "Nuh-uh. No way. I have been friends with Shawn for far too many years to fall for something like that. I am not agreeing to anything before I know what it is."

"That's probably a good policy," the Doctor admitted. "A little boring but smart."

"So what are you thinking?" Gus asked, his voice filled with trepidation. "What is 'it'?"

The Doctor dived below the console and reappeared moments later holding an ancient-looking pocket watch. "See this watch? I'm going to need you to be very careful with it because this watch is me. Well, not yet. It's going to be me."

"Be more cryptic," Shawn challenged.

"Those creatures are hunters," the Doctor explained. "They can sniff out anyone and because I'm the last of the Time Lords, I'm unique and I'll be even easier to spot. If they didn't have a vortex manipulator then we wouldn't need to worry but they do so we do."

"Well that sucks," Shawn declared bluntly.

Despite himself, the Doctor laughed. "Yes, Shawn, yes it does. Fortunately, between these masks and the fact they started shooting at us from a distance, they only know what I smell like, not what I look like."

"Well, you do have a pretty distinctive odor," Gus told him. "But how does that help us? Can you change your scent? Block their sense of smell?"

The Doctor started to shake his head, stopped, and nodded. "Sort of. You see, I'm going to need to change my scent but in a less superficial way than I could achieve by putting on cologne or something like that. The scent that these hunters are after and thus the scent I need to rid myself of is my Time Lord essence."

"That sounds hard," Shawn remarked. "Like really hard. Crazy hard. Even, if I may, impossible hard. You're a Time Lord so how can you not smell like one?"

"Normally it would be impossible," the Doctor agreed. "But I just happen to have a Chameleon Arch on board my TARDIS and I've always been curious so why not?"

"What's a Chameleon Arch?" Gus asked. "I mean, chameleon obviously so it's going to disguise you but how?"

"It's going to turn me human," the Doctor said excitedly.

"And then what?" Shawn asked, clearly expecting something more.

The Doctor shrugged. "And then we wait. You two will need to make sure that I don't get any of us killed, enter into any long-term commitments that would make leaving inconvenient, or lose the watch that's storing my essence."

"Wait for how long?" Gus asked suspiciously.

"Well, their life's bound to be running out or they wouldn't risk going up against a Time Lord," the Doctor reasoned.

"What?" Gus demanded, his eyes bulging. "You want us to wait with you as a human until the bad guys die of old age? Are you serious?"

"Deadly," the Doctor confirmed. "I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. I think I've actually come across their species before. They're not a long-living species and if all goes according to plan then we'll never really know when they're dead so I'd say waiting three months is a good bet. Three months isn't so bad, is it?"

"That really depends on where those three months are," Shawn spoke up. "Let me tell you, those last three months that I lived with my father…I've had whole years that have taken less time to pass."

"I'll have you know right now that I reserve the right to veto any place that I can't live with," Gus announced. "For instance, if we're going back to a time and place that even carries the possibility that someone might mistake me for one of you guy's slave then I'm going home right now."

"Of course we wouldn't expect that," the Doctor was quick to assure him. "I'm sure the TARDIS will take that into consideration when deciding, at random, where we're going."

"Why is the TARDIS deciding at random instead of letting us pick?" Shawn wanted to know. "We could go someplace nice. Oh, I know! You could come back to Santa Barbara with us for three months and just chill."

Behind the Doctor's back, Gus made frantic 'stop' motions as Shawn had inadvertently just reminded the Doctor of their home.

"There are several reasons for that," the Doctor told them. "First off, you may not have noticed this but the TARDIS does not always take me where I want to go."

Gus snorted. "We noticed."

"Like that time we tried to go to EuroDisney and ended up on a planet with cannibals and poison rain," Shawn reminded them.

"I still don't see why you'd want to go to EuroDisney anyway," Gus said, frowning. "I mean, it's…EuroDisney."

"I know," Shawn agreed. "But it's my goal in life to hit every theme park I come across."

"Aside from that, there's the fact that if these people find me then things might get violent and you'd be putting the people you know and love in harm's way," the Doctor continued.

"The people we spend time with tend to be cops," Shawn said, unconcerned. "Cops with guns."

"Some of them unhealthily attached to those guns," Gus added.

"And I'd be difficult to explain away," the Doctor insisted.

"Not really," Shawn disagreed. "People expect this kind of stuff from me by now."

"We'd probably be able to better protect you in our own world than in some random place the TARDIS is going to choose," Gus said sensibly.

The Doctor made a face. "See, everything you're saying makes a whole lot of sense and it's very kind of you to offer, it's just…do you have any idea how domestic that all sounds?"

Shawn snorted. "Please, Doctor. How long have you known me?"

The Doctor shook his head. "I'm sorry, Shawn, but Gus' family lives there, too. I'm just not prepared to risk it."

"Hey," Gus protested half-heartedly, fully aware that this was true. "Well tell me this: if these hunters can follow us anywhere because they can time travel, too, and so you need to hide your essence until they die, what's to stop them from hopping to some point in the future or past in order to get to us?"

"Nothing, technically, which is why it's so important that they don't see our faces," the Doctor replied.

"Could you…elaborate?" Shawn requested.

"What? Oh, of course. The hunters can sense where I am at this exact moment. It doesn't matter if we're in 2007 and they're in 1873. They'd be able to tell where and when I am at this moment, despite the different times, and find me. If they knew where I'd be at some point in the future or past then they could lie in ambush but they don't and since they don't know who we are, they won't be able to. Sure they could skip ahead six months past the point where they should die but they won't find us as I'll be in human form. Does that make sense?" the Doctor asked.

Gus nodded. "I think so. It doesn't matter when and where they look because they'll only have three months of searching."

"Or as much as time travel ever makes sense," Shawn said. "I've learned to just go with it."

"So are we agreed to do this?" the Doctor asked them seriously. "Because it really is the only way but I can't do it without your complete cooperation."

"I'm game," Shawn said affably. "Well…as long as I can borrow your psychic paper for this. I mean, you obviously won't even remember it and we might need it because God knows you won't be able to bail us out if something happens."

" 'Something'?" the Doctor repeated suspiciously.

"Something," Shawn repeated unrepentantly. "You know how these things tend to go."

"I guess I'm okay with it, too," Gus said, sighing. "But why do we even need to hide? Is there no way of dealing with them that doesn't involve them dying of old age? Even if it won't take that long, it's the whole idea of it that's bothering me."

"We could kill them, I suppose," the Doctor conceded. "Or lock them up until they die. We could even keep them artificially alive. The problem is, though, that we don't know of any heinous crimes they've done that would make them deserve it."

"They're trying to kill you," Gus pointed out.

"And if I held a grudge every time that happened, I'd never get to go back to any place," the Doctor said matter-of-factly. "Besides, I can understand the temptation. I just want to give them a chance to live out the rest of their natural lives. Now, if I were you two I'd leave the room. This process is going to rewrite literally every cell in my body and it's going to be ugly and painful. Come back in about an hour and get me out of the TARDIS before human-me wakes up in here and freaks out."

\----

Shawn and Gus elected to go swimming while they waited but it was a little difficult to properly enjoy themselves knowing what the Doctor was going through at that very moment and what they would soon be asked to go through.

Finally, a little over an hour later, they came back to the console and found the Doctor slumped on the ground with a strange device on his head which they removed and set off to the side somewhere. Gus felt for his heartbeat and discovered that he only had one heart.

"It looks like the Doctor's left us a message," Shawn noted, pointing towards a blinking red button. "Well, either that or there's something wrong with the TARDIS. Since the Doctor's human now, we'd be pretty much screwed so I vote for that first one."

"You can't just decide that which one it's going to be, Shawn," Gus told him.

Shawn shook his head defiantly. "Nonsense! I can if I use the power of positive thinking!" With that, he promptly slammed his hand down the button.

To both of their reliefs, the screen lit up with an image of the Doctor sitting in front of some sort of camera in that very room. "This working?" he asked, tapping the screen. "Shawn, Gus, before I change here's a list of instructions for when I'm human. One, don't let me hurt anyone. We can't have that, but you know what humans are like."

"Hey!" Shawn objected. "I find that speciest!"

"You really have to wonder why he wanted to know what it was like to be a human so badly if he's convinced that he's going to be some kind of thug," Gus said idly.

Shawn laughed. "I'm not quite sure that he's thug material…"

"Two, don't worry about the TARDIS, I'll put it on emergency power so they can't detect it, just let it hide away. Four- no, wait a minute, three," the Doctor corrected himself. "No getting involved in big historical events. I mean it. That's dangerous enough when I'm there and I'm just saying this out of concern for the time stream, not out of jealousy of any potential historical events I'd miss out on or wouldn't get to properly appreciate by being human."

"So humans can't properly appreciate historical events?" Gus asked indignantly.

Oblivious to Gus' outrage, the Doctor blithely continued. "Four- you. Don't let me abandon you."

"Why is he so worried that he's going to abandon us?" Shawn asked. "That's a little worrying."

"And five! Very important, five. Don't let me eat pears. I hate pears! John Smith is a character I made up but I won't note that. I'll think I am him and he might do something stupid like eat a pear. In three months I don't want to wake up from being human and taste that."

"He really doesn't like pears…" Gus said, shaking his head. "But really? He'll be able to taste it weeks later?"

"I don't think it's that strange," Shawn replied. "It kind of reminds me of my relationship with artichokes."

"You're just being dramatic," Gus accused.

"Says the guy who insists that he can smell burnt popcorn for two weeks after it happened," Shawn retorted.

"Six, don't let me get a haircut. This should almost go without saying since I know Shawn appreciates the importance of a good hairstyle but I want to make absolutely sure. Seven, try not to let me get grievously injured. I'll heal up the minute I return but who wants three months of memories of sitting in a hospital? Eight, if I'm about to die – in which case there had better be a damn good explanation – then open the watch. Hopefully enough time will have passed to make dealing with those hunters easier. Nine, don't hold anything I say against me. I'm going to be an average man with average values which aren't always the most enlightened," the Doctor continued.

"That's one way of putting it," Gus said wryly.

"Ten, guard that watch with your life. Remember, if anything happens to it then I won't be able to return and so you'll be stuck here for the rest of your lives since you can't fly the TARDIS. Eleven, don't let me enter into any long-term commitments. That always makes leaving so much more complicated than it has to be. Twelve, don't let me wear anything that you won't let me live down. Thirteen, I run across aliens a lot. If I happen to come across some as John Smith, don't let me get involved, I won't know what I'm doing. Fourteen, I really wasn't joking about those pears. In fact, don't even let me be in the same room with them just to be on the safe side. Fifteen, I did leave the psychic paper for you after all, Shawn, please don't make me regret this. Sixteen, the sonic screwdriver should stay in the TARDIS unless there's an emergency. I don't want anyone from the past getting their hands on something like that."

"Sweet!" Shawn cheered.

"You know this is only temporary, right?" Gus asked him.

"All I need is a foot in the door," Shawn claimed.

"Seventeen, don't let me become boring. If I appear to be in danger of becoming boring, force me to talk to Shawn. Eighteen, if I start to have dreams of my real life, assure me that they are only dreams and don't let me go telling everybody about them. Nineteen, when I wake up human I'm going to be confused and disoriented so you'll need to establish yourselves in my life quickly. I should retain enough residual awareness to let you in but if you don't want my mind to fill in who you are, talk quickly. Twenty, I know that we normally pretty much eschew the cultural norms of the places we visit but we're here to blend in so try to follow them the best you can. Twenty-one, no drawing my attention to the watch unless you want me to accidentally open it. Twenty-two, don't let me see the TARDIS. It might bring something back. And twenty three. If anything goes wrong, if they find us, then you know what to do. Open the watch."

"It just looks like an ordinary watch," Gus said dubiously, picking it up and examining it.

"Everything I am is kept safe in there," the Doctor disagreed. "Now, I've put a perception filter on it so the human me won't think anything of it, to him it's just a watch. But don't open it unless you have to. Because once it's open, then the Family will be able to find me. It's all down to you. Your choice. Oh, and- thank you."

"Well…I guess we should get the Doctor outside of the TARDIS so he won't wake up here," Shawn said. "Or rather, John Smith."

The pair picked the Doctor up and carried him outside of the TARDIS which was hidden in an old stone barn near some woods. Then they sat down to wait.

Fortunately, they didn't have long to wait as within a few minutes, the Doctor's eyes fluttered open. "What?" he murmured.

Shawn wasted no time asserting his role in the John's life. "Big brother! Are you okay?"

"Yes, I think so," John Smith said, sitting up. "What happened?"

Shawn frowned. "Oh, that's not a good sign. We were just walking and all of a sudden you collapsed. Maybe I'd better ask you some questions to make sure you didn't hit your head or anything. What year is this?"

"1913," John replied promptly.

"And we are going?" Shawn prompted.

"To Farringham School for Boys where I will be a professor of history," John answered.

"In England?" Shawn asked, unsurprised.

John nodded. "But of course. You will be teaching physical education."

"And what about Gus?" Shawn asked, almost not wanting to hear the answer.

"He's our long-time servant who we hope to find a place at the school since we won't be needing one," John replied.

Behind John's back, Gus started twitching.

\----

Somehow or other, Shawn and – mostly – Gus had managed to survive two months of being trapped in 1913 although Shawn threatened to open the watch at least twice a day leaving Gus, who was having a far more miserable time, to convince him not to.

"This is ridiculous," Shawn complained as they headed to John's room. "Why do I have to be up at this unseemly hour?"

"Because you have class in an hour," Gus reminded him.

"So?" Shawn asked. "It's gym. The only reason they need me there is so they don't start wailing on that Latimer kid again. Can you believe that those boys can actually get permission from their teachers to do just that?"

"You don't let them, do you?" Gus asked worriedly.

Shawn waved his hand lazily. "Of course not!"

"Then why are you their favorite teacher?" Gus wanted to know.

Shawn snorted. "Please. They get to play dodge ball for an hour every day? What's not to like?"

Gus waited patiently.

"And…I may or may not have convinced them that I was psychic," Shawn admitted.

"Isn't that dangerous, Shawn? We are in 1913, after all," Gus reminded him. "I mean, it may be a little past the witch hunts but this still isn't a very tolerant time. They might think you're a gypsy or something and run you out of the school."

"That sounds like an excellent excu…I mean, opportunity to open the watch," Shawn said brightly.

Gus quietly opened the door to John's room and rolled the breakfast tray in, Shawn following right behind him.

"Pardon me, Mr. Smith, you're not dressed yet. I can come back later," Gus said once he saw that John was sitting up in bed, writing in a notebook.

"No, it's alright, it's alright. Put it down," John instructed, standing up and pulling on a dressing gown.

"Sweet!" Shawn cheered. "I'm starving." He promptly stole a piece of bacon and a biscuit from the Doctor's plate.

"Shawn," John chastised. "What have I told you about stealing my breakfast?"

"Not to," Shawn replied, taking a bite out of his pilfered goods. "Why?"

"Do you think that maybe you could actually listen to my request?" John asked pointedly.

"But I did listen!" Shawn protested innocently. "I even just repeated it back to you. I'm starting to think that maybe you're the one who isn't listening, John."

John rolled his eyes. "Do you think maybe you could actually adhere to my repeated request? You do this every day, Shawn."

"And yet you never learn," Shawn mused. "I'm sure I could."

"But you won't," John concluded.

"I think we might be making progress," Shawn said cheerfully. "Gus, do you think we're making progress?"

"I'm sure I don't know, Mr. Smith," Gus said stiffly. Unlike Shawn, he put a modicum of effort into fitting in in 1913.

"I just don't understand why you insist on this childish behavior," John complained. "You have your own breakfast delivered to your room every day and yet you insist on eating mine."

Shawn shrugged. "Yours tastes better. So what are you doing up? I didn't wake up until Gus here brought me my breakfast."

"So you've already eaten?" John asked, aghast. "I don't know why I bother being surprised anymore, I really don't. To answer your question, I had that dream again."

"Is it that dream where you're on the Titanic and you meet this really hot redhead who is trapped in a loveless engagement with this wealthy but unpleasant man so she and her mother can continue their upper-class existence?" Shawn asked.

"That's the plot of Titanic," Gus spoke up. "Sir."

Shawn tilted his head. "That doesn't make any sense. Why would my brother be dreaming about the Titanic?"

"I wouldn't," John replied. "But this dream is no less strange. I dream I'm this…Adventurer. This...daredevil, a madman. 'The Doctor', I'm called. And last night I dreamt that you two were there, as my... companions."

"What's so odd about that?" Shawn asked. "I mean, Gus and I were traveling with you to the school, after all. If you're going to be dreaming you're someone far more interesting than you are, why can't we be in the dream, too?"

"Yes, but I trusted Gus with more than I was willing to trust you with," John argued. He stopped. "Although if we're just talking from a purely responsible standpoint…That reminds me. You still have my watch."

"Your what?" Shawn asked blankly.

"The watch that father gave me when I graduated from university," John told him.

"But you never use it," Shawn protested. "And it looks ever so stylish with my hair!"

"But it's mine," John protested. "And it's very important to me."

"John, the minute we got here you put it on your mantel place and didn't touch it for a week. I swear that it was gathering dust," Shawn declared dramatically. "I borrowed it and it took you another five weeks to even notice!"

"Well I'd like it back soon, alright? I may not use it but I'm far less likely to lose it or get it destroyed," John said reasonably.

"You'll have it back within the month," Shawn promised. "And that's really the best I can do."

Gus gave Shawn a pointed look.

"Oh, right! So…do you dream of anyone named Rose?" Shawn asked casually.

John gave him a strange look. "How did you…have you been reading my Journal of Impossible Things?"

"I don't believe in the word 'impossible' so something like that sounds far too lacking in imagination for my tastes," Shawn claimed.

John laughed. "Little brother, these dreams are most certainly not lacking in imagination. They actually remind me a bit of you. They seem far more like something you'd enjoy than something that I would."

"So, about Rose?" Shawn asked, not about to be deterred.

John nodded. "I have been dreaming about her, actually. She has blonde hair, which is strange because her eyebrows were black. She has brown eyes and is very beautiful, very kind. She's smart and always so brave, even when she's afraid. I like her a great deal in my dreams which is why what happened is so sad."

"What did happen?" Shawn asked eagerly.

"There's this other world, you see. It's not another planet, it's this planet only things are different. People who are supposed to be dead are alive and vice versa. Just…things are different," John struggled to explain.

"A parallel universe," Gus surmised.

John nodded. "Yes, that's what it was called. Rose got trapped in a parallel universe and the Doctor is never going to see her again."

"That seriously sucks," Shawn told him. "I'm sorry."

John smiled quizzically at him. "Whatever for? It's not real."

\----

Later that day, Gus was scrubbing floors with a maid named Jenny when John walked by.

"Good day, sir," Gus called out.

"Yes, hi," John said absentmindedly.

"That one always has his head in the clouds," Jenny noted. "I'm not sure he even really notices you're there."

"Maybe not," Gus conceded. "But at least he's very polite. Not everyone's that considerate, particularly considering…"

"You're American?" Jenny supplied.

"Why does the rest of the world hate us?" Gus wondered. "I mean, we mostly just ignore them."

"Maybe they don't like being ignored," Jenny suggested.

"Well it's not like things will get any better when we stop ignoring them," Gus remarked.

Two of the older boys walked by and stopped right in front of them.

"Ah, now then, you two," one of them said haughtily. "You're not paid to have fun, are you? Put a little backbone into it. Carry on your disgusting little love affair on your own time."

"You, there. What's your name again?" the other asked Gus.

"Frederick Douglass," Gus deadpanned.

"Tell me then, Douglass. With hands like those, how can you tell when something's clean?" he asked cruelly.

"Hutchinson, Baines, detention," Shawn said lazily, leaning over the staircase banister.

"But why, sir?" Baines demanded.

"Appalling lack of historical knowledge," Shawn replied. "Honestly, what is my brother teaching you? You can go now."

Grumbling, the two went on their way.

"What do you want, Shawn?" Gus demanded.

Jenny's eyes widened at that.

"I'm bored," Shawn complained. "Entertain me."

"I'm busy," Gus said firmly. "So unless you'd like to help…"

Shawn laughed. "Like hell."

"Why don't you go bother John?" Gus hinted.

"I would except he's apparently not up to flirting and walking at the same time and fell down a flight of stairs," Shawn explained. He shook his head in shame. "Sometimes, it's hard to believe that I'm really related to that man."

Gus rolled his eyes. "I wonder why that is…"

"Pardon me, sir, I know it's not really my place but I was wondering…if you're Mr. Smith's brother and he's British then why do you sound American?" Jenny spoke up.

Shawn shrugged. "I went on a trip to America a few years ago – actually where I met Gus – and fell in love with the accent. It makes me sound like I have a much better dental plan than an English accent would and that's very important."

Gus froze. "Wait…did you just say he fell down a flight of stairs?" He stood up and turned to Jenny. "I'm sorry but do you think you can finish without me? I've really got to see this."

With that, he ran upstairs.

Shawn watched him leave. "What's with him?"

\----

"And I'm telling you, I know what I saw," Gus said stubbornly. "It was a bit repressed since this is 1913 and all but they were most definitely flirting. She was hinting about the dance and he clearly wanted to invite her but thank God John's shy about these things. He told her about the journal – he let her borrow it! – and he had a cute little moment with her where she proved he had two hearts."

"Well what do you want me to do about it?" Shawn demanded.

"I don't know! I just know that it's not 'my place' to do anything but as John's brother, Matron Redfern might actually listen to you," Gus told him, frustrated. "Why didn't the Doctor give us any instructions about him developing feelings for anyone? He warned us about the pears twice!"

"Well, he did tell us not to let him form any long-term commitments," Shawn pointed out. "But as for why not love specifically, I think it's because he himself is still hung up on Rose."

"And he didn't seem to really think of John as a person in his own right," Gus said thoughtfully. "But he's not going to be pleased if we let him get involved with Redfern and then turn him back. Look, there she is now."

"Fine, fine…" Shawn sighed. "Matron Redfern!" he called out.

Joan turned his way. "Oh, Mr. Smith."

"Listen, I need to speak with you about my brother," Shawn told her. "It's a somewhat delicate matter, I'm afraid."

"Of course," Joan agreed immediately. "Is something the matter?"

"It's possible," Shawn confirmed. "I noticed that you may in the future form an…attachment to John."

"Would that be so terrible?" Joan challenged.

"It wouldn't be if it weren't for Rose," Shawn told her as inspiration struck.

Joan's eyes narrowed. "Rose? Who is Rose?"

"John's wife," Shawn revealed.

Joan's back stiffened. "John did not seem like the sort of man to-"

"He's not," Shawn was quick to assure her. "It's just…I do hope I have your word that this conversation will stay between us."

"Of course," Joan said crisply. "What happened with Rose?"

"Two years ago she met a man, an Italian. She left with him," Shawn revealed awkwardly. "John…he loves Rose. He always has and he's blind to her character flaws. He thinks that she's dead and we didn't have the heart to let him know the truth. It wasn't a problem until we got here as he's been in mourning all this time but now…"

"I understand," Joan told him. "Really, I do. That's not the kind of story you want to be widely known. But just the same, you have to tell him. You're not always going to be there to stop him from accidentally becoming a bigamist."

"Normally, we would," Shawn assured her, his mind racing. "I'm not expecting my brother to be in mourning forever. It's just that Rose has gotten sick. According to her last letter, the doctors don't expect her to last the year. It would be quite inappropriate for him to form an attachments until she's gone but once we receive news of her death…"

"I see," Joan said, her face absolutely unreadable, even to Shawn. "That is good to know. Thank you, Mr. Smith. Don't worry, I will keep this between us."


	11. Human Nature Part Two

John stared moodily at his dinner.

"John, I'm starting to get concerned," Shawn told him seriously. "I mean, I've already stolen half of your dinner and barely touched mine and yet you haven't said anything. You haven't even commented on the fact that I'm having pineapple for dinner even though you've done that every night for the past two months! Are you sick or something?"

John sighed heavily but didn't respond.

Shawn took his fork and prodded John on the elbow, really wishing social conventions would let Gus be there with him to deal with this. "John?"

John started. "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

Shawn took a deep breath before saying some of his least favorite words. "Are you alright?"

John forced a smile. "Oh yes, absolutely fine! Why wouldn't I be?"

If this had been earlier in their acquaintance, Shawn might have actually believed him. "John."

Another sigh. "It's nothing, really."

"Well if it's nothing then why don't you tell me about it?" Shawn asked sensibly.

"It's Joan. Matron Redfern," John corrected himself.

"What about her?" Shawn asked carefully.

"I ran into her right after lunch and she was so…I don't know. Different," John said, frustrated. He ran a finger through his hair. "Earlier today we were getting along so well! I was even going to ask her to the dance before I had that…accident. She even asked me to call her Joan! And then when I saw her again she was so professional and kept addressing me as 'Mr. Smith.' I just don't know what I did wrong."

He looked so miserable that Shawn almost regretted the fact that he had single-handedly ruined John's chances with the nurse. And what's more, Joan was a widow right before millions of young men would die in World War I so the odds of her finding someone besides John weren't high. If things were different, they might have been able to be really happy together. As it was, Shawn felt it was crueler to let them have another month in which they could fall in love before John disappeared into a part of the Doctor's mind.

The Doctor hadn't seemed to think that John would be a real person and not just a character but by now Shawn could see that he had been oh so very wrong about that. But still. Still when this month was over the Doctor would need to come back. It was his life, too, and expecting Shawn and Gus to spend the rest of their lives here wasn't fair. If John got himself killed one day then it would kill the Doctor, too, and that wasn't fair either. Then again, neither was giving John only three months total in which to live but it was a little late to change their minds about the Chameleon Arch. Shawn only hoped that the people that were hunting them didn't find them so all of this wouldn't be for nothing. The only thing Shawn could do to try and help was to give him less to leave behind and to hurt less people when John 'died.'

"Maybe you didn't do anything wrong," Shawn suggested. "Maybe she found out that we're only going to be here for a year before we head off to London."

"Plans can change!" John said almost fiercely. "Or she could come with us! And she knew how long we'd be staying when we first started. I just don't understand…"

Shawn snapped his fingers. "I know what would cheer you up! Let's head down to the pub after dinner."

\----

"You know, there's something weird about you two," John said, staggering a little as they left the pub.

"What do you mean, sir?" Gus asked nervously.

"You, especially. You're all deferential when it comes to me or the others but around Shawn…it's almost like you're friends or something," John marveled, shaking his head.

"I don't know what you-" Gus started to say.

"Hey Gus, what did I do with that psyc-with those credentials of ours? Did I leave them back at the pub?" Shawn interrupted.

"Here," Gus said, taking the psychic paper out of his pocket and passing it back to Shawn. "I grabbed it after you left it on the counter when you were convincing that redhead you were a member of parliament."

"See, that's what I mean, right there!" John exclaimed. He paused. "And you really shouldn't go around impersonating members of parliament. I don't think it's legal."

"It's only illegal if you get caught," Shawn said blithely.

"What kind of an attitude is that to take?" John demanded.

"Yeah, I really don't think certain people would have approved of you using the psychic paper to pick up women," Gus told him pointedly. "I mean, it's 1913! You could be ruining their lives!"

"Not if I'm responsible," Shawn countered. "And don't give me that look! I can be responsible! Who do you think got the owner to let the women into the bar anyway?"

"Now you're not even trying to pretend you have a proper master-servant relationship," John complained. "And what's this about you compromising ladies?"

Shawn shrugged. "What can I say? I don't like formalities. And I have not been, Gus is just exaggerating. Hey, what's that?"

"Don't try to change the subject," John ordered.

"No, really, look up in the sky," Shawn said, pointing up at a green light in the sky.

"There...a meteorite. It's just rocks falling to the ground, that's all," John told them. "Now stop trying to distract me!"

"I think it came down in the woods," Gus spoke up.

"No, no, no, they always look close, when actually they're miles off. Nothing left but a cinder," John said dismissively. "Now, about this impropriety-"

"We should go check it out," Shawn decided.

"I would really advise against that," John told them.

"You can go back to the school if you want but Gus and I are going to go look for it and make sure it really is a meteor," Shawn said firmly.

"Of course it's a meteor; what else would it be?" John demanded.

"Oh, I don't know, a flying saucer?" Shawn suggested.

John looked baffled. "A what? Why would a saucer be flying?"

"The term 'flying saucer' was first used in 1947, Shawn," Gus told him. "Kenneth Arnold, remember?"

Shawn groaned. "Oh, right. This place is almost making me feel guilty for the way I treated Frank. Almost but not quite."

"He probably wasn't Juliet's type," Gus was quick to assure him.

"That had very little to do with it," Shawn insisted. "Nothing, I mean. It had nothing to do with it."

"I'm with Freud on this one," Gus informed him.

"Does anyone care to explain to me what a flying saucer is?" John demanded.

"It's how people commonly refer to alien spaceships," Shawn explained. "Creatures from another world."

"Then why do they call them 'flying saucers'?" John asked.

Shawn shrugged. "I…guess Kenneth Arnold thought it looked like one?"

"And…you really think one of these creatures might have landed in the woods?" John asked skeptically.

"Yes and Gus and I are going to check it out while you go back to the school," Shawn repeated.

Gus snorted. "I am not going anywhere near those woods, Shawn."

"Oh, come on, buddy! I need you!" Shawn pleaded.

"And I know better than to go investigate strange sightings in the middle of the night in a forest with no cell phone coverage," Gus countered. "Especially while black."

"I can't go alone!" Shawn protested. "That would be even stupider than doing what you don't want to do!"

"Then don't do it," Gus suggested.

"But I have to!" Shawn exclaimed. "It might be something important and if I don't go I might end up missing something and regretting it."

Gus nodded John's way. "Then take him."

"I really don't think any of us should be going," John declared loudly. "And I think that we should discuss this impropriety instead."

"I can't take him! What if it's the people who have been hunting us? We'd lead him right to them!" Shawn exclaimed.

"Well you have the watch so that would be leading them to what they're after anyway," Gus pointed out.

John's brow wrinkled. "What does my watch have to do with any of this? This doesn't make any sense!"

"Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? Give it to him? He might open it," Shawn argued.

"Give it to me," Gus urged him.

"Why would I do that?" Shawn asked blankly. "You're coming with me."

"No, I am not," Gus insisted. "We can't just leave him alone if it really is the people hunting us. I should go with him and keep him safe."

Shawn laughed. "You really think he's going to let you anywhere near him right now? It's 1913, Gus."

"Well maybe we should open the watch," Gus suggested. "I mean, if it is them."

"But that's the problem, we don't know if it's them and I don't want to bring back the Doctor if it turns out that it was just a meteor after all or some other alien coming here by complete coincidence," Shawn replied.

John started. "The Doctor? You mean…my Doctor? The one from my dreams? What's that got to do with it?"

"But what if it's a complete coincidence and the aliens are malevolent or the TARDIS took us here so that we'd deal with these aliens?" Gus asked.

"But why would the TARDIS take us here now when we're supposed to be hiding instead of later when we could deal with it without this kind of complication?" Shawn asked reasonably.

Gus shrugged. "Maybe she doesn't approve of this hiding? Or, as you would say, 'who are we to question her'?"

"Point…" Shawn admitted.

John had had enough of being ignored. He put his fingers to his mouth and whistled loudly causing both Shawn and Gus to immediately turn to him.

"Stop ignoring me," he ordered. "Now tell me, what in the world are you two talking about?"

"We didn't mean to ignore you," Gus apologized. "It's just that sometimes we get a little too caught up in what we're talking about."

"Be honest, John: do you really think that you're going to believe us?" Shawn challenged.

John thought it over. "Probably not," he admitted.

"See?" Shawn asked triumphantly.

"Tell me anyway," John instructed. "That way if it turns out you're right later or even partially right then I'll know what's going on later."

"That's fair," Gus agreed, nodding. "You know those dreams you've been having? They're real."

"So so very real," Shawn agreed. "You're not really John Smith, you're the Doctor. I'm not really your brother but your friend, Shawn Spencer. Burton Guster is not really our servant but my best friend and we've been travelling with you for months now. Gus and I are from 2007. "

"I can't be an alien," John said, shaking his head. He felt for his heartbeat. "Joan checked. She even checked and I only have one heart."

"You turned yourself into a human," Gus explained. "We were being hunted by beings that were going to feed on your Time Lord essence so you became human two months ago and hid your essence in that watch. It had a perception filter on it so you wouldn't open it before the three months were up and they were dead so Shawn held onto it."

"This…this is ridiculous," John said faintly.

Shawn nodded. "Probably. You didn't want to kill the hunters if you didn't have to so you did this and the TARDIS – the blue box we use to travel – picked here for us to hide. We're worried that that 'meteor' was actually the hunters having found us so we're going to have to check it out."

"Shawn," Gus said warningly.

"One moment," Shawn said before pulling Gus off to the side and having a – mostly – silent argument with him.

Gus sighed once it was over. "It doesn't really matter if you believe us but we'd prefer it if you didn't go telling everybody while we go and investigate this ship."

To their surprise, John shook his head. "No, I don't think so. See, if you're wrong then I'd be in no danger but if you're not…I can't let you risk getting yourselves killed to protect me."

"But what will you be able to do?" Shawn asked him. "I mean, no offense but you're actually more vulnerable than we are since you've never done this before. Unless you open the watch, of course, but we've been kind of trying to avoid having it come to that."

"If it comes to that then you'd need me by your side," John said calmly. Too calmly.

Gus peered closely at him. "Are you okay?"

"Am I okay?" John repeated. "You've just told me that I am, in fact, really the Doctor and everything I think I know about myself up until two months ago is all a fabrication. You've told me that I have, at most, a month to live before I die. Either my brother has completely lost his mind or it's all true and you're my executioners. Why on Earth should I be okay?"

"You won't die, exactly," Shawn argued. "You'll just…gain another heart and regain all of your memories. It's like having amnesia, really."

"This body won't die, maybe, and all of my memories will remain but I will still die," John said stubbornly. "I won't even be a member of the same species! How could he…did he even think of me as a person when he condemned me to three months of life?"

Shawn didn't want to say it. "No. I'm sorry, but he didn't. He was wrong, but he didn't."

"Of course he's wrong! Of course I'm a person!" John burst out. "This…you're wrong. You have to be wrong but if you're not…This will kill me. You will kill me. Becoming the Doctor would kill me as surely as if I were shot because everything I am is so very much the opposite of him. I'm quiet and I blend in. He could never be that."

"We are so sorry," Gus told him sincerely. "We know that this isn't fair but…there really are no buts, are there? It is what it is."

"So it is," John echoed hollowly. "I don't believe you, you know, but I have to prove it to myself. Let us go then, and investigate, and see what's what."

\----

"I think this is it," Shawn said, slightly out of breath as they ran into a seemingly deserted clearing.

"And yet it's empty. What a surprise," John said, the slightest bit of relief in his voice. "No falling star, no 'flying saucer', nothing. Let's just get back to the school now."

"Leave already?" Gus couldn't believe it. "I did not just run all the way here from the pub to turn and leave without at least checking for something cloaked."

"Cloaked?" John repeated uncertainly.

Gus nodded. "Yes, cloaked. It means that something might be here only it would be invisible to the naked eye."

"If it's invisible then how do you intend to find it?" John challenged.

Gus bent down and scooped up a few rocks. "Trial and error," he said before tossing them every which way. One of the rocks hit its target and a pretty big area glowed briefly green.

"I think we found it," Shawn said unnecessarily. "Odds on this being the people who were hunting us?"

"This seems like too big of a coincidence," Gus told him. "We really should get out of here."

"Don't be silly," Shawn disagreed. "Then we'd give them the chance to track us down and attack. We have the advantage here!"

"In what universe does us basically bringing them the watch count as us having the advantage?" Gus demanded. "Because I hate to be the one to break it to you, Shawn, but we are not in that universe."

"Maybe we can find a way to blow up the ship, I don't know," Shawn said dismissively. "I'm sure we'll figure something out; we always do."

"And when we go up against aliens we always have the Doctor," Gus pointed out.

"My God…" John whispered, staring at the spot which had previously lit up in horror. "It's true. It's all true. Or at least…part of it's true. Give me the watch."

"What?" Shawn exclaimed. "Why?"

John rolled his eyes. "Why do you think?"

"We can't just give it to them!" Gus protested. "They'd live forever and go on terrorizing countless worlds."

"That wasn't what I was planning on doing with it," John said, a little affronted.

"Then…you want to open it," Shawn said with sudden realization.

John nodded. "Perhaps 'want' is too strong a word."

"I thought you said that it would be like killing you," Gus said slowly.

"It will be," John confirmed. "But on the other hand…if you're right about these…these aliens then what do you think they'll do to me? Likely kill me because I'm in the way or to make sure I can't reclaim 'my' essence. And who knows what they'll do to the school and the village once they get their way? How can I be sure they'd go away and not have a destructive victory party?"

Silently, Shawn handed him the watch.

Just as wordlessly, John opened it with shaking hands and was instantly bathed in golden light.

When he could be seen again, there was something slightly different but indefinable that was different about him and they knew it was the Doctor.

"Well," he said. "I'm pretty sure that you're right about these being the people after us. Good thinking to go after them now and not waiting until they start killing people."

"So…that's it?" Gus demanded. "After all that we're just going to kill them after all?"

"Of course not," the Doctor said, surprised. "I see no reason to do that. But we're definitely going to have to get rid of their ship, I see that now. We can drop them off on some deserted planet to live out their last month in peace afterwards. Say, Shawn, you don't have an odor."

"Thank you," Shawn said, pleased. "It's not easy to manage that in 1913 England."

"No, I mean that you literally do not have an odor," the Doctor amended. "Why is that?"

"Well…I do have this," Shawn admitted, pulling out a small device. "It is really difficult to smell nice here and I found this awhile back in the TARDIS so I figured I could make use of it. Was I not supposed to?"

"Oh, far from it," the Doctor said, grinning. "Simple olfactory misdirection…I can use this. I can definitely use this. They won't be able to smell the Time Lord essence on me so if you two are willing to play your part…"

"You're going to pretend that you're still in the watch and you're planning on turning yourself over to these hunters because you don't want to be you again and you definitely don't want them to kill us?" Gus asked.

The Doctor nodded. "That about sums it up. I'm going to need to stumble around a lot and 'accidentally' press all sorts of buttons to do it to make the ship explode so be ready to run on my signal."

"What signal?" Shawn asked.

"I think the word 'run' should cover it," the Doctor replied. "Normally, I'd do this alone but they're going to be able to sense the energy even if they can't smell it. Since they don't know about the watch, your testimony is going to be necessary to convince them."

"We had better get a vacation after this," Gus groused.

The Doctor nodded. "I think we could all use a vacation after this. I might even go somewhere restful as long as it isn't too restful."

"Hear hear!" Shawn cheered.

Gus groaned. "Let's just get this over with…"

\----

"But I don't understand. Who are you?" Baines was asking, huddled on the floor of the spacecraft.

Shawn groaned. "Damnit, Baines, can't you stay out of trouble for five minutes?"

Baines glanced over in surprise. "Professor? What are you doing here?"

Shawn rolled his eyes. "Right, because that's what's weird about all of this."

"Shawn, focus!" Gus ordered. "Remember what we came here to do. Or rather, who we came here to stop."

"Look," the Doctor said, managing to sound quite panicked. "I don't care what you say. I don't care what you think I am! I do not want to be this Time Noble thingy and I most certainly don't want to be hunted!"

"You can't change that," Gus argued. "It's who you are."

"Maybe it was once," the Doctor allowed. "But it certainly isn't anymore and if these people want this confounded watch then I say let them have it."

"The watch?" a strange, distorted voice asked, intrigued.

"But that's what's storing your Time Lord essence!" Shawn burst out. "They can't have that!"

"But they don't want me at all," the Doctor argued. "They want this. I don't want this. Why can't they just take it and leave me alone?"

"Because then they'll destroy the universe!" Gus cried out.

"I'm sure they won't do that," the Doctor said confidently. He glanced over at where he imagined they were. "You won't do that, will you?"

"Of course not," the alien voice claimed.

"Stop him!" Shawn shouted, jumping towards the Doctor who quite skillfully managed to press a series of buttons as he fell over.

"Get off of me!" the Doctor shouted, standing up. "This is my life and I will not have it stolen by some alien!" Shawn was still holding onto his leg so he stumbled again and pressed several other buttons. Finally, he managed to work himself free and tossed the watch at the hunters.

"This is the part where you leave," Gus whispered helpfully to Baines.

Baines shot him a condescending look. "Why should I listen to you? You're only a servant."

"Because you don't want to die or have one of those things take you over and if you stay here there is a very good chance that one of those things will happen," Gus said matter-of-factly. "But hey, do what you want."

Baines decided that he did, in fact, want to escape that ship body and mind intact and crawled towards the exit.

"It's empty!" the alien voice cried out, outraged.

The Doctor cocked his head. "Is it? I could have sworn that I put it in there…maybe it was my other watch?"

"I think you opened it earlier," Shawn reminded him.

The Doctor snapped his fingers. "Oh, that's right! How silly of me to forget. I think I might have been distracted by the hydroconometre. It seems to be indicating you've got energy feedback all the way through the retrostabilisers feeding back into the primary heat converter. That's not good. That's definitely not good. Helpful bit of advice for when you're hunting Time Lords: don't let them press a whole bunch of buttons, no matter how helpless they seem. Course it's not like you'll get much of a chance to actually use that advice. Here's one that might be a bit more pertinent: run."

"Was that the signal?" Shawn wondered aloud.

"Oh, come on!" Gus said, grabbing his sleeve and pulling him along, the Doctor close on their heels.

They dived for the grass just as the spaceship exploded behind them.

Baines was watching from a few feet away, sitting on a crate of beer. "I say, it's like the universe is trying to tell me something about sneaking out of school for underage drinking…"

"What's that?" Shawn asked.

"Make somebody else get it next time," Baines said promptly. "Maybe Latimer. Of course, then he'd insist on getting a beer, too, but that seems like a small price to pay to avoid something else like this."

"He is incorrigible," Gus said, shaking his head.

"It looks like they made it out as well," the Doctor said. "Course now that their ship is gone they're quite helpless to steal anybody's body and my essence is safe inside of me so they're practically harmless. It shouldn't be hard to drop them off somewhere out of the way. The only problem is what we're going to do about the rest of the term. I thought I told you not to let me enter into any long-term commitments!"

"That wasn't us! It was the TARDIS' idea and Shawn doesn't believe in arguing with her!" Gus said defensively.

Shawn merely smirked. "And you said that convincing the Headmaster that we were undercover from Scotland Yard was a bad idea…"

\----

It really wasn't difficult to get away from the school. All they had to do was tell the Headmaster that their investigation was concluded and they were free to go, though the Headmaster was scrambling to find people to replace them. Well, replace Shawn and the Doctor at any rate. He didn't seem to feel that Gus needed to be replaced and so the servants wouldn't be pleased with their increased workload.

The Family, as apparently they were called, were dropped off on some tropical planet that could sustain them but had no sentient beings on it for a few hundred years to die in peace.

All in all, it had worked out reasonably well. Not perfectly, but decently.

"So how was it?" Shawn asked him as they were sitting on a beach at some fancy resort. "Being human I mean?"

"It was…strange," the Doctor admitted. "I mean, I got up every morning to teach and had such a strict schedule I had to follow every day for two months and I think I actually enjoyed it. I didn't get bored or anything. Humans have such a longer attention span than I do that it's not even funny."

"Well, we sort of have to," Gus reasoned. "We can't all hop from place to place on a whim, after all."

"I've got to ask, Shawn…did you have anything to do with Joan pulling away from me?" the Doctor asked. "It didn't occur to me when I was human but now I know that I asked you to keep me from any commitments and a relationship is a big commitment, especially back then."

"I may have, you know, slightly told her that you were married to Rose," Shawn admitted sheepishly. "Just a little."

"John Smith was not that kind of a man!" the Doctor said indignantly.

"If it makes you feel any better, you thought she was dead because she ran off with some guy and we didn't have the heart to tell you," Shawn offered.

"Rose is not that kind of woman!" the Doctor cried, not appeased in the slightest.

"I'm sure she wasn't," Shawn said soothingly. "But I needed an excuse and I doubted she'd believe me that you were a time-travelling alien that was only going to be around for another month or so at best."

"I suppose you're right…You know, I was also surprised by John Smith himself. Myself," the Doctor continued.

"Why? What were you expecting?" Shawn asked.

The Doctor frowned. "I don't know, exactly. I had designed him to be just a character to blend into the background and hide and I had expected the only things I'd learn would be about physical differences but somewhere along the line…somewhere along the line, he really came alive."

"Well what do you expect?" Gus asked rhetorically. "You may have changed species, you may have had no memory, you may have filled your head with a nice fake background but you were still you. Of course you were going to take that caricature of a person and breathe life into it."

"I guess," the Doctor said vaguely. "I just didn't expect that the end would be so difficult. I guess I didn't really think of what that would be like for him. For me. Knowing what was about to happen. In a way, he's right, I guess. John Smith might be in here," he tapped his head, "but he's no longer how he was. In a way, he is dead."

"You thought that it wouldn't matter because he wouldn't be real and when we opened the watch it would flip a switch and end the charade," Shawn declared. "But it wasn't like that at all. Still, in the end you knew exactly what was going to happen and you did it anyway. You didn't run from it."

"No," the Doctor agreed, sounding surprised. "This time, I didn't run. I didn't make a half-bad human, did I?"

"No, no you didn't," Gus agreed with a smile. "But Doctor, I'm telling you right now: if we ever do this again then we're doing it back at Psych, your dislike for domestics be damned."

The Doctor coughed. "You know, I think that the Chameleon Arch experienced a critical malfunction just before we got here. It may never work again…"


	12. Blink

"I feel like Robin Hood," Shawn complained as he stepped out of a British taxi (it was still so weird how nondescript they were compared to American ones) with a quiver of arrows on his back.

"Well, we're in London. It really won't stand out all that much," the Doctor reasoned.

"You think you two have got it bad?" Gus demanded. "In this scenario, I'm Ahchoo!"

"Bless you," the Doctor said automatically.

"Doctor! Doctor!" a woman cried out frantically as she ran out of one of the stores. She was very pretty with long light brown hair and an excited gleam in her eye.

The Doctor automatically stopped and turned back to her. "Hello! Sorry, bit of a rush, there's a sort of thing happening, fairly important we stop it."

"I'm sure we have time for this," Shawn argued. "I mean, clearly something very important involves our attention."

"Yes," Gus said pointedly. "The migration's started, remember? And we're already running late. Again. What the point is in having a time machine if we're never going to show up anywhere on time is beyond me…"

The woman laughed. "You two don't ever change, do you?" She shook her head. "My God, it's you, it really is you. Oh, you don't remember me, do you?"

"Look, sorry, I've got a bit of a complex life. Things don't always happen to me in order. Gets confusing, especially at weddings, I'm rubbish at weddings, especially my own," the Doctor confided, shuddering at the memory.

"Mine was fantastic," Shawn said, grinning. "And I thought Jules looks hot now…"

"You realize that it'll be years before she agrees to go out with you, right?" Gus asked him rhetorically. "And treating it like it's a done deal will only make it take longer before she says yes."

The woman looked confused for a moment before it all clicked. "Oh, my God! Of course, you're a time traveler. It hasn't happened yet! None of it, it's still in your future!"

"What hasn't happened?" the Doctor asked blankly.

"Meeting her, obviously," Shawn said, grinning at her. "Speaking of, we should go out sometime. You look nice."

The woman returned his grin. "We did, Shawn, and it was bloody fantastic. The details are in the folder."

"This sounds promising," Shawn said happily.

"I can't be the only one still concerned about the fact that red hatching is in twenty minutes, can I?" Gus demanded.

"It was me. Oh, for God's sake, it was me all along. You got it all from me!" the woman realized. "But it isn't my fault, Shawn. It really isn't."

"Um…sure," Shawn said uncertainly. "It's not your fault."

"Oh, you say that now," the woman said, rolling her eyes.

"Got what?" the Doctor asked, not having the slightest clue what was going on.

The woman nodded. "Okay. Listen. One day you're going to get stuck in 1969. Make sure you've got this with you. You're going to need it."

"Doctor!" Gus cried out.

"Hey, give us a second," Shawn told him. "Apparently we're going to need this and you wouldn't want us to get ourselves killed because we weren't prepared, now would you?"

"No and I don't want us to get ourselves killed because this is taking too long and we can't deal with this either," Gus said pointedly. "Hint hint."

"I'm almost finished, I promise," the woman assured him. "Actually…I think I'm done now."

"That's good because I've got to dash...things happening. Well, four things," the Doctor corrected himself. "Well, four things and a lizard."

"I would like to state for the record that this is all Shawn's fault," Gus declared.

"You always blame me!" Shawn complained.

"Well, you are the one who wouldn't leave that park bench alone," the Doctor pointed out.

"That could have happened to anyone!" Shawn objected.

"Don't you three have some migration to stop?" the woman reminded them.

Gus stopped. "Oh, right."

"I'll see you all around someday, okay?" the woman said, smiling brightly at them.

"What's your name?" the Doctor asked her.

The woman's smile widened. "Sally Sparrow."

The Doctor grinned at her. "Good to meet you, Sally Sparrow."

\----

It was four months before Sally's little folder was needed and they had almost completely forgotten about it. Well…except for when Shawn had insisted on using the TARDIS to go on that date Sally had written about in the folder because it was apparently part of history and they couldn't change it for risk of causing giant monsters to tear a hole in all of reality.

One day, the TARDIS took them to Wester Drumlins to deal with a nasty parasitic alien that had been luring people to the house and then devouring them completely. It had taken some doing but they had finally dispatched of it.

That was when those four creepy angel statues that Gus hadn't been able to take his eyes off of the whole time they were there made their move. Gus had just turned back to the TARDIS as they were about to leave when he completely vanished and Shawn followed moments later. The Doctor realized what had happened when he saw that the statues had moved but he hadn't quite been able to make it to the TARDIS before he had to blink and was transported as well.

It took Gus a moment to find his voice. "…What the hell just happened?"

"Unless I very much missed my guess, we just got stuck in 1969," the Doctor replied grimly. "It's a good thing I still have that folder Sally gave me."

"You do?" Shawn asked, surprised. "But that was ages ago! Have you really been carrying it with you all this time?"

"Of course I have," the Doctor answered, nodding. "I never knew exactly when we'd got stuck here."

"Doctor…those statues just sent us back in time. Those angel statues," Gus said, his voice a bit panicked. "And I seem to recall back when we were dealing with those alien witches you said something about how it wasn't weird after all I didn't like creepy angel statues because of the Weeping Angels. Would you care to elaborate on that at all?"

The Doctor thought it over. "I really wouldn't."

"Well do it anyway!" Gus ordered.

The Doctor sighed and closed his eyes. "Very well. The Weeping Angels date back to the early universe. They resemble angel statues, when you can see them, at least. There was some speculation that they had a different form when they were unseen but there's no real way to tell, of course. I've actually always been curious about what would happen if you held up a mirror in front of an Angel but not enough to actually test it."

"Why?" Gus demanded. "What happens when you look at it?"

"It quantum locks," the Doctor explained. "It literally turns to stone. It's the perfect defense mechanism and, in a way, the perfect prison because, see, they can't control it. I don't even know why it's necessary for them to have this defense as they're already extremely strong and fast. Are their true unseen selves more vulnerable? They turn to stone even when they're looking at each other. The lonely assassins, they're called."

"Well that's just silly," Shawn announced. "A stone might be harder to kill than a person but it's not impossible. What would happen if I were to have a sledgehammer with me and pound the statue into dust? No more Weeping Angel."

"You wouldn't have killed it," the Doctor pointed out. "Because the stone wasn't alive. And when you looked away, it would just reform. Reform and be very very angry. Assuming it had enough energy to do so, of course, though your method might work on a starving angel."

"It seems like Angels would just never move if nothing could be staring at them because surely there's always going to be some bird or insect glancing their way. Do only sentient species count?" Shawn wondered.

"To be honest, I've no idea," the Doctor confessed. "When there are no sentient beings around to report what happened then who can say if the Angels have ever been trapped by a dog or a bird or something? It seems a far too dangerous thing to test just for the sake of idle curiosity."

"How do they feed? On what? And does this have anything to do with them randomly sending us back in time?" Gus demanded. "I mean, it's really annoying since we don't have the TARDIS and normal people would be stranded forever but it's not like we landed anywhere particularly violent. We're just where we had been nearly forty years into the future and that's not going to kill us anytime soon."

"The Angels send you back in time and let you live yourself to death," the Doctor explained. "They feed off of the energy from the potential days you might have had."

"That makes no sense!" Shawn complained. "What energy is that? You're still living a life, even if it's in the past. The Angels can feed on the road-not-taken now? Why bother sending people into the past at all then? Just go up and feed on high school seniors and their energy if they hadn't gone to college or if they had gone to a different one or something like that."

"Maybe it doesn't make the most sense," the Doctor admitted. "But this is a strange and wondrous universe and I'm just telling you how it is. Just because you might not think that it should work like that doesn't mean that it doesn't. In our case, the Angels wanted to both feed on us and the TARDIS which should keep them fed forever. Normally, I'd suggest we hitch a ride to UNIT and meet up with one of my past selves there to get a lift home but we do have the folder Sally gave us and everything appeared to work out so why mess with success?"

"What's first on our agenda?" Gus asked.

The Doctor searched through the folder until he found the photos he was looking for. "Does anybody know anything about wall-papering?"

Unsurprisingly, Shawn raised his hand.

\----

They had been in 1969 for two weeks when it was time to go meet Billy Shipton. Gus had gotten a job at a shop, Shawn had gotten a job with the US Embassy (thanks to the psychic paper, of course), and the Doctor contributed by using the psychic paper to get them a decent place to live and then promptly leaving all bread-winning to them while he attempted to plot out the logistics of what they had apparently done to save themselves since Sally herself didn't have all the details. He also tried to build things out of the material available to them which didn't always work out the way it was supposed to. Still, it helped them find Billy.

"Welcome!" the Doctor greeted the black man lying against a brick wall that he sincerely hoped was Billy. Sally hadn't snapped a picture of him, after all, so he wasn't positive.

"Where am I?" Billy groaned.

"Exactly the same place that you were two minutes ago," the Doctor told him.

"It doesn't look like the same place," Billy pointed out.

"Well, it is," the Doctor assured him. "Course, it's also 1969. Not bad as time goes. You've missed all the assassinations and now you've got the moon landing to look forward to!"

"The moon landing's sweet," Shawn raved. "We went four times back when we still had transportation."

The Doctor held up his hands defensively. "Hey, I'm working on it!"

"Of course, I still don't get why I keep writing 'WTF' on my hand every time I see it…" Shawn said, shaking his head. "I mean, it's in my handwriting so I know it has to be me but I just don't remember doing it…"

"Personally, I blame aliens," Gus opined.

"You always blame aliens," the Doctor protested.

Shawn raised a pointed eyebrow at him.

"Well…when you're not blaming Shawn," the Doctor amended.

"That's because whenever it isn't Shawn's fault, it's always the fault of an alien," Gus replied matter-of-factly.

"You know, Billy, I'm sure that all of this is very upsetting but think of it this way: if you've got even a passing knowledge of history then you can make a fortune in betting for the next thirty-eight years," Shawn said, trying to cheer the clearly-stricken Billy up.

"1969?" Billy repeated faintly. "I can't be in 1969. I wasn't even born in 1969! How in the world would I have gotten to 1969?"

"Remember those creepy Angel statues?" Shawn asked rhetorically. "Well…turns out that they were evil. Big surprise, huh? One of them touched you and sent you back here."

"Don't feel bad about it; the same thing happened to us," the Doctor consoled him. "It might have even been the same one since we ended up in the same year and that Kathy ended up in 1920. I wouldn't get up if I were you. Time travel without a capsule or even one of those shoddy vortex manipulators is going to leave a mark."

"I don't. I can't," Billy shook his head, trying to process what was happening to him.

"Fascinating race, the Weeping Angels. The only psychopaths in the universe to kill you nicely. No mess, no fuss, they just zap you into the past and let you live to death. The rest of your life used up and blown away in the blink of an eye. You die in the past, and in the present they consume the energy of all the days you might have had, all your stolen moments. They're creatures of the abstract. They live off potential energy," the Doctor rambled.

"That still doesn't make any sense," Shawn grumbled.

"What the hell are you even talking about?" Billy demanded, angry and scared.

"Just go with it," Gus advised. "These things are creepy and your involvement with them is mostly over. You're never going to see one again. You're going to be much happier not knowing. I know I was…" With that, he shuddered.

"We tracked you down with this. This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff. Also, it can boil an egg at 30 paces, whether you want it to or not, actually, so I've learned to stay away from hens. It's not pretty when they blow," the Doctor confided.

"No, but it does make for a convenient snack and a lot of angry farmers," Shawn added.

"I don't understand," Billy said hollowly.

"Yes you do," Gus said gently. "You're trapped in 1969 and you're never going to be able to go home."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," the Doctor told him earnestly. "Normally I'd offer you a ride home but somebody stole my transportation so I need you to take a message back to Sally Sparrow."

"That gorgeous girl?" Billy asked incredulously. "What could she possibly have to do with this?"

"Everything," Shawn replied. "Technically it's her fault we have to leave you here. If her folder of what we have to do to fix this didn't specify that she meets you again about twenty minutes after she left you but this time you're dying in the hospital in your sixties because we just sort of left you in the past then we would've taken you home with us and gotten someone else to leave those Easter Eggs."

"That's not her fault," Gus protested. "She was just writing down what happened."

Shawn nodded. "Exactly. And because she wrote down that we're major assholes here, we have no choice but to do that or else things won't go the way they're supposed to and we might not get home."

"It's a stable time loop, Shawn," the Doctor explained. "Technically, it's already happened and we're just doing what we're doing because we've already done it and it worked." He made a face. "How very boring. I hate stable time loops. Still, what can you do?"

\----

"But I don't understand," Billy objected. "Why are we recording the DVD extra now? DVDs won't be around for years."

"Because we really have better things to do than to sit here waiting years until they're invented and these movies come out," Shawn explained.

"And I don't?" Billy demanded.

"Since you have no way to get home and we will…I'm going to go with 'no'," Shawn told him.

The Doctor smiled. "You know, Rose would have had a heart attack if she'd ever met you…"

"I still can't believe that you guys aren't going to tell me how you know what's going on and why we have to do this," Billy complained.

"We're really sorry about that," the Doctor said apologetically. "We'd love to, really we would, we just can't because it says very clearly that you don't know."

"Why in the world are we being such assholes here?" Shawn wondered aloud. "I mean, now we're doing it because we have to but even in a stable time loop there has to be a reason why we're being so awful."

"We could always tell him as long as he swore that he'd tell Sally that he had no idea," Gus pointed out. "It's like what happened in Back to the Future; the Doc knows that gets shot and killed so he puts on a bullet-proof vest and pretends to be dead so Marty will still see what he's supposed to see."

"That is a very good point," Billy said eagerly. "And I swear to you that I'll tell Sally that I have no idea how you guys know any of this…though you'll have to explain why."

"I'm not sure this is a good idea," the Doctor told them.

"I think it's really the least we can do given that he's enabling us to go home at the expense of being stranded here himself," Shawn disagreed. "Look, one day a few months back we ran into this random girl as we were walking past the store she runs. Well, to us it was a few months back. It's weeks after you were sent to the past and Sally trapped the Angels."

"She gave us a very nice written account of what happened," Gus continued. "Including some pictures of the Angels, which I have since destroyed because they freak me out, and a list of the movies which we gave to you. They have to be those seventeen movies because those are the only seventeen DVDs Sally owns. Sally somehow manages to rescue the TARDIS and trap the Angels forever with our help but we only know what to do because she gave us the instructions after she already did it. It's kind of complicated."

Billy shook his head. "I should say so. So if Sally had written that I got to go home then you would have really found someone else and let me come back with you?"

The Doctor nodded. "Absolutely. But she didn't and we really can't risk changing what happens in case that means that Sally won't succeed and we won't get our TARDIS back."

"Did you hear that?" Shawn gushed. "He said 'our' TARDIS!"

"I did hear that," Gus confirmed.

"And see? I told you it was all her fault," Shawn said triumphantly.

"It was really more the Angels' fault," Gus countered.

Shawn shrugged. "Evenly split, I'd say."

"Alright, I'll read Sally's part to give you a sense of the timing," Billy announced. "Who is going to read Larry's? He does have a few lines and pacing, you know. It wouldn't be nearly as creepy if you started talking before she was done, after all, and threw the timing off."

"I'll do it," Gus volunteered, going over to stand beside Larry so he could keep his eye on the script.

The Doctor, sitting at a table, cleared his throat. "I'm ready."

"Right and….action!" Billy said, pressing record.

"Okay. There he is," Gus read off.

"The Doctor," Billy said.

"Who's the Doctor?" Gus asked.

"He's the Doctor," Billy identified, helpfully gesturing the Doctor's way.

"Yep. That's me," the Doctor agreed. He hadn't needed a script of his own since he'd memorized his lines.

"Okay, that was scary," Billy declared.

"No, it sounds like he's replying, but he always says that," Gus explained.

"Yes, I do," the Doctor confirmed, nodding.

"And that," Gus said.

"Yep, and this," the Doctor told them.

"He can hear us. Oh, my God, you can really hear us!" Billy exclaimed, dramatically placing a hand over his heart for emphasis.

"Of course he can't hear us. Look! I've got a transcript, see, everything he says. 'Yep, that's me'. 'Yes, I do'. 'Yep, and this'. Next it's-" Gus started to say.

"Are you going to read out the whole thing?" Gus and the Doctor asked at the same time.

Gus flushed. "Sorry."

"Who are you?" Billy demanded.

"I'm a time traveler. Or I was. I'm stuck in 1969," the Doctor explained.

"That's hardly an introduction!" Shawn complained. "She didn't ask your occupation or current year! Sally – yes, that's Sally Sparrow. Why did it take you internet people so long to make the connection? Anyway, that's the Doctor. I'm Shawn Spencer and may I say that you look absolutely lovely?"

"Well, when he puts it that way…" Gus said awkwardly.

"What is my ex-boyfriend doing on an Easter Egg from the sixties?" Billy demanded. "I mean, fine, time travel or whatever but it still seems really…unlikely."

"You went out with this guy?" Gus asked.

"Just the once," Billy was quick to qualify. "It was a really nice night, though. I wonder if he looked me up because of this?"

"Damn straight it was," Shawn said, grinning. "And…maybe."

"I've seen this bit before," Billy realized.

"Quite possibly," the Doctor replied.

"1969, that's where you're talking from?" Billy asked slowly, just to make sure.

"I'm afraid so," the Doctor confirmed.

"But you're replying to me. You can't know exactly what I'm gonna say, 40 years before I say it!" Billy exclaimed.

"38," the Doctor corrected. "It always pays to be precise."

"I'm getting this down! I'm writing in your bits," Gus said excitedly.

"How? How is this possible? Tell me!" Billy ordered.

"Not so fast," Gus complained.

"People don't understand time. It's not what you think it is," the Doctor began grandly.

"Then what is it?" Billy asked matter-of-factly.

"Complicated," the Doctor said curtly.

"What's this?" Shawn couldn't believe it. "Doctor, you're never at a loss for words. You've explained time to Gus at least a half a dozen times and even once or twice to me even though I assured you that I didn't care."

"Tell me," Billy insisted.

The Doctor winced. "Very complicated."

"I'm clever and I'm listening. And don't patronize me because people have died, and I'm not happy. Tell me," Billy said, his tone steely.

Shawn grinned again. "Now that's hot."

The Doctor sighed and nodded. "Oh, alright. People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff."

"Yeah, I've seen this bit before. You said that sentence got away from you," Billy told them.

"It got away from me, yeah," the Doctor admitted.

"Next thing you're going to say is, 'Well, I can hear you'," Billy predicted.

"Well, I can hear you," the Doctor claimed, shrugging.

"This isn't possible," Billy said flatly.

"No, it's brilliant," Gus disagreed.

"Maybe it's magic," Shawn spoke up.

"Shawn, you know very well that there is no such thing as magic," the Doctor said, rolling his eyes.

"Says the time traveling alien stuck in 1969 by evil Angels who is communicating with someone 38 years in the future," Shawn muttered.

"What does that have to do with anything?" the Doctor demanded.

"The average person is about as likely to believe in one as the other," Shawn pointed out.

"Yes, and?" the Doctor asked. "Just because I fall under the category of 'things most people do not believe in' doesn't mean that everything else under that same category is true as well. This isn't some 'if witches then dragons' kind of thing."

"We met alien witches, though," Shawn pointed out. "Remember? Who sort of did magic. Even if it's not technically magic we could still know what they're saying through something that most people would call magic."

"Most people two centuries ago would have called the telly magic," the Doctor pointed out.

Now it was Shawn's turn to role his eyes. "Oh, you know what I mean."

The Doctor turned back to the camera. "Look, I can't hear you exactly, but I know everything you're going to say."

"Always gives me the shivers, that bit," Gus confessed.

"How can you know what I'm going to say?" Billy demanded, looking around the room suspiciously.

"Look to your left," the Doctor advised, nodding to his right so that when Sally watched it later he would be nodding to her left.

"What does he mean by, 'Look to your left'? I've written tons about that on the forums. I think it's a political statement," Gus theorized.

"It's not but, for the record, the Doctor is a total hippie," Shawn confided. "Between us – and, I guess, anyone else who ever watches this – he's having the time of his life here with all his fellow flower children. If it weren't for his hour-long attention span, he could happily spend the rest of his life here."

"Oh, I could not," the Doctor argued.

"He means you," Billy told Gus. "What are you doing?"

"I'm writing in your bits. So I've got a complete transcript of the whole conversation. Wait until this hits the net. This will explode the egg forums," Gus enthused.

Shawn snorted. " 'Egg forums.' This sounds right up your ally, Gus."

"I've got a copy of the finished transcript. It's on my Autocue," the Doctor revealed.

"How can you have a copy of the finished transcript? It is still being written," Billy pointed out.

"I told you. I'm a time traveler. I got it in the future," the Doctor told her.

Shawn shook his head. "I don't think that's what she's asking. There are two different kinds of time travel: the kind that changes something and the kind that doesn't. Now, I know what you're thinking; I'm psychic, you know. If you're not going to change anything, why bother time traveling? Two reasons: one, it's awesome. Two, you have to time travel and do something in order to cause events to play out the way you know they're supposed to. We got the transcript from the future and the Doctor is reading it because he read it to you by the time we got ahold of the transcript. It's a stable time loop, you see."

"Okay, let me get my head 'round this. You're reading from a transcript of a conversation you're still having? Wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey," Billy said, shaking his head. "All these interruptions by Shawn…is he allowed to do that?"

The Doctor waved his hand. "Oh, don't worry about him. The transcript contains everything he's said so far and it will likely to continue to do so. Like he said, stable time loop."

"Really?" Shawn asked, surprised. "It does? But I never even glanced at it!"

"I guess we have Larry to thank for that," Billy remarked. "And speaking of…You can do shorthand?"

"So?" Gus asked defensively.

"What matters is we can communicate. We have got big problems now. They've taken the blue box, haven't they? The Angels have the phone box," the Doctor said ominously.

"The Angels have the phone box!" Gus exclaimed. "That's my favorite, I've got it on a tee-shirt!"

"So have I, actually," Shawn revealed. "Hey, is that on-"

"Yes," the Doctor interrupted.

Shawn made a face.

"What do you mean, Angels?" You mean those statue things?" Billy asked anxiously.

"The statues that look like Angels?" Shawn asked rhetorically. "That's a good bet."

"They're creatures from another world," the Doctor announced.

"But they're just statues," Billy protested.

"Statues that kill people," Shawn pointed out. "Hey, Doctor, I've just thought of something and the transcript probably says I have to ask you about it so here goes: if the transcript just says everything that I say then why do you have to read from the transcript? Why not just look at her parts and make up your own answers?"

"Because I've already read my part," the Doctor answered simply. "Now, the Weeping Angels are only statues when you look at them."

"What does that mean?" Billy demanded.

"Really, Sally?" Shawn asked skeptically. "That's an easy one. It means that when you aren't looking at the statues, they aren't statues. Of course, now you're in for it."

"Lonely assassins, they were called. No-one knows where they came from. They're as old as the universe, or very nearly. They've survived this long as they have the most perfect defence system ever evolved," the Doctor explained. "They are quantum-locked. They don't exist when being observed. The moment they're seen by any other living creature they freeze into rock. No choice. It's a fact of their biology. In the sight of any living thing, they literally turn to stone. And you can't kill a stone. Course, a stone can't kill you either. But then you turn your head away, then you blink, and oh, yes it can!"

"Don't take your eyes off that," Billy ordered sharply.

"That's why they cover their eyes. They're not weeping, they can't risk looking at each other. Their greatest asset is their greatest curse. They can never be seen. The loneliest creatures in the universe. And I'm sorry, I am very, very sorry, it's up to you now," the Doctor apologized.

"We believe in you!" Shawn cheered. "Mostly because we already know you succeed, stable time loop and whatnot. But no pressure! It's only all of existence at stake!"

"I thought you said no pressure," Billy muttered.

"I did," Shawn confirmed, looking puzzled. "You really should pay more attention, you know. This is kind of important. And by 'kind of' I mean really important."

"What am I supposed to do?" Billy demanded.

"The blue box, it's my time machine. There is a world of time energy in there they could feast on forever. The damage they can do can switch off the sun. You have got to send it back to me!" the Doctor urged.

"How? How?" Billy asked desperately.

"I'd love to answer your question, Sally Sparrow, I really would but unfortunately, I can't. See, this is where the transcript ends. This is my final line. I don't know what stopped you talking, but I can guess. They're coming. The angels are coming for you. But listen, your life could depend on this. Don't blink! Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. They are fast, faster than you can believe. Don't turn your back, don't look away, and don't blink! Good luck!"

"I think this will be my last line as well," Shawn decided. "Of course, I can't check the transcript so who knows? I'd just like to say that if you had a problem with us just leaving you hanging without any clear idea of what to do…well, you know who is to blame. Or you will, at least."

Billy pressed stop. "Well, that's that. How soon until you know if it's worked?"

The familiar sound of the TARDIS materializing filled the air and soon the blue box itself appeared right in front of them.

"That was fast," Gus remarked. "Not that I'm complaining, of course. Do you think we should bother to quit our jobs and give up our lease before going?"

"Meh, can't be bothered," the Doctor replied. "The little details always slip my mind. But poor Sally. I really didn't like having to leave her and Larry outside of the TARDIS when it came back to us."

"Not to worry, we would have taken them with us if Sally hadn't told us we didn't," Shawn comforted him. "She has no one to blame but herself."

"And you're sure you can't take me with you?" Billy asked unhappily.

The Doctor smiled sadly at him. "I would if I could, I hope you know that. I just can't because you need to be there to die a few hours after first meeting Sally Sparrow. I really like her name. Sally Sparrow. Not too fond of 'Sally' by itself but together it has a very nice ring to it. Sally Nightingale's not nearly as nice."

"I feel terrible, too," Shawn said apologetically. "But, well…"

Billy nodded. "Yeah, I get it. Blame Sally."

"Poor Sally," Gus said, shaking his head. "She saves the day and keeps getting blamed for it. No wonder that was one of the first things she said to us…"


	13. Utopia

"Cardiff," the Doctor announced.

"What's Cardiff?" Shawn asked blankly.

The Doctor blinked. "Seriously? How can you not know what Cardiff is?"

"I'm not actually British, remember, Doctor?" Shawn said testily.

"Yeah, I know, but still," the Doctor said, shaking his head in bemusement. "Gus, if you would?"

Gus nodded. "Sure. Shawn, Cardiff is the capital of Wales."

"That sounds vaguely familiar. I'm thinking prince," Shawn told them. "The royal kind, not the singing kind."

"The crown prince is the Prince of Wales," the Doctor conceded. "And Wales is one of the countries is the United Kingdom."

"Why are we here, anyway?" Shawn asked. "Surely nothing important has ever happened here."

Gus rolled his eyes. "Ignore him."

"As it happens, something important did go down here well over a century ago," the Doctor revealed. "Cardiff is built on a rift in time and space…just like California and the San Andreas Fault to use a place you'd be more familiar with. The rift bleeds energy. Every now and then I need to open up the engines, soak up the energy and use it as fuel."

"So basically, we're getting gas," Gus summarized. "Or rather, stealing it."

"Hey, I don't see anybody charging," the Doctor said defensively. "And…we're done. Where to, now, I wonder?"

"Hey, who is that?" Shawn asked, pointing towards the viewscreen where a man was running towards them.

The Doctor coughed. "Um…no one. No one at all. Come on, come on…"

"Are you sure?" Shawn asked. "You look a little panicked. And now he's jumping towards us. Clearly he expects you to try to leave without him."

"I wouldn't do that," the Doctor lied as the TARDIS finally took off. "Whoops…"

"No one actually believes that that was an accident, you know," Gus said flatly.

"We're accelerating!" the Doctor cried out. "I was just going to go get some lunch. There's this great place that opens in 2015 and now we're headed far further into the future. The year one billion. Five billion. Five trillion. 50 trillion. What? The year 100 trillion. That's impossible!"

"Doctor, look at your life and then tell me why that word is still a part of your vocabulary," Shawn instructed.

"What's so special about the year 100 trillion?" Gus wanted to know.

"Oh, nothing much," the Doctor replied. "Unless, of course, you think that the end of the universe is at all noteworthy."

"I think that it might rate a mention in history, yeah," Shawn agreed. "So what's out there, anyway?"

"The destruction of everything anyone who has ever existed has ever known and loved?" Gus hypothesized.

"To be honest, I'm not sure," the Doctor admitted. "Gus may be right. Even the Time Lords never ventured out this far…or if they did they never shared their experiences. We really should go."

Shawn grinned. "Why do you even bother saying that? So you can look back and say that you knew that this was a horrible idea when it inevitably blows up in our face?"

The Doctor refused to look at them. "Maybe."

The three headed outdoors and immediately came upon a corpse.

"What an auspicious start," Gus said sarcastically. "Hey, isn't that that guy who jumped on the TARDIS?"

"Must've been clinging to the outside of the TARDIS all the way through the vortex," the Doctor mused, nodding. "Well, that very him."

"You clearly know him yet you don't appear at all upset at his passing," Shawn said shrewdly. "Did you hate him or something? Because you can get quite emotional about stars that are out to kill us."

"No, nothing like that," the Doctor assured him. "He's actually a friend of mine. Used to travel with me. Back in the old days."

"You don't look anywhere near old enough to be talking about 'the old days'," Shawn told him.

"Yes, well, I am," the Doctor replied. He paused. "And we don't know that that sun was out to kill us."

"I thought it was implied," Gus disagreed.

There was a gasp and suddenly the dead man came to life.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaah!" Shawn and Gus screamed.

"You really ruin any credibility you have whenever you do that," the Doctor noted, completely unfazed.

"Give us a break; a man just came back from the dead!" Gus exclaimed.

"Yeah, I do that," the man said, sitting up. "I'm Captain Jack Harkness, by the way. Who are you two?"

"My name is Shawn Spencer and this is my partner, Zaphod Beeblebrox the Fourth," Shawn introduced.

Jack smiled at them. "Nice to meet you, Shawn Spencer, Zaphod Beeblebrox."

"It's Gus, actually," Gus corrected. "Burton Guster."

"Oh, don't start!" the Doctor said, tolerantly annoyed.

"I was just saying hello," Jack said innocently, pulling himself to his feet.

Jack and the Doctor stared at each other coldly for a moment as though daring the other to make the first move.

"Doctor," Jack finally said, evenly.

"Captain," the Doctor returned, just as calmly.

"Good to see you," Jack said curtly.

"And you. Same as ever…although…have you had work done?" the Doctor asked awkwardly.

Jack laughed incredulously. "You can talk?"

The Doctor stared blankly for a minute before it clicked. "Oh yes, the face. Regeneration. How did you know this was me?"

"The police box kinda gives it away. I've been following you for a long time. You abandoned me!" Jack accused.

"Did I? Busy life. Move on," the Doctor said absently.

They established that Rose was not, in fact, dead (apparently Jack had known her as well) and decided to go off looking around together. Jack explained how he had been fighting Daleks, gotten vaporized, somehow woken up, and the Doctor had left the station without him. The Doctor passed up on a wonderful opportunity to claim he had no idea Jack had been brought back to life and instead chose to focus on his time travel snobbery and the fact that he felt the TARDIS was infinitely superior to a vortex manipulator, particularly since Jack had gotten one trip before the vortex manipulator had fried and he'd landed in 1869 instead of more modern times.

"So why did you leave him behind, anyway?" Gus wondered.

"I was busy," the Doctor said lamely.

Shawn snorted. "Seriously, Doctor? You have a freaking time machine."

"Well I was!" the Doctor insisted. "Rose was dying so to save her I had to die instead and I regenerated and then I was completely useless for hours on end. I almost didn't save the world because I was still sleeping and Rose, bless her, tried her best but she couldn't quite pull off a convincing bluff. It was nerves, I think."

"Maybe," Shawn allowed. "But what about when you ran from his back in Cardiff?"

The Doctor sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "Do we really have to talk about this right now? We're at the end of the world?"

"I'm half-convinced that the minute you step out of my sight I'm never going to see you again and I'm not particularly happy with being stranded at the end of the universe," Jack said flatly. "So yeah, I think we should have this conversation right now."

The Doctor sighed again, annoyed. "Fine. You die and you come back. Every time. Rose resurrected you but she couldn't control it. She didn't just restore your normal mortal life; she made you a literal fact. People aren't supposed to be facts and, as a Time Lord, it made me…uneasy."

"Uneasy?" Jack repeated, unable to believe what he was hearing. "You left me alone at the sight of a massacre in a time and place not my own because I made you uneasy?"

" 'Uneasy' is an understatement, really," the Doctor insisted. "More than uneasy. Even the TARDIS was disturbed by you. She dragged us all the way to the end of the universe trying to shake you off. What you are, Jack…it's not your fault, of course, but you're unnatural. So I panicked. I'm sorry."

"Not ever sorry enough to have gone back for him but sorry nonetheless," Shawn muttered.

"So basically what you're saying is…you're prejudiced?" Jack asked slyly.

The Doctor blinked. "That's…not quite how I'd put it."

"But it really sounds like you are," Gus told him. "What have universal facts ever done to you, anyway?"

"Yeah!" Jack agreed.

"Look, I said I was sorry, didn't I?" the Doctor asked, rolling his eyes. "I don't need you lot teaming up on me. I promise I won't do it again, is that alright?"

"It'll do for now," Jack said breezily. "We are at the end of the universe and whatnot."

"So how did you manage to track the Doctor down, anyway?" Gus wanted to know. "I mean, I know you said that you were waiting at Cardiff but how did you know when we would show up? You can't have just been staring at the Rift twenty-four/seven and we could have landed anywhere on the Rift."

"I have a Doctor-detector," Jack explained. "Of sorts."

"That sounds intriguing," the Doctor remarked. "Do go on."

Jack nodded and set down his pack. "As you wish," he said, digging into it for a minute before pulling out a jar with a severed hand in it.

"You don't see that every day," Shawn said dryly.

"I feel ill," Gus said, putting his hand on his stomach.

The Doctor shook his head, bemused. "That's just what I get for leaving things like that lying around."

"Are you trying to say that that's your hand?" Shawn asked, his eyes wide.

The Doctor wiggled the hand still attached to his wrist. "Why? Can't see the resemblance?"

"It's a hand," Shawn said bluntly.

"So if you lose a limb you just regrow it?" Gus asked.

"Not usually. That was within the first few hours of regeneration so I was able to," the Doctor explained. "With all that mess with Harriet Jones and spending dinner with Rose's family – yes, yes, I know, domestics – I sort of forgot about it. It was some sword-fight, though."

"Harriet Jones," Jack said thoughtfully. "Strangest thing. I remember her as being the one to lead Britain into a golden age from the history books and yet she got deposed a while back? Why is that?"

The Doctor pointedly refused to look at any of them.

"Doctor, you didn't," Jack said, aghast. "You ruined a golden age!"

"She shot down a retreating ship!" the Doctor shot back.

"Didn't those people sort of already betray you once and attempted to take billions of people as slaves?" Jack asked pointedly.

"Everybody deserves a second chance," the Doctor said stubbornly.

"Except evidently Harriet Jones," Jack murmured.

"But I did give her a second chance!" the Doctor protested. "I asked her to promise not to do something like that again and to let me handle it and she refused to apologize, saying that Earth had to be able to defend itself because I'm not always going to be around."

"Well…statistically speaking, you probably won't be," Gus pointed out. "How did you even manage to get her thrown out of office?"

"I asked her aide if he thought she looked tired," the Doctor said simply.

"That's it?" Shawn couldn't believe it. "How does that work?"

The Doctor shrugged. "I don't really need to know the details. She did start demanding to know exactly what I had said to the aide because I had been whispering so maybe that helped convinced the aide."

"But wouldn't he have heard what you said to her and realized why she was worried?" Shawn asked logically.

The Doctor shrugged again. "All that matters is that it worked."

"That's kind of a dick move," Shawn told him.

"I agree," Gus concurred.

"We aren't scheduled to have so many golden ages we can just afford to throw them away because you're made someone's trying to be self-sufficient, Doctor," Jack agreed.

The Doctor groaned. "What's done is done, alright? Now come on."

\----

They found a city – a conglomeration, the Doctor insisted – but it was abandoned. Or rather, everything that had once lived there had died. That was what it meant to be at the end of the universe. This place was the only place there still was and even that was fading.

A human ran past them, bringing with him primitive-looking pursuers. The Doctor didn't handle Jack having a weapon well though Jack only ended up using it to scare the pursuers. The human that had inadvertently gotten them into this mess led them to what he called the Silo, a gated area that was supposed to be safe for them.

"Show us your teeth!" one of the guards shouted.

It was an odd request but their pursuers were hot on their tail so they did as they were told without comment and only just got inside before their pursuers turned up, rambling about eating humans.

Once inside, the Doctor had just enough time to describe the TARDIS to the guards and extract a promise that they'd keep their eyes out for it before they went on a water collection run.

They poked around a bit in areas that if they were supposed to be in wouldn't have been locked and discovered a rocket.

"But if the universe is ending all over then where can this 'utopia' possibly be?" Gus asked. "They'd need a time machine, not a rocket."

"The coordinates to Utopia are all we have, I'm afraid," a genial-looking old man sad ruefully. "Maybe it won't work but trying's better than just waiting around for this place to die as well, don't you think?"

"Absolutely," the Doctor said firmly.

"Is one of you the Doctor?" the man asked.

"That's me," the Doctor said with a slight grin. "Name and job description all in one."

The man nodded his head before grabbing the Doctor's hand and pulling him along. "Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good."

"It's always nice to be appreciated," the Doctor remarked. "So who are you, anyway?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the man apologized. "Dreadfully rude of me. My name is Professor Yana."

Shawn froze. "Yana?"

Yana frowned. "Yes, why?"

"Doctor, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Shawn asked nervously.

"Rarely if ever," the Doctor assured him.

"Oh, you're no fun," Shawn complained. "Gus?"

"You Are Not Alone," Gus declared dramatically.

"Huh," the Doctor observed. "Strange that we'd run into a Yana after all. Maybe this means I'm supposed to help save the human race at the end of everything. I do so hope that's what it means."

"I'm not sure I quite follow what you are talking about but I hope so as well," Yana said sincerely.

"Chan—welcome—tho," a blue humanoid creature greeted them enthusiastically.

Yana ignored her as he started showing the Doctor around his workshop.

"Out of curiosity, are you going to do that every time you speak and if so, why?" Shawn asked.

"Chan—but of course—tho," she confirmed. "Chan—my name is Chantho and is would be terribly rude if I did not—tho."

"And it is terribly annoying already," Shawn muttered.

"You really do need a higher annoyance threshold," Gus told him seriously.

Jack smiled at her. "Captain Jack Harnkess."

"Stop it," the Doctor told him.

"Can't I say hello to anybody?" Jack asked innocently.

"You know what you're doing," the Doctor accused.

Chantho giggled. "Chan—I do not mind—tho."

"They never do," Jack told them. "And even if I were having some ulterior motive, why are you so deadest against me getting laid? Between that and your cruelly abandoning me while you went gallivanting off with Rose, I'm starting to think that you just don't like me."

"That or he's jealous," Gus pointed out.

Jack snapped his fingers. "You know, I actually hadn't thought of that but it would explain so much."

"You three aren't allowed to talk to each other," the Doctor said, mildly annoyed.

"So do you have any ideas, Doctor?" Yana asked hopefully.

The Doctor coughed awkwardly. "Well…that is to say…no."

Yana's face fell. "Nothing?"

"I'm not from around these parts. I've never seen a system like it. Sorry," the Doctor said apologetically.

"Have you ever thought about the fact that he apologizes about three times as much as a normal person?" Shawn asked.

"And about ten times as much as you do," Gus replied.

Shawn shrugged. "I've never claimed to be normal."

"I don't either these days," Jack told them. "Of course, that doesn't have to be a bad thing."

"If you don't mind me asking, what are those things from outside?" Gus asked. "And why do they want to eat us?"

"Well, we're not entirely certain why they want to do that," Yana admitted. "No one's gotten close enough to study them and lived to tell the tale, I'm afraid. Perhaps it's some superstition of theirs. We call them the Futurekind but that's a superstition of our own. It's what the people here fear that we will one day become unless we can reach Utopia."

"What is your Utopia?" the Doctor asked.

"Oh, every human knows of Utopia. Where have you been?" Yana asked, surprised.

"Bit of a hermit," the Doctor said in lieu of answering the question.

"A hermit with friends?" Yana asked skeptically.

"Hermits United. We meet up every ten years. Swap stories about caves. It's good fun…for a hermit," the Doctor said flippantly.

"It's always a nice surprise to see which of us survived the decade," Shawn said agreeably. "This is all getting a bit overwhelming, though. I vote we put our next meeting off for fifteen years into the future instead of the usual ten."

"Good idea," Jack agreed. "It should give us plenty of time to recuperate."

"Chan—you do not seem like conventional hermits—tho," Chantho noted.

"We live to defy stereotypes," Gus said with perfect seriousness.

" So, um, Utopia?" the Doctor asked to get them back on track.

"The call came from across the stars over and over again. Come to Utopia. Originated from that point," Yana said, pointing to the map on his screen.

"That sounds suspicious," Shawn noted.

"You think everything is suspicious," Gus noted.

"Well, yeah," Shawn said, rolling his eyes. "Kind of my job."

"Where is that?" the Doctor asked, intrigued.

"Oh, it's far beyond the Condensate Wilderness. Out towards the wildlands and the dark matter reefs. Calling us in. The last of the humans. Scattered across the night," Yana said poetically.

"What do you think's out there?" the Doctor wondered.

"I don't know. A colony, a city, some sort of haven? The Science Foundation created the Utopia Project thousands of years ago to preserve mankind—to find a way of surviving beyond the collapse of reality itself. Now perhaps they found it. Perhaps not," Yana said, not sounding particularly perturbed by the uncertainty.

"Doesn't Utopia mean 'nowhere'?" Shawn asked.

Everyone turned to stare at him.

"What?" he asked defensively. "I was dating this girl once who was totally into classic literature so I read the Cliff Notes for More's Utopia."

Yana coughed. "Well, perhaps that is true as far as the etymology of the word is concerned but we're rather hoping that our Utopia does exist and that it will be our salvation. It doesn't even have to be perfect, really, so long as it is better than here. There's really nothing for us here and there might be something there. Wouldn't you say that it's at least worth a look?"

The Doctor nodded earnestly. "Oh, yes. It's always better to reach for hope is what I always say. And the signal keeps modulating, so it's not automatic. There's a good sign. Someone's out there. And that's…ooh, that's a navigation matrix, isn't it? So you can fly without stars to guide you." He glanced over at noticed Yana spacing out. "Professor?"

Yana jumped. "I…Right, that's enough talk. There's work to do. Now if you could leave. Thank you."

The Doctor wasn't ready to let it go just yet. "Are you sure that you're okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine," Yana snapped. "And very, very busy."

"I should say so," the Doctor drawled. "That rocket's not going anywhere. This footprint mechanism thing, it's not working."

Yana stiffened. "We'll find a way."

Shawn nodded wisely. "Life always finds a way."

Gus rolled his eyes. "Stop ripping off Jurassic Park."

"You're stuck on this planet. And you haven't told them, have you?" the Doctor asked knowingly. "That lot out there, hey still think they're gonna fly."

"And what would you have me do?" Yana demanded. "Let them know that we're not going anywhere? That there might be a place where we could live in peace without the threat of extinction hanging over our heads but we're not going to get there because I'm not smart enough? We're living on borrowed time as it is. Either this planet will become inhabitable as well or the Futurekind will find a way past our defenses and kill us all. It is so wrong to let the people live in hope?"

"It's never wrong," the Doctor said softly. "And if you don't mind letting me try something…"

"By all means," Yana invited. "We've been at an impasse for some time now anyway. Any new idea would be welcomed."

"This new science is well beyond me," the Doctor admitted, "but all the same, a boost reversal circuit, in any time frame, must be a circuit which reverses the boost." He fished his sonic screwdriver out of his pocket. "So, I wonder, what would happen if I did this?"

"Chan—it's working—tho!" Chantho gasped, awed.

"But…how did you do that?" Yana asked incredulously.

The Doctor grinned, delighted at his success and what it would mean for all of these people. "Oh, we've been chatting away. I forgot to tell you, I'm brilliant. Modest, too, but whenever you go and tell someone something like that, it always makes you look a bit conceited."

"You?" Gus asked innocently. "Never."

\----

The Doctor and Professor Yana were happily chatting about how brilliant they both were – a topic that they seemed to be thoroughly enjoying – when they received a message from the last team to have been out.

"Professor, tell the Doctor we've found his blue box."

"Wonderful timing," the Doctor said cheerfully. "If they hadn't then I'd have had to risk going out alone since everyone's leaving."

Yana cocked his head. "Going out alone? That's suicide! Just how importance is that box to you?"

"He cares about it more than us," Shawn offered. "Although what exactly that means is entirely up to your interpretation."

"No I don't," the Doctor said unconvincingly. "But never mind that! Professor, it's a it's a wild stab in the dark, but I may just have found you a way out. Hold on." He ran to the TARDIS and brought back a long power line. "Extra power," he explained before inserting it into an outlet. "Little bit of a cheat, but who's counting? Jack, you're in charge of the retro-feeds."

"Chan—Professor, are you all right—tho?" Chantho asked anxiously.

Yana waved her off. "Yes, I'm fine, I'm fine. It will pass. Just get on with it, please."

"Pardon me but…what will pass?" the Doctor asked curiously. "Are you sick?"

"Nothing like that," Yana assured him. "Well…not physically. You might be able to make an argument for me being sick in the head, though."

"Chan—don't say that—tho!" Chantho exclaimed.

"What do you mean?" the Doctor asked, frowning.

"As far back as I can remember I've always heard this nonstop drumming," Yana explained. "Day in and day out, it's there. I've learned to tune it out, mostly, but sometimes it's more overwhelming than others."

"I had a friend who heard drumming once," the Doctor said conversationally.

"What happened to him?" Yana asked.

"Well…he killed a lot of people and tried to take over the universe. Quite a bit, actually," the Doctor answered. "He's long dead, though."

"Perhaps I'd rather not know…" Yana said slowly.

"That's probably for the best," the Doctor agreed.

\----

"What I don't get," Shawn remarked idly, "is how one of the Futurekind even got in here in the first place. Don't they obsessively check everyone's teeth before letting them in?"

"Maybe they found a way to fool the guards," Gus suggested.

"They didn't appear all that bright," Shawn said doubtfully. "I don't know what that says about the guards…"

One of the Futurekind had managed to sabotage the systems and caused radiation to flood the chamber that they needed to get into to fix the problem. It really was fortunate that they just happened to have a universal fact with them and so Jack and the Doctor were off dealing with that problem.

"If you don't mind me asking, just what is so important about that blue box of yours?" Yana asked them.

"It's our transportation," Gus explained. "It's called a TARDIS. We're not actually from around here but the TARDIS can travel through time."

Yana appeared to be having difficulty focusing. "Time travel. They say there was time travel back in the old days. I never believed. But what would I know? I'm just a stupid old man. Never could keep time. Always late, always lost. Even this thing never worked."

"A 'stupid old man' who managed to pull off a miracle," Shawn pointed out, turning to face the Professor. His eyes widened as they landed on the watch Yana was holding. "What's that?"

"It's an old relic, just like me," Yana said bouncing the watch from one hand to the other. "I don't know why I have it but it was the only thing I was found with so even if it's useless, it felt…wrong to be parted from it."

"Shawn, is that…" Gus breathed.

"Professor, this is a strange coincidence but our friend actually has a watch just like that!" Shawn exclaimed. "He had some problems with it, too, but it worked just fine in the end. How about you let me borrow that and I'll see about getting it fixed?" Without waiting for an answer, he snatched the watch from Yana.

"Well…I suppose there's no harm in trying," Yana said reluctantly. "And it's not as if it isn't already broken."

"I find your lack of faith disturbing," Shawn said sadly, shaking his head. "I'll be right back."

"WE'LL be right back," Gus corrected.

With that, the pair all but ran from the room.

\----

"Why did you take the watch?" Gus asked him. "I mean, I know it probably means that Yana is like John Smith but shouldn't we have encouraged him to open it?"

Shawn shook his head. "Not without the Doctor there. What if he's evil? He could steal the TARDIS or kill us or something."

"If he was evil then why would he be trying to save the human race?" Gus asked reasonably.

Shawn shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe the human him isn't. He probably isn't evil. But do you really want to take that chance?"

"At least now we know what the Face of Boe was talking about," Gus remarked as they reached the Doctor.

"Did someone say the Face of Boe?" Jack asked curiously.

"Yes, why?" Gus asked. "Do you know him?"

Jack gave them a strange look. "Know him? I am him. I grew up on the Boeshane Peninsula. It's a tiny little place; I wouldn't be surprised if you'd never heard of it. I was the first one ever to be signed up for the Time Agency and everyone was just so proud of me they started calling me the Face of Boe."

"And I guess that explains how he knew about this," Shawn said, shaking his head. "We should have made him give us more information."

"He was dying, Shawn," Gus said reprovingly.

"Dying, huh? Permanently?" Jack asked hopefully.

"We think so, yeah," Gus confirmed. "Or if you did come back – if it was you, that is – then it took longer than we've seen it take you."

"Let's not get into that," the Doctor said quickly. "Was there something you needed?"

In response, Shawn held up the watch.

The Doctor's forehead crinkled. "What are you doing with that?"

"We borrowed it from Professor You Are Not Alone," Shawn replied. "We thought you'd probably know what to do with it."

"I'm failing to see the significance of you two having the same watch," Jack announced.

"It's not just a watch," the Doctor said distractedly, taking the watch from Shawn. "This thing, this device, it rewrites biology, changes a Time Lord into a human."

"So does this mean that he's a Time Lord?" Jack asked. "Looks like you're not the only one after all."

"This could be good," the Doctor said hesitantly. "Depending on which one, this could be very good. It could also be very bad. What did he say?"

"Something something…he was found with it a long time ago and it never worked. He probably never opened it. He was looking at it like he couldn't quite see it," Shawn replied. "I didn't really stick around long enough to grill him but you can do that once we get back."

"Do you have any idea who this could be?" Gus asked curiously.

The Doctor nodded grimly. "Of course. Who else?"

"…Who?" Shawn asked blankly.

"The Master," the Doctor revealed.

"That sounds a bit pretentious," Gus noted.

The Doctor laughed. "Oh, but it is. Thank God you took that watch, Shawn. If you hadn't…well, this might have ended very badly. He knows how to fly a TARDIS, after all, and would have no problem just stranding us here with the Futurekind."

"So what are you going to do with him if he's so evil?" Jack asked. "I can't imagine you killing him when Yana is so helpful. Are you just going to leave him?"

The Doctor shook his head. "Maybe if things were different but as it is…he's the only other Time Lord in existence. I'm going to have to take him with me."

Gus pulled Shawn over to the side and they had an intense silent conversation which Gus won.

"Doctor, we're very happy for you," Gus said sincerely. "I'm not sure that I understand exactly why you want to go travelling around with someone that, if I interpreted your earlier conversation with Yana about the drums correctly, is a genocidal maniac who wants to take over the universe but it's your life."

"We just think that maybe it would be…" Shawn trailed off, wincing. "Safer if when this was over you took us back home. We'd probably just get in the way of however you intend to deal with the Master anyway."

The Doctor looked surprised and a little hurt but he quickly covered it. "Sure, yeah, you're absolutely right. I'm not sure how the Master ended up here and human when I knew him to be dead but it will probably be awhile before he's safe around anyone…if he ever gets there."

"On that cheery note, we might as well go tell Yana and Chantho about this," Jack suggested.

The quartet somberly made their way back to the TARDIS.

"Doctor!" Yana exclaimed. "We did it! I never thought…but we did!"

The Doctor forced a smile. "Yeah, we did. It's because we're brilliant, really. Listen, I have news for you. You see this watch?" He helped up Yana's watch.

Yana frowned. "Yes, that's mine. Did you manage to fix it?"

The Doctor shook his head. "It's not broken."

"But…it doesn't tell time," Yana protested.

"It will," the Doctor promised. "But you kind of have to open it first."

"Chan—you have never opened it—tho?" Chantho couldn't believe it.

Yana's frown deepened. "Now that I think of it, I never have. Why is that, I wonder?"

"It's a perception filter," the Doctor explained. "You weren't supposed to open it."

"And why ever not?" Yana asked him.

"Because this isn't an ordinary watch and you are not an ordinary human," the Doctor said gravely. "I'm not actually human, you know, and neither are you. I mean, sure you are now but this watch contains the essence of a Time Lord. I should know, I did the same thing once, bit of a long story. If we open this watch in the right circumstances, it will turn you back into a Time Lord."

Yana looked befuddled. "Are you…are you sure?"

The Doctor nodded. "Positive. When I was human, I didn't really want to believe it either but it was true. Don't worry, you'll keep all your memories. Think of it as you having lived with amnesia for years and when you open this all of your memories will come flooding back."

"Chan—but this is wonderful—tho!" Chantho exclaimed. "I can't wait to see this."

The Doctor smiled sheepishly at her. "I'm afraid that the ritual is far too dangerous for witnesses, Chantho. I would be happy to take you wherever and, more to the point, whenever you want to go but you can't stay with me and Yana is going to have to for awhile in order to regain his memories. It's not easy to change one's species, after all."

Chantho looked upset. "Chan—but I—tho…"

"It's alright, Chantho," Yana promised. "Once I regain my memories, I'll make sure to seek you out at some point to let you know that I'm okay, if nothing else. And if it turns out that the Doctor is mistaken and I just have a watch that happens to look like a Time Lord essence-holder than I'll seek you out when this ritual fails. I promise."

Chantho smiled at him. "Chan—I thank you, Professor Yana—tho."

"He won't seek her out," the Doctor said quietly to them. "And it's probably for the best, too. Let her not see who he really is."

\----

In the end, Chantho had asked to be taken to that very planet during her people's golden age several millennia prior to the end of the universe. She clearly wasn't happy to part with Professor Yana but she wasn't given much choice and she was glad for the opportunity for a new life.

Jack had been offered the chance to continue travelling with the Doctor. Since he couldn't die permanently he had less to fear from the Master and so he agreed to do so on the provision that the Doctor swear he wouldn't abandon him again and to take him back to Cardiff 2007 when they were done.

Jack was currently keeping an eye on Yana while Shawn and Gus got ready to leave.

"Hey Dad," Shawn said cheerfully.

"What do you want?" Henry asked suspiciously.

"I'm wounded that you would think that I'm only calling you because I want something," Shawn told him with mock-hurt in his voice.

"Does that mean that you don't want something?" Henry demanded.

"Well…no, actually," Shawn admitted.

"I knew it," Henry said triumphantly. "If you need help with a case, come talk to me in person. I'm not going to do this with you over the phone."

"It's not about a case," Shawn promised. "I just need you to be at the police station at noon, okay?"

"What?" Henry asked, surprised. "Why?"

"Just be there, okay? I promise you that you'll be glad that you did," Shawn told him before hanging up.

"Are you absolutely sure about this?" the Doctor asked wistfully.

Shawn nodded. "Gus and I are a packaged deal and he draws the line at genocidal maniacs hell-bent on universal domination."

"You really should, too," Gus told him.

Shawn shrugged. "I don't need to if you're here to do it for me."

Gus nodded. "True."

"I suppose that's fair," the Doctor admitted. "I guess I'll just miss having someone around who likes me and isn't one of the most unnatural things I've ever seen."

"Well, you did invite them," Shawn pointed out.

"Of course I did," the Doctor agreed. "Sometimes I think I'll never learn."

"Listen, Doctor, if you ever want to look us up someday after you and the Master have gone your separate ways or he's a bit…saner," Gus offered delicately, "then we'd love to travel with you again."

"We really really would," Shawn seconded. "It's just that right now we need to get back to our lives and you really have your work cut out for you. I'm glad you have Jack. He seems awesome."

"Jack should be a help," the Doctor agreed. "But I will miss you. We had some good times, didn't we?"

Shawn grinned. "The best."

"I don't think I've ever eaten so much pineapple before," the Doctor marveled. "It's really a good thing this regeneration likes it."

"I have no idea how I'm going to be able to face some of our cases knowing that any one of them could be an actual deadly alien instead of a fraud," Gus confessed.

"I'm sure you'll manage," the Doctor assured him. "You managed with the actual aliens well enough, didn't you?"

"So…Doctor…since this is the last time we'll be seeing you – at least for awhile – and we probably did save the universe from whatever the Master would have done if he had opened the watch on his own, do you think-" Shawn started to say.

The Doctor rolled his eyes and tossed the psychic paper his way. "What the hell. You've earned it."

"Sweet!" Shawn cheered as he caught it. "You are seriously my favorite alien ever. And definitely the one with the best hair."

The Doctor grinned. "Thanks."

"You will keep in touch, won't you?" Gus asked him. "I mean, I have to admit that I'm morbidly curious about how this whole Master rehabilitation thing is going to work and we might need you if we come across any more aliens in our work."

"Well, I don't really have a phone and-" the Doctor began.

Gus held out his own phone. "No excuses."

The Doctor sighed as he accepted it. "No excuses."

"We'll try to keep the drunk dialing to a minimum," Shawn promised.

The Doctor laughed. "I appreciate it."

A comfortable silence fell over them.

"Well…this is it," the Doctor said finally. "For now, at least."

Gus nodded and headed for the door.

"No, let me go first!" Shawn insisted, grabbing one last pineapple off the console. "I'm the psychic, after all. Doctor, don't forget to say the line."

"I won't, I won't," the Doctor assured him, amused.

Shawn pushed open the TARDIS door and stepped out into the middle of the Santa Barbara police station. His father, the chief, Lassiter, Jules, and what appeared to be most of the officers on duty were staring in amazement at it and, once he emerged, him.

"Hey guys," Shawn said, pretending to be surprised. "What are you all doing here?"

"Spencer, what the hell is going on?" Lassiter demanded.

"We can't talk about that, I'm afraid," Gus apologized, stepping out behind Shawn.

"Quite right," the Doctor agreed, standing in the doorway of the TARDIS. "It's classified, I'm afraid. Shawn Spencer, Burton Guster," he shook both of their hand's, "Scotland Yard thanks you for your service and, more than that, the world thanks you. Your psychic gifts are truly magnificent." With that, he stepped back into the TARDIS and, in a moment, the blue box faded from view.

Everything was silent for a moment.

"Shawn, what exactly have you been up to these past few days?" Henry demanded finally.

"I'd love to talk about it, Dad," Shawn lied. "Tragically, I can't. Pineapple, anyone?"

It's the end so Review Please!


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